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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

abusive ex won't leave me alone. feeling vulnerable and scared

26 replies

scaredandneedtobestong · 06/09/2016 23:39

The relationship ended over five years ago. I finally managed to find the courage to leave after 3 years of verbal, emotional and physical abuse.

Then I found out I was pregnant and made the agonising decision to have an abortion. It was the most painful thing I've ever gone through and I still cry for my baby.

I'm now in a good relationship (three years) although I suffer from PTS and anxiety that ex is going to find me. The last words he said to me were that he was going to kill me and any partner I have.

When I left, his mother begged me not to go. She said that he was just confused and needed time to grow up. I told her that if he didn't leave me alone, I would call the police and press charges against him. She backed off and I left it at that. But I am now angry with myself that I didn't file a report, I absolutely should have no matter what.

I had no contact from him for five years but then last month, somehow he has found my number and has been trying to phone and message me. The first time, I was caught off guard but hung up immediately when I recognised his voice. And blocked the number.

Then nothing for a month or so. And it's started up again. A text saying hi. Just that. I didn't recognise the number so ignored it. Then a phonecall from the same number as the text. I picked the call up but didn't say anything, waited until the other person said hello. It was my ex. Saying hello, hello, hello, getting angrier and angrier. Again I blocked the number.

But I'm sitting here shaking now. I'm scared he has found me. What should I do? Should I call the police? Or is that too much for just a couple of phonecalls?

Please could you give me a handhold and some advice.

OP posts:
incogKNEEto · 06/09/2016 23:43

I would phone the police on 101 and ask their advice on how to handle this. Sorry you are having to deal with this, you'd have thought he would have given up after 5 years, he sounds like a disturbrd individual, to say the least, so l think the police is your best bet. Good luck Flowers

Original poster
scaredandneedtobestong · 06/09/2016 23:44

Thanks for replying, I really appreciate it. Do you think I could phone 101 now, or wait until the morning?

OP posts:
RawPrawn · 06/09/2016 23:48

Police, first thing. Flowers

RawPrawn · 06/09/2016 23:49

Are you alone right now? Have you confided in your partner?

Original poster
scaredandneedtobestong · 06/09/2016 23:53

I'm alone in the house, yes. I don't live with with partner, and he's at work right now doing a nightshift. He knows that my ex tried to phone last month and has been trying to reassure me that everything is going to be ok.

I'm trying not to have an anxiety attack. I'm so angry that he still has this effect on me, I hate that I'm scared.

OP posts:
PricklyHodgeheg · 06/09/2016 23:56

Sorry to hear you are going through this Flowers Call 101 now, it's a 24 hour service. No one has the right to treat you this way so don't feel guilty or embarrassed.

UmbongoUnchained · 06/09/2016 23:56

My ex did this to me. I phoned 101 at about 1:30 am and they sent someone over as I was alone with my baby. They spent the next few days securing my house, installing a panic button and they took him to the station and gave him a caution.

Original poster
scaredandneedtobestong · 06/09/2016 23:56

OK, I'll call the police now. Thank you

OP posts:
RawPrawn · 06/09/2016 23:58

So - this last phone call was this evening? In that case I'd ring 101 right now and get it logged.

Don't be angry with yourself for not pursuing it before. He sounds like a right fucking psycho and I'm not surprised you just wanted to put it all behind you.

Original poster
scaredandneedtobestong · 06/09/2016 23:58

Umbongo
Do you think theyll be able to do anything even though I didn't report his abuse at the time? I don't know where he lives anymore or much more info other than the numbers he called from

OP posts:
RawPrawn · 06/09/2016 23:59

Good luck OP. Hope you get it all sorted and get some peace of mind. Great that your partner is supportive.

Original poster
scaredandneedtobestong · 07/09/2016 00:00

Raw
Yes, tonight.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 07/09/2016 00:02

At least you know his number, so the police might be able to do something with that.

It's strange that in the intervening years he hasn't become fixated on someone else - he sounds very frightening. Do you live in the same area? Is your home address online anywhere? How do you think he got your number?

Original poster
scaredandneedtobestong · 07/09/2016 00:02

I'm just trying to phone now but they've given me an option of the met police or borough police. Which one should I go to?

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 07/09/2016 00:05

Have a think about the people who've been given your number over the last few weeks. Have you given it to anyone new?

ImperialBlether · 07/09/2016 00:05

Just go through to either and they'll put you through to the other if necessary.

TendonQueen · 07/09/2016 00:09

If you're on hold or when you have chance, check all your social media settings. Raise them if you can and delete anything that might give address away. It might be worth googling yourself to see what comes up - it's often more revealing than people think. You can always change your number. The police and your phone company can advise. It's definitely a police matter, no doubt about that.

PricklyHodgeheg · 07/09/2016 00:10

I'd guess borough but they will point you in the right direction if it isn't the right option. They have always been really helpful when I have called 101.

confuugled1 · 07/09/2016 00:19

Definitely ring the police on 101. If you don't think he'll do anything tonight then wait until the morning.

Check your house is properly secured - if he has your phone number then there's a reasonable chance he has your address too, sorry. Is he the sort of idiot that would sit outside your house in a car watching it or follow you to work or anything like that? If so, maybe talk to the police sooner rather than later. And when you're out and about take basic precautions - make sure you always have a charged mobile phone with you (and maybe also get one of those cheap little Nokia or Samsung phones that cost a fiver, you could put a tenner's credit on it as a back up to always have in your bag/pocket/etc. The charge on them lasts a long time - a month or more if you don't make calls, so great as back up phones. Only give the number to a couple of trusted people - say your partner, family and best friend, on the understanding that they know it's your emergency phone and they must not share the number at all. And if they get a call from you on it then it's an emergency).

Don't delete anything so that you can use it as evidence.

if you should ever answer one of his calls by mistake again, see if you can record it, again for evidence. if he is loosing his temper quickly on the phone then it helps to show that he's not very stable and that they need to take this seriously. Lots of phones will record calls, figure out how to do this before you get the next call (because unfortunately there will be a next one).

Talk to the police and take their advice - definitely don't ignore it. And file a report as a minimum - for this time and last time. Ask them to put a flag against your address and telephone number(s) so that if you do call them again in an emergency situation, they will know and will treat it as a higher priority.

The police might be able to go and have a chat with your ex to tell him to stop or else (and maybe his mother too?) to stop things from going any further...

Flowers nobody should have to go through what you have been through and what you're currently going through with this.

Original poster
scaredandneedtobestong · 07/09/2016 00:21

thank you so much for all the good advice. I've just come off the phone to them and they are sending someone round now.

OP posts:
FurryDogMother · 07/09/2016 00:25

Thinking of you, so glad you phoned the police - what you're going through is my worst nightmare - I have an ex like that. Hope the police manage to make you feel safer.

confuugled1 · 07/09/2016 00:38

Cross posted with lots of the last posts - so glad to hear that you've spoken to the police and they've taken it seriously.

debbs77 · 07/09/2016 00:39

I am so pleased you called the police. I can't imagine you will get much sleep tonighg. hugs xx

Canyouforgiveher · 07/09/2016 02:30
  1. well done you calling the police - exactly the right response.
  1. well done you in not responding AT ALL to the texts or phone calls. His oxygen is your response and by not responding at all by word or text you cut him off. What he wanted is for you to text or say "don't talk to me" etc. By remaining silent you did exactly the right thing.
  1. Someone asked surely he would have found someone else to torment - my guess is he did but she cut him off recently - and he was doing the psycho equivalent of going through his address book.
  1. Please read THE GIFT OF FEAR by Gavin de Beck.

Best of luck to you.

I think you are a really smart clever woman who instinctively knows how to protect herself. You got away from this man. You terminated your pregnancy (can you imagine if you didn't!!!), you remained silent when he called/texted, and you called the police when it became more than a one-off. You are well able to deal with this asshole.

incogKNEEto · 07/09/2016 11:26

Glad you called the police and they came out to see you. I hope they managed to make you feel more secure and had ideas for how best to deal with the situation when he calls again Flowers

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