I want some good tips from Sexed Up Mners..

[Dalesgirl]

Here's the background. Two kids, lovely husband, half decent sex life. Here's the problem. I find that when it comes to sex my mind is willing but my body is weak, I can think about sex all day long and then when it comes to it I can't seem to get 'turned on' to the level that I can if my husband wasn't there (if you know what I mean!) I find using lubricant a bit embarrassing (depending on the alcohol consumption) but most of all I feel disappointed in myself that I can have all these great mental sexual feelings but nothing much is transferred down to the front line of action. I have got some toys and when we get them out we just end up laughing our heads off, it's like a scene from a Carry On film (don't visualise Sid James & Babs Windsor 'cause that just ain't us, well it ain't me anyway!!) So Ladies, tips please..am I the only one with this difficulty, I am not menopausal and I just want to have great sex please...I deserve it. I can't tell you how many years it's taken me to say that! I WANT GREAT SEX...

practice gettin gyou rbody re-intouch with your mind. Erotic fiction is great for this, maybe focus a bit more on working out what your needs are and what you like and a bit of DIY to reconnect the mental and teh physical and then this will transfer to you and DP.

I never used to use lube but have to now because of the breastfeeding, have embraced it as another dimension to my sex life

i have the same problem much of the time, really want it but body doesn't respond! i just use lube, and make it part of the excitement, he loves to watch me put it on

we find when things are getting a bit repetitive one of us will try something different whether it be in a different part of the house, kitchen, laundry, his bathroom, my bathroom, outdoors, patio, in the car, at the beach, lights on etc and we just go with the flo. Recently installed a pool so thats been a lot of fun of late.

anyhow if your bit shy bout the lube stuff give him a hand job with lots of lube on him then climb aboard.

you can also put it on beforehand without him knowing. One word of warning that Durex Tingle is to be used very very sparingly. We squirted a huge handful rubbed it on then had to hot foot it to the bathroom in agony to shower it off OUCH!!! Ky also do a squirty one in boots that is just a lube no fancy business.

I alway find loads of kissing and snogging beforehand does the trick, almost like teenagers!

Is it just your level of (ahem) dampness that bothers you? If so, then perhapps a quick nip down to the GP to see if they can suggest anything medical?

If it is a not quite feeling like a sex goddess thing, how about starting things without him?

Also, I am not one to gratuitously 'have a go' at people, but Lazyanna, everytime I see a sex related thread, you seem to be on it too, suggesting that people just get round to your way of thinking and stop having sex.

If you aren't interested, why not just stay off the sex threads?

get divorced & get a new bloke - that does wonders for your sex drive

serious suggestions now

1. go out on a date & flirt while out
2. get rid of kids for a night? they can dampen your feelings incase they interupt you
3. blind fold him & take control - he'll love it & it might be fun

am now off to the links

wtv - it's my opinion, and I'm sure that it isn't unique - is it any less of an opinion than anyone elses?

So when you're thinking about sex when he's not there during the day do you lubricate then? And is the problem that as soon as you're in bed with him it just doesn't happen in the same way?

Find a porn site you like. Whatever turns you on. Visit it just before you go upstairs.

I doubt drinking helps your situation. For instance I can't have an orgasim if I've touched even a drop ( might be why I'm not a big drinker).

Also agree about paying attention to your apearance. Maybe don't do the whole Lingerie shabang. What about just a really hot bra and panties set. Let him see you in it in the morning before you dress so he gets to think about it all day.

Another vote for the nancy Friday book. Read just before he gats in from work or comes to bed

but Lazyanna, surely it's more like if you really wanted to go running, but you had a broken leg. You mend the leg, and hurrah, you can go running again.

Some people like (or love!) the intimacy and pleasure of sex, but find something gets in the way (stress, work, dryness, depression)There's nothing wrong with working at it.

I don't think anyone is suggesting your opinion isn't valued, it just seems defeatist to me.

"Contrary to popular opinion, attractive fit young women don't all have earth shattering sex". Yes there are more asexuals in the UK than gays. People just differ and it's nothing to do with your looks although if you feel better about yourself then you're probably more likely to feel good about sex and want it.

Thank you Xenia.

That's my point D'girl, I don't want to go running, so why go and buy all the kit?

But some people want to feel sexier than they do because sex can be enjoyable. If you're happy not wanting it and your other half is if you have one then there's no problem at all and you save a lot of time and energy for other things. If you want to want it more then you need to deal with that and I think that's more to do with rest, thought or any other fundamental issue which makes you want it in the day when the husband isn't around but then when actually with him all desire fades... that's not exactly what most men want, quite the opposite. perhaps she needs the husband to get fit and wear better clothes etc.

I have 2 kids, am 8 months pregnant and still have good regular sex.

I think one of the keys for me and my partner is to not focus on evening/night time for sex. We have our best sex in the mornings or afternoons. We are much less tired and also, because it's not " the normal time " it feels a bit naughty !!

Not always easy with kids around, but it works for us.

Also agree about lots of foreplay, applying lube as part of sex ( there is a great - if a bit expensive website of a fab sex shop called coco de mer that does some great lubes ) , reading erotic fiction and fantasising.

Dalesgirl, just wondering how old your youngest kid is, and if your lack of juiciness might be down to hormonal changes - or even a dose of thrush or similar? If you're finding that sex causes actual discomfort then maybe a word with your GP or well-woman clinic might help.
Also, I second the find-some-erotic-reading suggestions.

DH has been looking after himself in exactly that way - and I certainly applaud that, but to be honest it is so transparent to me that he just wants sex that I find it very annoying - and the reason i express my opinion here, like a lot of us, is not just to see if we are right, and have our opinions changed, but for support, and to help other people who feel the same.

But doesn't it make you feel sexy to be sexually wanted by your husband? In other words isn't it a nice good thing if he's making that effort?

Dalesgirl how much official time to you actually get to focus on yourself? I do yoga once a week and it's great being told to think about yourself and nothing else for an hour and a half. I don't mean playing on Mumsnet because that's just like telly and makes you feel guilty.
If you can set aside time to yourself after the kids are in bed, (whilst dh is tidying up downstairs natch), maybe lie down and listen to a relaxation tape, read some erotic fiction or maybe even just hair removal, toenail painting, body scrub or something.

Get a brazilian wax, works wonders for me mentally and physically and makes dh very happy too!

you don't need to be embarassed about using lubrication. the first time my xdp got it out i was pleasantly surprised. never would have suggested it but as he did i wasn't one to decline

i think sometimes aswell rather than concentrating on the big O to just go with it. i find when i try to acheive it i end up concentratin on it so much i'm not relaxed so i never do.

maybe if you break the embarassment by having a few glasses of wine after that you won't need the wine to use it?