Father's access being cut drastically...any ideas what I can do please?

[Chocol8]

I really at my wits end...again! Tonight, my wh has just announced that he cannot take my ds for the two hours he normally has him on a Wed evening ever again.

Then he calmly announced that he can't have him every Saturday pm either. He tells me that he has a new job with shift hours, though he's not sure of when he can and can't have him. He did not offer to have him any other evening during the week or on a Sunday. In fact he seemed quite pleased about it.

He said "it can't be helped, needs must", so I said "what so, work comes before your son" and he said "if you like, I am not going to argue with you".

Only yesterday we were named in court for the decree nisi and it has been recorded that he will have him on the Wed eve for 2 hours and Saturday pm for 5 hours and will potentially have him overnight in the future...he has had him once in 4.5 years.

Besides being absolutely livid, I feel there may be a legal implication here - does anyone know what they could be? If I speak to my solicitor tomorrow, can I change all the paperwork which says about the 7 hours a week (which he thinks is completely admirable of him), changing to only a Saturday pm when and if he can manage it? Can I ensure that HE gets charged for the solicitors fees and not me - we are halving the divorce costs.

There has to be some sort of pattern to it - like every other Sat or every three Sats or something. I am not sitting around waiting for him to dictate when and where he can see my ds.

I would rather that if he wants to make the break completely then he should be a man about it and tell me. That way, I can deal with the fallout and make it better for my ds (who is SN) and get on with our lives without him. Incidentally, my ds never complains when his dad lets him down on a Sat, but it really buggers things up arrangements wise for me, as that time to myself is my r&r time and is very valued. Incidentally he has 2 other children, one of whom he saw last week for the first time in about 3 years.

Please if anyone can offer any ideas, I would be very grateful. Thank you.

Parents who have been granted contact often fail to take advantage of it. For a parent with whom the child lives this can create problems, where s/he has to deal with the anxiety and disappointment of the children and may resent the lack of any shared responsibility.

Unfortunately, there is no means in law of making a reluctant parent retain contact with a child. Although in law the parent has a right to maintain direct and regular contact with the child, in order to carry out her/his parental responsibility, and it is the right of a child to have contact with both parents wherever possible, the court cannot force the parent to have contact with the child.

Negotiation between the parents is one option to resolve the problem. It may be possible to get professional help with negotiating, for example, a counsellor or a mediation and conciliation service.

If negotiation fails, the parent with whom the child lives may wish to return to court to get the contact order varied or discharged on the grounds that the contact order is not being complied with and it is not in the interests of the child to have a contact order which is being disregarded.

This is entirely unsatisfactory, but unfortunately there is no means to force him to continue seeing your son if he refuses to do so.

Thanks Freckle. I would prefer it if he would just tell me he doesn't want contact at all and then f/o out of our lives forever...but that's just a wish. I have in the past considered moving far away so that he has not contact but I would miss my family (which is very small) too much.

I feel he has a track record that speaks volumes with 3 kids and I suspected that it would only be a matter of time before he did this to his youngest son.

We barely talk so negotiation/conciliation would be pointless and very stressful for me - I hate him for what he has done to me and my ds in the past but this is just the icing on the cake.

If he doesn't choose to have contact, does he still have to pay maintenance, or can he withold that too? The problem is that it is a power trip for him and he loves to do spiteful and hurtful things to me which is why I would prefer to just have him out of our lives for good. He can then find someone else to play his twisted mindgames with.

Is it worth calling the solicitor tomorrow to get the hours on the paperwork changed Freckle?

You can't get the hours changed without the agreement of the tosser or the court. Even if they were changed, would it make any difference? If I were you, I'd just keep a diary of all matters relating to contact, so that, if at some time in the future, he decided to go back to court and accuse you of stopping him seeing his son, you have evidence to contradict that.

Wrt maintenance, the two matters are unrelated in the eyes of the courts, so if he stopped maintenance, you could pursue him for that.

It just seems to get worse! The only difference with regard to changing the hours is that it would be on record what a sad excuse for a father he really is.

He sent me a text earlier: "Better let you know that although I will know roughly what weekends I will be available, I won't be able to have him for all of them sorry".

I really don't trust myself to text back just now. Does it sound like he is looking for no contact - or am I just too close and upset to see? I am so f*ing angry!!!

Sounds to me that he really isn't bothered about contact and is doing this to wind you up. Succeeding, isn't he? I would ignore it, but make a note in your diary, quoting the text verbatim.

Speak to your solicitor tomorrow. She may have some suggestions as to how to deal with this.

When you are feeling calmer, text him back along the lines: "It appears that you do not want to have regular contact with x(son's name). This is fine by me. Please only contact me in future to advise of dates when you can see him, if at all."

Don't let him see that it is bothering you. As you say, it doesn't seem to be bothering your ds, so don't let the b*stard upset you.

Agree, contact and child support are totally unrelated. And you can't force him to see his son. Don't do anything while you are so angry. I would simply say something like, "Please only tell me when you will have him, not when you can't. I need to know firm arrangements and hope that you will stick to them as it is extremely inconvenient otherwise."
I can't understand this kind of thing. My dh has a child from a previous relationship and would have her to live with us if he could.

Message withdrawn

I agree with others Chocol8, don't do anything while you're still angry. Also agree with whoever it was who said that you should ask him when he can see DS, not when he can't. What you don't want in future is the situation where he f*s you around leaving you waiting to find out when he's going to see DS, says he's coming on Saturday, and then doesn't turn up.

So you need to take control and pin him down. He can't do all Sats. OK - how many can he do? one a month? three a month? If only one, the first, second third or fourth of the month? What time? - pin him down and don't put up with any nonsense about letting you know nearer the time - as soon as he knows his shifts, he can inform you and work out the best date for contact so that you can make arrangements to do other things that day.

It is probably better to put everything in writing. 1. It calms you down and stops you saying things you'll regret. 2. It's a record which you can use in a legal context if you need to. 3. It makes it more real, so he's more likely to stick to it, providing some consistency and stability for your DS. I do agree with you that it's better for him to f/o altogether than f* you around - at least DS then knows where he is (and you too). But that should be a last resort. Don't give him permission to give up on his parental responsibilities, give him every opportunity to maintain contact within a reasonable framework that meets the needs of all three of you. As he sounds like a complete arse, it probably won't work, but you (and your DS) need to know that if contact arrangements don't work out, it's not because you didn't try.
What an awful man.

Thanks again for all your good advice, you wonderful people!

I spoke to my solicitor who agrees that his behaviour is unacceptable. I have calmed down a bit now, but still stressed. TBH it is a small break that I value so much - it keeps me sane after an awful week when my ds has a meltdown. I hate to think that I relied on wh for a break, but the truth is I did.

This aside, my ds is being very brave about this and doesn't seem to mind too much - at the moment anyway. He told me he would rather be with me cos "you're pretty". Bless his little cotton socks! All I can say is that if wh wanks me and ds about with contact, saying he will turn up and doesn't - it will only happen the once - and NEVER again.

My solicitor is drafting a letter to say that the contact he does have has to be regular and adhered to. She is also going to chase him for the divorce money (his half) to scare him a bit. Even if I pay £50 for this letter, it will be worth it. I will let you know what he comes back with...should be interesting!

Thanks again. x

Well the solicitors letter went out and was received by him tonight.

This was his reply by text: "Looks like your going to have a hefty bill at the end of this. The letter I received from your solicitors has nothing to do with our divorce and therefore YOU can pay for your stupid letters. I will be sending the same reply to them and then going to the CSA about maintenance and custody. Have a nice day now".

Can anyone tell me what my next move should be please? Although I know that he could not get custody, there is a small part of me that worries. My sister suggested that I write EVERYTHING child related down since the start of our relationship so that if i need to go to court, it is all there and ready.

Considering that he still can't tell me when he will be working (if he is not working, he MAY have my ds) then what chance would he have of caring for him full time?
Also, he pays me £200 pcm at the mo, so the CSA may well ask him for more, considering his wages must have improved if he is working as and when?

Any suggestions please?

In my experience the CSA will more than likely tell him to pay less - maintenance levels set by them are at poverty levels - I'd try to keep them out of it if I were you.

As for custody (or care and control, as it is now called), that's nothing to do with the CSA. It's very rare for a father to get care and control against the wishes of the mother, and his solicitor will probably advise him of this.

Thanks Meanbean, I know that the CSA have nothing to do with care and control (?!?) but he seems to think it's a one stop shop because he's an idiot.

I was really hoping that he would shoot himself in the foot and the csa would make him pay more - considering he is allegedly doing shift work and cannot see his child, but it wouldn't surprise me if it was the opposite as you say.

I am not sure he has a solicitor, well, he wouldn't, he knows it all anyway but I feel a bit safer in the knowledge that he cannot have care and control against my wishes, although it would be more like "over my dead body" or "when hell freezes over".

He has told me by text that he will see my ds this Saturday, but not the next, tho next Sat I knew about and we are on holiday for a week then anyway, so in effect he won't see him for 2 weeks on the run and maybe more if he is "working".

Thanks for your reply. x