AIBU - OH's sons - resentment?

[NewToThis2016]

In an attempt to cut a long story short...

I met my OH almost 2 years ago. He is divorced and has two late-teen boys who live with their mum. I have never had children and am too old to have them now. He sees them as often as he can (he works unsociable hours), and I get on with them very well when they visit.

I love my OH to bits. He is kind, generous with his time and himself, endlessly patient, supportive, encouraging of me and my endeavours and he thinks the world of me.

I find it quite difficult to handle the fact that he's not a great planner/organiser, so it's not uncommon for me to get a text from him when I'm on my way home from work, telling me one, or both of his sons are there, staying for tea, staying the night, etc. I tend to plan and sometimes I know I can be a bit inflexible.

Me and my OH don't get to spend Friday nights/weekends with each other very often, maybe once every 6 weeks or so, because of his job. Last Friday, I had been looking forward to spending some quality time with OH before he went back to work on Saturday evening. So it frustrated me horribly when the 'Son A is staying' text arrived about 15 minutes before I got home. It frustrated me even more when I found out later that Son A had been there all afternoon and my OH hadn't thought to at least prepare me in advance.

I feel so conflicted, and I'm conscious that I am feeling a little bit resentful - not of his sons, but OH's lack of forward thinking. It makes me feel like an afterthought sometimes. I also know that I could be being somewhat unfair, as they are his children and at times I cannot be his priority. But... his sons are essentially adults...

I have spoken to him about this. He understands my point of view, but at the same time he does repeat 'I'm not a planner' as if that's the end of it. He said about this particular Friday that he too had been looking forward to some quality time, but he can't say no to his sons.

The trouble is, he can't say no to his sons, but in effect, he's saying no to me, isn't he?

As I said at the beginning, I've never had children, so I haven't had to do the self-sacrificing that parents have to do. He doesn't think I'm being selfish, or demanding, but I worry that I am. Don't get me wrong, I don't complain about this all the time, just sometimes I feel a bit forgotten.

Has anyone else been in this kind of situation? How did you deal with it? This is the only thing that I find challenging, and I want to be able to learn. We have such a strong relationship in all other respects.

Too often in these situations, everyone goes on as usual and the stepparent is expected to conform to the existing family.

A stepparent typically doesn't have the same level of comfort and familiarity with the kids as the bio parents do. Asking for a little notice is not unreasonable.

The boys probably see it as another of their homes-quite rightly. However, your DP is being unreasonable by not giving you more notice.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to read and reply, I do appreciate it!

spanky - we sat down and did the shift pattern thing this evening. His work do tend to change it at short notice, but it's a start!

QuiteLikely5 - yes, I agree he is an excellent father. I come from a divorced parent background and a very inconsistent and absent father arrangement, which is why I have been very careful not to push this too much with my OH. I've told him many times how good a father I think he is, and how I admire him for this.

gildedcage - I never have asked them or my OH to book a time. As I said before, I'm very conflicted as I'm very conscious that I'm the newcomer in all of their lives. I've never made either of them feel unwelcome, ever, and I'm sure that they have no idea of my internal angst over this! This is why I'm asking advice... Thank you for your post by of view - I do appreciate it, honestly.

Foxes - I've not been brought up like that - I know I'd always be welcome, but I'd never just turn up. Different upbringings...

Sandy - yes, sometimes I do want to kick back and relax and know that when I get home from work, I can enjoy some peace and quiet. And when that is disrupted at the last minute, I do feel a bit on edge inside (but I never, ever show it!).

Cary2012 - I totally agree, he is an excellent dad for his sons. He's obviously not the resident parent, but he has been, I'd and always will be the most stable force in their life. I completely admire him for that, and respect it. He should always put them first. It's finding the balance that works for all of us that is a little challenging. I am very lucky that they have accepted me for me, which is why I don't want to make things difficult, and why I have come here to ask for some perspective from others who have more experience.

Livelovebehappy - I agree - comparing my friends coming over to him having his children over isn't a great comparison, but it's the only one I have. Their mother is the resident parent though, so I think that's a different arrangement to what you describe. Perhaps my OH and I didn't talk this aspect of our home life in depth enough before we moved in, although at that point his sons visited one day every weekend, so that seemed like the stable arrangement, which had changed over time.

Puff42 - it is tricky. I am more than delighted that they boys feel comfortable enough that they feel welcome, however I've never been in a relationship with anyone with children before, so I am learning as I go!

Cherry - yes, perhaps they do.

Everyone - thanks so much for your thoughts. I read them earlier but have only just replied, since I was talking with my OH about this. Reading all your opinions gave me some support (and I do mean all, including any where you disagreed with me). I can see his perspective better, he can see mine. We didn't come to blows, but listened to each other properly. Perfect timing - as his eldest called up just as we'd finished to see if he and his girlfriend could come over tomorrow night as its his birthday, and they want to spend the evening and night together. I shall be in charge of a couple of young lovebirds once my OH has gone to work! Yet another new experience for me!

Thank you all once again!

Have tried picking a date night . But though out the day reminding your dh . Will your work allow you to text during the day . Because I would be txt every hour to remind him . I think there might even a app to do . And if you get a msg back say out with kids . Txt the kids that it date night starts at xxxx

As for the love birds I would let them get on with . You don't have been in charge of adult s

Too often in these situations, everyone goes on as usual and the stepparent is expected to conform to the existing family.

This is so true. A couple breaks up, sorts shared care of their DCs out between them, then they decide to start a new relationship and don't think that there's any need to make compromises or concessions to help nurture that new relationship.

The 'new' partner, or step parent, is expected to just fit in with the status quo and not expect or ask for any consideration within that dynamic.

It's a huge ask if someone actually. No wonder so many find it so hard.

I do think OH is in the mindset of over-compensating, just a little, because he feels guilty for not being home with them (irrespective of why the divorce happened).

As he said to me last night, we're muddling our way through just like everyone else. To give him credit, he did recognise that he hadn't appreciated how I felt. We both feel better now we've had 'the chat'.

I'm glad you sorted it out.

Really pleased you had a chat and hope things improve. I like the idea of date nights suggested above. What about if you and your partner sat down with a calendar and just blocked some dates out? Say, ok in October on these 8 days, or however many, we are exclusive, us only. Then late September send the boys an email, saying you know you're welcome here, we love seeing you, etc etc, but you're old enough to understand that we need space as a couple, so please avoid these dates in your plans.

Might be worth a go?

And yes I get that your partner is over compensating, and it's great that he's open about why.

You've got a good man there OP, and I think you sound a strong couple with a great future.

Good luck

spanky2 - thank you!

Cary2012 - yes, the date nights are a good idea. Now that we have both aired our inner thoughts, worries and frustrations (argh! he said 'why didn't you say something before?' LOL! - a good question though), I know that he is very happy to have a schedule for 'us' in place. In fact.... tada! we're having one on Friday!

Yes, he is a good man. A little disorganised at times, but definitely a good one.

Thank you to everyone for your support and thoughts!

Not sure if already mentioned but how about a group whatsapp for the 4 of you & ask the boys to message there when arranging visits, as their forgetful dad sometimes forgets to tell you, just so you can get food in etc

I do think this is a potential minefield and probably nobody is to blame.

My XH recently moved in with his DP and they are getting married next year. My DC are older teens, and get on OK with the DP. XH is keen for DC to see his home as theirs, but I am not convinced his DP feels the same way. Not because she doesn't like them, but because it's her home and she feels they are a slight intrusion.

For example, this weekend, DS and his GF stayed over with XH. I had assumed, as had XH, that they would get up late and go off shopping/whatever. XH and his DP went to work. When the DP came home, DS and his GF were still there and I got a call from XH who said his DP was pretty freaked out about it.

I don't think she really minded them being there, she just wasn't expecting it, was probably tired after a long day at work etc.

So you aren't alone, and I do think it just takes better communication all round and you will get there. Good luck.