Is this just part of growing up?

[RebeccaWithTheGoodHair]

I hope someone can give me some advice and that I've posted this in the right place - apologies if I haven't.

The background is that my DD is 8, quite young for her age but with a fine temper on her. We have friends with a DS of 12. Been friends for a few years as we share a similar hobby and have enjoyed socialising with them.

Over the last year their DS has started to tease and wind DD up, nothing hugely serious, things like rhyming her name with poo or laughing when he beats her in a race. This infuriates DD and she has shouted and even hit him when he won't stop. Without getting over-analytical I then have to tell her to behave, when his behaviour beforehand looks innocent and 'fun'. It's not to her but I know they are at different stages and and probably with his friends this is just how they interact with each other.

However I don't know what to do. DD is now refusing to see/speak to him and I want to support that. But this means essentially cutting out the friendship with the entire family. I have cooled it off recently but as we used to spend evenings around each other's houses, go to the pub together and do our hobby for a few hours at the weekend I can imagine it is perplexing from their POV. I do still spend time with the female DF and DH does with the male DF, it's just trying to keep DD from their DS that is the problem.

So you may say that I should just talk to DF and tell her the situation, which I have in the past. However, all that this will mean is he will apologise to DD and he/DF will then think the situation is over and dealt with but it isn't for DD.

Do I have to tell her that this is a part of life and she needs to get used to it? But then am I teaching her that you can get away with any behaviour so long as you apologise afterwards? Thinking forward could this be setting her up for confusing and potentially EA relationships in the future b/c she's been told to accept what she - and I - believe to be an insincere apology with no intention of modifying behaviour going forward? And that her anger is wrong and can't be expressed (I v much believe girls should be encouraged to express anger but learn to control it, not feel they have to suppress it).

Or am I making her into a special snowflake who can't resolve problems? In the wider picture we're only talking about one child who is a bit of a wind up merchant and another who is a bit sensitive. She will come across plenty of people like him in her life and this could be a valuable lesson to build resilience for the future.

The friends are now pressing for us to get together, DD is adamant she won't speak to their son, DH and the male DF have a get-together planned (another hobby they share which was fixed a while ago).

If we get together DD will be sulky, refuse to speak, growl at him if he tries to speak to her and look like she is the 'bad' child (I only say 'bad' b/c it's the easiest word to use, I don't mean that I think she is 'bad').

I'm confused what is the right thing to do for her - or if neither of my ideas are right and anyone can think of another way of going about it.

My ideal outcome would be that DD could just ignore the son and the grown-ups could spend time together reasonably peacefully (not too often of course!).

OP it maybe that you can't resolve this and keep everyone happy.

So then you need to think about your priorities. I think your DDs choices should be respected and if your friend is a bit offended, so be it.

If you don't think pointing out that an apology isn't enough is going to work (which tells its one story in my view) then skip that bit and take FATE's advice.

You can sell this as saying you'd like adult time with her / them.

Or be half honest and say family meet ups are not working for DD at the moment without getting into further detail. And then be firm.

Friendships change, either they'll accept things being slightly different, or maybe this friendship will wind down.

Both are ok.

And, if the friendship does wind down its not 'your DD dictating your friendships'

Rather it's: your friends being unwilling to accept change (if they won't see you without your DD) or consider how their own choices are a problem.

As women we have often been expected to 'be nice' and avoid conflict. This can get taken advantage of, when we accept poor treatment as to stand up to it would not be 'nice'. Your DD is refusing this and more power to her.

Now, what are you worried about? Is it the potential conflict? Giving offence? Being seen as 'difficult' or not 'nice'?

Remember you are not responsible for their reactions.

And also, in refusing to do things differently, they are not being 'nice' either.

Gosh, some good advice there FATE and GoodLuckTime

I like hearing that DD is standing up for herself, and that everyone has taken on board the back-to-front behavioural aspect. Thanks for that, it's a boost that my girl can teach me some life lessons!

I'm still confused as buggery how to move the situation forward without ruining everything. The mother isn't going to react well, or even understand why the apologies aren't enough. It's not going to be pleasant.

You almost sound afraid of this woman.

depending on what the hobby is, is it possible to spilt the group on gender lines so that the boy is away from your daughter ? Ie you, your daughter, your friend are together and the men and boys together but separate from you.

I really do not agree with cooling the friendship just becaus the kids do not get on. If the above would not work just keep your daughter by your side.presumbly the boy is only mean when he's alone with your daughter

Why on earth is a 12 year old boy having to play alongside an 8 year old girl? Surely a 12 year old boy has his own friends to play with? This sounds to me like ordinary winding up, your DD needs to learn the skills to tell him to sod off and the 12 year old boy needs to get a life and play with boys his own age.

Listen to your daughter.
If this older kid is bullying her (you can call it teasing if you want, but it is actually bullying) then of course she doesn't want to spend time with him. Why should she?
Also if this boy is happy enough to tease/bully her in plain sight then I would be concerned about what goes on when there are no adults around?
Its a tricky situation, but if it was me, supporting my daughter would be my priority, not worrying about whether I was rocking the boat with this friend.

Sorry I obviously haven't made myself very clear. The hobby I refer to is walking our dogs together, we all have big dogs who need a lot of exercise so it became a habit to do a good, long walk together at the weekends followed by drinks at the pub when we got back. As you can see that means having other kids along just never came up, and up until recently the 2 got along really well and enjoyed each other's company. It's only in the last few months since he's grown up a bit whilst she's still fairly little that things have changed.

So of course I can keep them apart but the dogs do have to be walked so in many ways it's absolutely foolish for me to walk on my own when they would be going out anyway. These days DD would rather be out on her roller-skates so she wouldn't mind missing out on the dog walking at all, but it does mean DH would be with her.

isetan of course I'm not afraid of my friend, that would be bizarre! Hopefully the above explains how the situation has developed and why I'd prefer to remain on good terms though.

I've thought about this overnight and I'm not convinced it's bullying, he's a good-hearted boy but he doesn't know where to draw the line, probably because this is how friends of his own age play together. In fact he came to drop something off to me earlier in the week and told me, quite jovially, how he had been teased about his name at school. It's an exact parallel with what he said to DD, so you can see that to him it's no biggy.

I would see this as part of growing up. If she had a sibling/s worse same things would happen, I assure you

She can stick by your side during the walks etc if she feels more comfortable with that. Or how about her inviting one of her friends along so she's not on her own?

That said, ime a few friendships went by the way bcs our dc's didn't get on.

Also, 8 & 12 yo's don't exactly relish long walks! You could do some activities that are geared more towards the children - then you could say 'we're going to 'Disneyland' (ie somewhere attractive for kids!) with DF's, do you want to come?'

When my kids were grown and gone I made up for lost time and visited all the places Kids Simply Won't Like Much eg gardens. ime the hassle of taking them places they hated didn't enjoy wasn't worth it.

At 12 he's probably bored stiff on a long walk followed by the pub. I'm sure he can think of loads of stuff he'd rather do. Like your daughter.

They are probably just winding each other up because they are both bored and would rather do something else.

When we take out dog out, we take a football and the kids have a massive game of football alongside us as we walk the fields.

Could they take bikes or scooters?

Mind you, all these suggestions have the capacity of being competitive and if your DD doesn't like competitive play with this lad then maybe it's just best of the children stop coming on the walk.