Yet another MIL moan

[sunnyjim]

what is it about MIL's?

We've had quite a few childcare issues recently and as my mom works f/t my MIL offered to come up for 10 days to bridge the gap between nursery and nanny.

thats great, it means I can complete the contract at work and DH can also keep his job. So I am grateful and releived but dear god its been 3 days and she is driving me up the wall!

Its all the little things, she said " i won't get in your way, i have things to do of my own (she's doing a p/t distance learning course) so I know you will both be shattered in the evening so I'll get on with that. She also said 'oh i don't agree with telling people what to do, I'm just here to help you out.

So far she has managed to critisise me for not being super clean, (I explained that we now know that too much disinfectant etc can lead to allergies and asthma)
The she critised me for washing our towels and dishclothes after two uses - which I found really contradictory, so I'm suppoused to use strong chemicals to clean my surfaces twice a day but leave a tea towel that has been used to mop up spills or a towel that DH (with excma) has used and then mopped up the shower spills with.

She commented on how untidy the living room was but when I said I planned on turning our attic into a big playroom/nursery for DS so he has somewhere with enough space to lay out his cars tracks, have a painting area (ie wipe clean vinyl) etc she said to DS, 'oh you poor mite, you're going to be locked away all on your own!"

her other classic so far today was when i was saying I hoped to start getting DS into the habit of putting away one box of toys before getting out the next thing so that once he was 3(ish) it would be a nice habit to keep his toys neat/unbroken/lost and help mom tidy up.
"oh dear your mum really doesn't want you to be part of this family at all!"

I came in from work yesterday and she had him eating his tea, despite the note i'd left (and the preprepared food in the fridge)she had decided to feed him on some bits of a roll of bread and ham she bought for herself. She had all the lgihts off (at 4pm) so they were sitting in the dark more or less and the radio blasting out the local 'pop' station. I had previuosly explained that we tried not to have music or TV on as background but would put his own CD's, DVD's or CBBC's on to watch/listen too.

I have her here until next firday and I honestly don't know how I will cope!

Chill out!

She's got a different way of doing stuff, but your ds is probably enjoying a bit of a change.

Ignore the daft comments and appreciate the help!

I think you need to chill.

I think MILs often do our head in by virtue of the fact that they are MILs.

is it possible that her "criticisms" are just different opinions? sometimes I think that if someone opinionates that they do things differently to us then we often see them as criticism rather than just someone having a different view of the way things are, esp if it relates to the way we clean our house for instance.

Tbh I can't see anything wrong with having the radio on in the background - we have the radio on 5 live or local radio all the time in our house.

and maybe she was having something to eat and your ds wanted some so she decided to let him have that instead, again as long as she didn't give him a bar of dairymilk for his tea really I can't see any harm.

Agree with everyone else BUT, if I'm honest, I wouldn't have done a few years ago!
It's hard to have someone else in your house dealing with your child in ways you wouldn't have chosen yourself.
But - and I'm probably going to sound MONSTROUSLY patronising here - as my kids have got older, I've realised that the massive benefits of having a loving, involved granny in their lives outweigh all the (many many) little irritations that come with it.
I wish my mum and MIL were still fit enough - and lived near enough - to be as involved as your MIL...

I'd bite my tongue about most of it, but not this:
"oh dear your mum really doesn't want you to be part of this family at all!"

That is a truly terrible thing to say to a young child - I would react to anything like that with "Please don't say that to him, it could really frighten him, he's only little" or similar.

Chin up, it's only 7 more days! You'll just have to use MN to let off steam.

well - the cleaning stuff could be a matter of opinion - but the things she said to your ds are not ok to say to a child, imo. I would be really cross. Good thing it's only till next Friday - good luck with it.

That comment about not wanting to be part of the family is awful. I think I'd have to try and ignore the other things as she is helping out. My mil does most peculiar things so I'm not the best person to give advice as the slightest wrong step from her drives me up the wall. At least she fed him something approriate - my mil once tried to feed our 10 months old ds2 a jar of red pesto sauce when she was babysitting
Remember to breathe slowly and count down the minutes until she's gone.

Yes its the comments to DS (and me) that have really riled me. I do try and bite my tongue about the rest but It just felt today as if everything I did she critised!

Hmmm. I have great sympathy for you, I have a problem MIL myself and reading your post made me really empathise with you.

I think most MIL problems stem from jealousy by the MIL, who can't accept that her little boy (as she still sees him) has got another woman in his life who is, in most ways, more important to him. That comment to your ds was really nasty and no doubt motivated by jealousy.

I don't have any magic formula I'm afraid, but I think you should say something next time she makes a comment like that, otherwise a slow simmering resentment will build up inside you. Try to ignore the housekeeping stuff, because it's not worth picking a battle over things like washing towels.

Was going to ask how your DH gets on with his Mum?. Does he stand up to her or does he walked over by her?.

What she said to your DS is certainly not okay to say to a child.

Think your DH and you as a couple need to have a quiet word with her asap. The important thing here is for both of you (i.e DH and you) to present a united front.

Its all very well her saying that she's here to help but all she is doing is undermining your efforts. Therefore this is not help at all.

My MIL will often look over my shoulder and say
"Thats a very interesting way you have of doing that"

and I have no idea what she means
My MIL will offer to iron for me so I shut her away in another room and let her get on with it - is there any job which would occupy your MIL ?
Also its the weekend so crack open the wine
and block out 50% of what she says

Er..are you paying her the £300 +++ itwould cost to get childcare?
If not,I think you should
a.) shut up
b.) Get down on your knees and thank God that you have someone willing to sacrifice two weeks of their life to you.

What moondog said

it's not ok to say something that might upset a child

whether you get paid for it or not

Agree with weaselmum. This MIL is not just being critical and making digs at her DIL, she's actually saying very nasty things to her toddler DS in order to be hurtful to her.

Since she's not making ant rational sense (moaning that it's messy, then having a go at her for wanting to teach DS to be tidy - totally nonsensical!) it does seem as if her agenda is to put you down in any way she can to assert who's boss.

I think the best way to approach it is to be protective of DS. "I don't mind you disagreeing with the way I do things, that's fine, but please can you not say scary things to DS, like saying I don't want him in the family. It will just upset him and it's important that he sees us getting on."

If it were me I would also pull her up on the inconsistencies, in a nice, sweet way. "Oh..." "do you think it would be better if I didn't teach DS to be tidy? Why's that - I thought you didn't like the mess? What do you think I should do instead?" Make it sound like you'd really welcome her advice. Since she's talking total rubbish, she'lll probably have to back down and admit that yes children should learn to be tidy, etc.

thanks snow leopard and others, yes I am hugely grateful that she is helping us out but I don't think that gives her leeway to say hurtful things like that to DS, or to continually undermine me.

If I thought she saw it as 'sacrificing' two weeks of her life I wouldn't have said yes when she offered. I hoped that she saw it as a chance to help out family and to spend a bit more time with her only grandson as usually (because they live a long distance away) she only sees him briefly.

I guess I was brought up to think that family does help each other out - if my brother's car is broken and I offer to give him a lift I don't expect him to 'get down on his knees' and be grateful. Neither would I expect that because I was 'sacrificing' a day off/petrol time etc that it gave me leeway to say horrible things to him or to disagree with his requests.

If she was super tidy and efficient and CONSISTANT I would accept the comments. MPOV is that it is horribly rude to comment baout how someone else runs their house but I'd smile and stay quiet. Its the inconsistancy that bugs me, it feels like whatever i do she will go out of her way to comment and critisice my choices.

Ishouldbeironing, she's just mentioned that DH shirts looked as if they needed ironing and that she found it restful so yes I will let her get on with that i think. (by the way my view is as we both work f/t DH irons his own shirts but apparantly she feels that is still my job)

It might distract her from comments on my own clothing and whether I should be wearing 'those clothes' to teach in

What I really object to about the type of comments your MIL is making is the passive-aggressive way she makes them, ie directed them to your child rather than directly to you so that you can't challenge her assumptions. Imagine how rude she would be if she directly said to Sunnyjim 'oh you really don't want your child to be part of your family' or even 'you are going to lock him away all on his own'. She wouldn't say that directly to her face, but by saying it indirectly it is supposed to be somehow acceptable. I think she is incredibly rude, and the fact that she is doing the OP a huge favour doesn't make it ok.

empathy with you sunnyjim! My PILs help us out lots but they still drive me bonkers with their comments and funny ways.

Guess that's what you have to put up with being a daughter in law