quick question about MIL

[lou100]

Hi, fairly new to mn and am wondering if other people experience their mil bitching and criticising their other son's wife/partner. Basically, every time we go to visit her, the conversation always gets onto her eldest son's partner. MIL is constantly criticising the way she brings up her 1st grandchild and commenting on how dirty the house is etc. She never complains about her son though (dp's older brother), it is always directed at her. I've always wondered if she is like this about me and says nasty things behind my back. She has been in a very controlling and quite violent marriage with Dp's dad and only recently got divorced after 30+ years of marriage. She's 60. She doesnt have many close friends and I feel quite sorry for her. I get along OK with her and she has always been nice to my face, and is always nice to her eldest son's partner, but behind her back she is sooo critical. Always wonder what she is saying behind my back. Do you think she is being the same about me? I always feel 'on guard' and not myself wondering what shes judging me on. Would be interested to hear other opinions? thanks

Hate to say it but my guess is that she probably is saying things behind your back too. IME, people who do this follow the same pattern in all their relationships ie can't help but be critical and really need to let it out somewhere. They also use this as a means of trying to get closer to people ie when she criticises other DIL to you, she might feel closer to you.

You are probably right, I had a feeling she was doing because she is soo nice to other DIL, you wouldn't even think she had a problem with her. But literally as soon as her back is turned its 'Guess what she did the other day?!' etc. I hate it when she does this because I get on really well with DIL so have to just listen to it and try and change the subject quick. its a really difficult situation and results in me not being my true self with her because I know shes watching my every move!

How awful, but I do think this kind of behaviour is very common unfortunately. I think that trying to change the subject is probably the best thing to do, or perhaps make light of her criticisms.

If she is so nice to other DIL's face and nasty behind her back then she is obviously not to be trusted. I know a lot of people like this , who were nice to my face then I found out they were saying things behind my back. It used to really upset me but I am now used to it and don't really dwell on it anymore. I think the people who can be so utterly fake do have deeper problems.

Yes this is just what MIL and my two SILs are like wrt my BIL's wife. I have to say I made the assumption very quickly that they said exactly the same about me behind my back. We have had a couple of major problems (they objected to me not changing my name to theirs for instance) but everything was channeled through DH - eg SIls telling him 'Mum and Dad think Rosa is influencing you, it is all Rosa's fault' etc but nothing has ever been said directly to me - behind my back I am quite sure it is another story.
Like I care!

Part of me thinks she is jealous of other DIL because they has nice house, lots of friends and dresses the little one in what she classes as expensive clothes i.e Next. MIL has never worked because dp's dad wouldn't 'allow' her to go out, she had to bring the 3 children up virtually by herself while he went to work, came home and went straight back out to the pub. She seems to resent the fact that DIL can afford nice things for herself too. The weird thing is I dress DS in clothes that are sometimes from Next but that doesn't seem to stop her from saying she is a snob! It's just petty and I feel glad we live 30 miles away. That sounds awful but it gets me down sometimes.