Confused over cancelled wedding

[Anna6567]

I recently cancelled my wedding to long term partner because I was feeling overwhelmed and having doubts about getting married.

I've been working through things with a counsellor who has helped my identify some of my negative thinking traits and tracing back the source of some of my anxieties.

At times I feel I am making good progress with the counselling and can see my anxiety is perhaps not based on any real issue with my relationship, and more rooted in my anxious thinking and difficulty in making decisions etc.

On the other hand, I worry that I'm working on convincing myself that things are ok and salvageable when they're really not. The old doubt means don't mentality springs to mind - but my counsellor has said this is not true and especially for people with anxiety problems.

I'm just struggling with my feelings of disappointment and failure just now about how this is all panning out. I should be enjoying being newly married and instead I'm picking apart my life with my FI and feeling like I've messed everything up and things can never be good or right again.

I almost feel like I should just run away from it all. My counsellor has said that I shouldn't throw the baby out with the bath water. But I've never heard of anyone in this situation before. We are supposed to be happy to be married. What does it say about me - and my relationship - that I've ended up making such a mess of getting married and now trapped in limbo.

I feel like I'll never know what's the anxiety and what's my gut talking to me.

I'm not even sure what I'm writing this for. I guess I'm hoping for someone to be able to relate to my situation.

I'm feeling so ashamed of myself just now and just have no faith in my ability to make the right decision and I'm just being so horrible to my FI and acting so distant because I don't know how to process all of this and move forward.

Check out conscious transitions blog by sheryl Paul

Thanks everyone for your replies.

Crystal - have seen this website and it has a lot of good info that I can relate to.

George - I do feel overwhelmed. I wish I could just slow down my thoughts and relax. Just forget about the original wedding and take the time to regroup. But I just seem to go over and over all these horrible thoughts about it all and I'm stuck in this cycle and I feel like I'm drowning.

I just don't know what I'm supposed to do so that I can feel at peace with myself. This is all just so painful and I can't figure out why it's happening or what to do to make it better.

I guess it might be worth breaking it down a bit. Might not just be the commitment stuff.

Commitment stuff- that can tie you in knots (I've been there). Analysing can paralyse you. For this bit try and take a break from thinking, meditation works for me! - I do the guided stuff to make me switch off my chattering brain.

Had you booked a big white wedding? - a lot of people struggle being focus of attention for the day - the anxiety would just be too much.
Maybe when you are ready, if marriage is for you, perhaps you'll need something smaller that is tailored to you & fiancé. One of the loveliest weddings I observed was reg office & local cafe! It shouldn't be something you are uncomfortable with!

Ultimately forgive yourself for not being ready right now - that's ok.

It's not clear from what you write what the specific issues are.

But what I do get from the way you write things out is that you seem very fixed on the idea of a wedding. Is it a wedding to this man that worries you? or the event of the wedding?

You also seem paralysed by the notion of marriage. Again, is it marriage to this man? Have you been living together, or is it a new start (moving house etc).

No need to answer these questions on here, I'm just feeding back to you how all your posts come across as written down. Sometimes we write what we can't say, and vice versa.

Forget about the wedding. Seriously. Nobody needs a Wedding. It is just a celebration of two people signing a document. It can be as big or as tiny as you want.

You can elope and have two strangers as witnesses or you can have all singing all dancing tv coverage at Westminster cathedral - it makes no difference to the actual THING which is that you have signed a document.

I know I need to get over the shame and disappointment about the wedding but I'm so upset. I really feel I let myself down and I feel like everyone must think so much less of us and wonder what is wrong with us. I'm such a mess.

I just want to feel better inside and then I think I could get over my feelings about the wedding.

I feel it was public humiliation, and all because I can't cope well. It makes me think I should give up my relationship to escape the embarrassment. Start afresh.

Hi Anna6567. I found your post online this morning when I googled ashamed for cancelling my wedding. I feel like I could have written your posts myself. I'm in almost exactly the same boat as you. Even the timing is eerily similar.

I got engaged early last year and had an amazing wedding booked for beginning of September. Anxiety and panic took over and I cancelled it with 4 weeks to go. My other half has been amazing. He has just said not to worry and the most important thing is to sort myself out. But this is something I struggle with everyday and I really don't know if I've done the right thing.

My main quandary is has his happened because of my mental health and needing to do some introspection. Or has this happened because we're not right for each other and there's someone better out there for both of us. There's such a strong part of me which says if it doesn't feel right then don't do it. But there's an equally strong part which says hold on, there's more to it than just that.

I guess I just wanted to say I can really relate to where you are coming from. It's a few months down the line so it would be interesting to hear where you're at now.