I am 26 years old and have been living on my own. I recently got married a few weeks ago in Vegas with a very very small group of my friends (Only 10 people),
To start this: I'm chinese-american. I was born and raised in California my whole life. My parents had immigrated from here over 40 years ago and I have an older sister that's almost 11 years older than me. Starting from grade 1, my mom began to physically beat me because I wasn't scoring A's on my tests, It first started as me holding out my hand flat and her hitting it really hard with a ruler or some type of flat wood/plastic object. It was 30-50 times, but it escalated quickly to punching me in the head, kicking me, beating me everywhere on my body with either her bare hands or items she could grab hold of. It escalated because I'd pull my hand away and she was INCREDIBLY angry ALL the time. I've been beaten all over the body with pipes, hangers, belts, the handle of knives, etc. This happened 5 days a week until I was in the 10th grade. Only time I wasn't being physically abused was in the summer. My dad was more verbally and emotionally abusive. He never laid a hand on me, but also had a really ugly temper.
From as long as I can remember, my dad would throw raging outloud tantrum fits when something didn't go his way. Whether he was privately at home or in public, he had these incredibly scary outbursts. Most of which happened while we were on vacation somewhere. One incident I'll never forget is when we took a tour bus to Yosemite and he got mad I had brought my Harry Potter book for the trip. Yelled super loud in front of 30-40 people and then when we got to our stop, he threatened to kill me and physically came at me. 8 people had to hold him back from getting to me.
Also, as far back as I can remember, my parents always blamed me for staying in their marriage. There was once incident where my dad nearly choked out my mom. Him on top of her, with his hands around her throat, and her on the floor. Not sure what would have happened if my sister wasn't there as I'd already experienced being abused myself. They never got divorced and instead blamed me for "having" to stay in the marriage.
My mom got arrested when I was in the 7th grade because I escaped mid beating. I'd ran to a nearby classmate's house and her dad called the police. I was in foster care for nearly 2 weeks and judge ruled in favor of giving my parents a second chance because the lawyer they hired was good and they were sentenced to anger management classes and a full year's supervision of ensuring no other harm would come to me. While the physical beatings did stop, the verbal abuse and emotional abuse did not.
After a year went by, the physical beatings resumed immediately. So, here I am 26 and living on my own. I moved out a little over a year ago, against the wishes of my parents. They'd told my fiance that they'd "washed their hands of me" and that they'd never bother to visit. Furthermore, I was never close with my sister and only spoke to her at the most 3 times a year (birthdays, holidays type thing). My parents have never understood me and have spent their entire lives trying to get me to conform to their idealistic way of living.
A few months ago, I went NC with them. The last time I'd ever spoken to them was on Memorial Day. I'd gone to visit them as I usually did every week or every other week. But, ever since I moved out...over the last year, I tried to maintain a somewhat 'cold' relationship with them, but every visit was drawing my spirit and energy lower and lower each time. I could never talk about what was happening with me because they'd find some way to put it into an negative light, again unless it was something THEY wanted. Even a simple subject as, "I adopted a puppy" immediately is, "Yeah you care more about a dog than me."
I felt like I was walking on eggshells each time and started to develop high anxiety to the point where I was throwing up the day prior to the actual visit. I was incredibly stressed. I started seeing a therapist with my fiance to get advice and further support on what to do with my marriage. I'd wanted to get married, but my parents didn't want me to marry him (due to him not being asian). We'd already been together over 6 years and we were at standstill on how we'd get married. I'd struggled with waiting and hoping that my parents would come around or go against their wishes and marry him via city hall or something. Instead for a whole year, each time I went to visit, they'd spend 98 percent of the time reaming into me about something or turning something positive I was telling them into something negative. They'd also pick on me like calling me fat or "looking like a whale". My mom wanted me to be under 100 pounds (I'm 5/4 and weighed 115-120).
A few months ago, in June, I typed up a letter to my parents outlining all the abuse I'd experience with them, both physical and verbal abuse. I'd basically stated that I was no longer going to continue communication with them unless they could be the supportive, loving parents I deserve. I didn't hear back from them. My sister had reached out but I kept it neutral and told her to stay out of it. She understood.
Furthermore, I had completely turned off my phone that I still had connected to them. I'd gotten a new line with my fiance and new phone, without telling any of my family members. Eventually, a month later, I'd received a facebook message from my cousin and sister (few hours apart) and while my cousin didn't really care or press why I have a new number..my sister was very angry that I had a new number and wouldn't provide it to her. I explained that I couldn't risk my new number being given out to my parents and that they know to e-mail if there was something urgent. I haven't spoken to my sister since then.
Eventually, I'd recently received a letter in my e-mail from my parents (more than likely written by my dad). He basically blamed EVERYTHING on me. He didn't address ANY of the abuse at all and said that they did everything they could to fix me and that I just wouldn't become what they wanted. They spent 2 paragraphs comparing me to my sister and how I "was supposed to go down the same exact path". The entire page and a half letter was basically what they've always said to me my whole life. Making me feel like a burden, black sheep, mistake, and just all-around not wanted person. They said believing in happiness is stupid and that it doesn't exist.
So, here I am...a few months later having made the jump of marriage with my now-husbnd. We had a ceremony in Vegas at a venue and NONE of my family knows. I'm slowly learning to accept that making decisions on my own is a-okay and that I don't need to worry or stress about what my parents would think or what they would say. I'm slowly learning to live without guilt.
Except, both my parents are diabetic. They're in their late 60s and they always pressed to me that "they wouldn't live as long as grandma". My grandma passed away when she was 74. I'm fully aware of the fact that I made this decision and I accept that. But, how does one not have guilt knowing that their parents are not in the best healthy place? They'd also put on me that they expected me to live at home forever so that I could take care of them.
I never responded back to the letter. I have basically just moved on and started planning things for my future. In your opinion, was I right to go NC with them? Would you have done the same? Any further advice? (I am in therapy)