I'm sorry for this very long post in advance, and it might be a bit garbled. I am desperate for advice as I can't talk to anyone and I don't have anyone else's input on this at all, I'm driving myself mad.
I have been with DH for 9 years. Met online. Been married for 7 years and have four kids, one who is 12 from a previous relationship, she calls him Dad and he has raised her. I moved miles away from home to be with him, new job, lost friends, grew away from family, etc.
A few weeks ago I found out that he used Skype to chat to women on the Internet. Our eldest daughter had found the messages on his phone early this year - he begged her not to tell me, and told her the messages were from years ago. Apparently he was deleting the apps when she just happened upon the messages (she uses his phone for Youtube or whatever.) The messages I found when I looked were from early last year.
He says he was looking for advice on how to deal with teenagers one night when I wasn't here and "one thing led to another" - I saw some messages on my laptop skype history, "drunk and horny" - that type of thing. He says he was looking at their cameras, he didn't have his on, he just sent pictures. He had also downloaded KIK messenger and chatted to girls on there and swapped pictures. He said he did it just three times, but of course he is only going to tell me what I found out myself.
When I first found out, he swore they were from years ago, before we met and that he downloaded the apps again to delete the pictures and messages. It went a few days and then I found the history and it was more recent, last year like I said. (sorry I'm waffling.)
Anyway, I'm absolutely devastated. I've told him I'll stay until Christmas, see if I feel any better. I run over it all in my head and I feel like the relationship is lost - how can I trust him again? I have had issues in the past with trust (he knows about it) and I could never see myself trusting anyone again because I was so damaged from before, and yet he has still done this to me. I can't believe it, and I can't get my head around it. There was also another weird incident - I found a used condom in the (clean) washing ages ago. I called him and went mad, and he said he had no idea where it had come from. We both laughed it off and assumed it had come from the back garden, maybe someone had walked it in, or it had got caught on the washing from the back garden from next door chucking it over or whatever. I thought we were both genuinely confused by it and it was a silly thing but now it doesn't seem so innocent.
He is gutted too. All we've done is cry and he can't believe he has done this to me. He promises that he is telling the truth now, the whole truth and he has genuinely been trying to make things better. He said he must have been mad to do it, etc etc. He says it was just three times and he knew it was wrong after the third time and stopped doing it, deleted the apps and then he downloaded them to delete the stuff, and that's when our daughter found them.
We're trying to move on. We have young kids, finances are tied - I do love him and I trusted him with my life - this has been such a shock. At times I think I can move on and chalk it up to a mistake but I can't believe he would hurt me like this and I just break down at the thought of it.
Sorry for the long ramble. I am just desperate to tell someone, I can't tell anyone and I don't have anyone's advice except his - I just cry and feel so sad for what I feel we have lost. I don't know what to do to feel better. Will I ever feel better?