Planning weekend from hell with NIGHTMARE SIL

[melsy]

First ever trip away with dd 9mths and im trying to stay calm and take it in my stride , as Ive been doing so well the last few months. Im staying with sister inlaw & her kids this weekend and not really looking forward to it. Just need to rant as I feel quite uncomfortable around her and havent seen her since begininng of year before I went to mental health unit. When I was preggers and staying there I wasnt allowed to have water melon from the frigde becasue it was for her son , so if she was like that then how is it going to be staying there now with a baby. Ive come a really long way since the PND panic attacks , but this is quite a big thing going there after the state I was in mentally the begining of the year (god what only PND and panic attacks do to a presons phsyche!!). Im already feeling really really tense and stressed as DH isnt helping me one iota, as he keeps telling me to move forward and not let her cold shouldouring and funny ways upset me !!!He just gets angry and shouts at me for how I feel which makes me feel it all the more as Im not getting any support , but I cant ignore how I feel as its really affecting me. Im hot and panicked and and the back of my neck has tensed up so badly I have a ripping headache. Yes I know I shouldnt let her affect me so much. But Im staying in her house and leaving dd with her for a formal wedding all day and evening on Sunday. Ive started freaking out over what to wear for the few days and cant organise myself as it just blocks me and gets me really stressed. Shes very much about the right thing to wear amnd the right thing to do and I feel she totally looks down at me. Normally I know the "appropriate outfit" to wear and always feel quite good these days,(therapy's ,made me feel much more comfortable in my skin), so I can see the effect she has on me very apparantly. Anyone else got nightmare SIL?? !!!

ranting

ranting

Sorry Melsy - I don't have a SIL. There was a thread around last week about inlaws generally which was very "rant filled". I know it's really hard to ignore your feelings. My inlaws are coming over from Spain on Sunday and already I am very very tense and pre-empting lots of trouble which of course causes tension at home. Good luck

thanx jampot -- just need to vent. Oh dear you , tis a universal thing !!

melsy I can sympathis I have nightmare mil, fil, and bil. If I had known all of this would I have married dh? Not a question to ask yourself with the lights on. I rationalise the tense events by reminding myself it is their problem and being horrible to me (and also to dh) is their loss because they are missing out on our family life. Sometimes dh is not supportive and it has caused major problems, at the end of the day you married dh and not sil, walk away it is her problem. chill out music, large glass of your tipple, remind yourself being a mum is the hardest job you will ever do and the first year is always the hardest IMO. You are getting there

Thank you bebby , seems like its a common theme in life, this Inlaws thing , so god only knows what she thinks of me!! I think it makes it so much harder when your partner doesnt support you , as it just add to the strain of the sitaution.

Shes only interested in her life , never been to any of my houses, as alwasy has to go shopping in the west end when shes in London or HAS to see her friends. Not at all interested in me as a person lives a very cliquey and privlegded life where she lives. Shame as my BIL is quite a nice funny chap & the kids are really cute , shes just rude. Shell probably spend most of her time on the phone TO HER FRIENDS amnd not even bother to join us in the tv room, or offer us anything to drink.

when I say any of my house I dont mean it to sounds like I own loads !!!Ive lived in my area for 6-7 yrs and moved 3 times and shes never seen them. Its just a metaphor for her complete disintrest in our lives. Its like shes just suffering our side of the family.

melsy - Like I said it is her problem, she is missing out on a great person, keep telling yourself this. I have tried to stick to a new rule recently and it is this - don't waste your precious energy allowing someone who isn't worth it. Is she really worth all the worry and tension. Look her in the eye tell her it is lovely to see her, she looks so well etc. Bombard her with positive stuff (not too over the top or she will smell a rat) and if she doesn't melt eventually, then your pearls are cast before swine as they say (wear them round your neck with pride . Do you think the mn people could give us an emoticon hug?

Hi Melsy

I have a SIL who, shall I say politely, I'm not looking forward to seeing....!
In fact, I shall be starting a thread on MN so that MNers can tell me if I am right or not. You may wish to put forward your comments...!
Do you have to stay with SIL this weekend? If you do, just concentrate on how much you love your......DH home, will continue tomorrow!!

Just to wish you all the best and offer you lots of support to get through this. Would it help to think about when you've got through staying with sil and are back in your own surroundings? You're strong - you've a wonderful dd. Look pleased to see sil - you'll look fab in your outfit - best wishes xxx

Melsy, lots of symphathy, my sil used to be very similar to yours, horrible comments all the time, she was a living nightmare. Just to give you an idea, for my wedding my family stayed at my MIL & FIL's beach house (inlaws stayed in their city house), I stayed in sil's bedroom as I was worried to death that something may get damaged. The day that I took my parents to the airport I went back to the house to pick up my things and didn't find anything in the room, when I mentioned she said that she had put all my stuff at the garage, what I never expected was to find all my clothes piled on the bare dirty floor mixed with the food that my mother had cooked for me and left in the freezer so I didn't miss them so much during my first days as a permanent resident of a new country. She was so jealous that somebody was distracting her brother attention from her. At the end she got a boyfriend and she is quite a different person, she seems to be lovely now, I keep a safe distance just in case but anyways, what I wanted to tell you is that she may have changed by now, but if she isn't try to avoid being left alone with her (they normally snap when there are no witnesses), and get your own food supplies (I do it with the excuse of DS allergies) and expect nothing from her, I have noticed that if you don't expect any good from them even the littlest nice actitude counts as a bonus. Good luck and please don't think much about it, otherwise you will arrive angry with her eventhough nothing has happened yet in this holiday

Im back and survived, just about. She really is a cold, snotty, odd bod. All I got all weekend was "oh I never buy from Next" or "I will only wear seven jeans". "Oh and come and look at our new 20k bedroom all specially made for us". I have never seen so many designer clothes in one childs wardrobe. She was quite happy to spend £46 on tee shirt for her darling little one, who wears juicy couture for kids IN THE GARDEN to play in the mud !!!! Its not so much a jealous thing, its that she is sooo spoilt and snotty about everything, as if she cant understand not being able to spend that kind of money & if you dont then you just dont fit her image of the kind of friend that she wants, which in my opinion is very sad and very fake. Its as if she doesnt appreciate her priveleged position at all and is soo blase about it.Her DH has a Porche 911, and all she can say is "I hate that car so much", never mind that its many peoples dream to have that kind of car on their drive or that even that kind of money. It actually made me feel sick that she doesnt see it as a blessing and takes it for granted.

I should have known she'd be trouble when on the morning of her wedding, 7 yrs ago, my future dh to be went of in a Rolls Royce to one of the houses. Everyone else , my future MIL) went to be with her at her parents house & I was left to eat lunch ON MY OWN in the hotel restaurant. To then hitch a lift to the wedding. When they went to take photographs after,I was left outside as I wasnt FAMILY. I felt sick to my stomach and cried in secret at being treated that way and should have taken more notice of the bad vibes, even my now DH didnt look after me that day and thought I was over reacting.

We unfortunately ended up in A&E on Sunday morn , due to dd's mysterious rash re-appearing with a vengance. so ended up being quite a stressfull weekend. I just didnt feel comfortable at all. Suffered terrible lack of sleep, & dd was also up at 4am the morning of hospital visit. The highlight was our friends wedding which we managed to get to (my SIL begrudgingly looked after DD that evening)and it was a thouroughly lovely event, very glamourous and nice to see old friends. But worried all evening about dd and phoned to check and had an icy reception.

I cant tell you how relieved I was to get back yesterday to my own home. I think that may be the last visit there for some time now.