What should i do - Ex will take no responsibility

[ragdollymama]

Found out in June my husband of 12 years had been online dating and cheating on me for months. He wasn't a good husband before this: selfish, unsupportive, disinterested in kids (ages 10, 6 and 2) etc so I wasn't heartbroken when he moved out in July. Since then I've just been staggered by just how selfish he is being. He promised to take kids camping then just changed his mind. His idea of 'sharing the parenting responsibility' hasn't gone beyond him coming round for an hour at a time (he juSt turns up when he feels like it) - says his house isn't set up for kids. He refuses point blank to have anything to do with our 2 year old dd - he says 'she does his head in'. He's unreliable: was supposed to pick up ds from a weekend he had away but he said he 'couldn't' at last mimute and I had to drop everything to make the 4 hour round trip. I'm exhausted. I need a break but how can I get him to step up and actually share the parenting? (I've had kids every single day since his bombshell). Should I threaten to not let him see them at all?
He's also completely plundered our joint account (up to overdraft limit) to furnish his new place despite me insisting repeatedly that he needs to come off our account, set up his own and pay me maintenance. So I'm desperately worried about money too as he just doesn't seem to give a shit about the impact on us. I will get legal advice when I have the money. Can I ask bank to bar him from account? It was mine originally.

So let me get this straight.
You split in June.
He comes and goes when he pleases.
He is fully prepared to pay support but isn't actually paying anything.
This loan he is taking out, what address is it registered at I wonder. Do you actually know where (and with who) he is living at the moment?
Seriously, big girl panties on and start moving this along. Solicitors on Friday is a start,what about the bank, and also possibly CAB. Give him a deadline to move out his stuff, otherwise bin bag it.Post goes return to sender or forward to his new address. Chain on the front door for security.
He is absolutely taking the piss. Don't let him.

Right all doors except front door, keep locked with keys left in (inside obviously).

Oh dear! The front door lock is broken! New front door lock, new keys, you keep all keys. Yes, I know he should have access, tough. I didn't dream this up, my SHL advised me to do this. By the time he goes through the courts for access, you'll be sorted because you will have your own shl.

Bin his stuff if bagged up stuff not collected by a certain date, leave it in an outbuilding, garden.

Like others said, big girl pants time!

Thank you. I'm being a wus aren't I. His salary has gone in up to now but he's said from Sept he's switched it to his a/c so that's when maintenance will start. I know leaving me £1500 short before I've started is crap as I'm cutting every bit of cost to the bone to manage and break even going forward but it's a bit less scary than £4500. I haven't yet told him categorically not to enter the house - i'll tackle that next time once I've bagged up all his stuff.

I have his address as I asked him outright for it to ask for council tax discount at mine (they wanted his forwarding address) but he hasn't to my knowledge notified anyone else of change as his mail still comes here. No idea what he's doing with his time / if or who he's sleeping with and at the moment I don't care I hate him that much for what he's done and how little regard he has shown me. Anyway I'm off to bed, early train to catch in the morning. I really appreciate being able to offload here and the great advice and support. Goodnight lovelies x

Sorry i need to rant/ share a bit. Ive had positives and negatives since my last post. Got some good advice / info at solicitors but I'm a bit daunted at the cost. Solicitor actually advised me not to rush but see if he does what he says he's going to over the next month or two, if not then act. I will be closing joint account as soon as it's in credit though. I was also a bit more assertive - told ex I wanted him to have kids all day Sunday and get ready to start regular fortnightly weekends with them. He said fine...... but then Sunday came. He didn't turn up till 11.30. Tried to let himself in but chain was on but kids were all ready so I just shooed them all out the door and said see you at 6.30pm. I coloured my hair then popped out to shops. But when I got home at 4pm to my dismay his car was out the front of my house. He'd brought all kids home - I walked in fuming to find him coming out of my bedroom. I lost it a bit; said did he not get it, that he doesn't live here so he can't just let himself in and treat it like his house. He said I was over - reacting, youngest dd was tired so he brought them home so she could have a nap. Told him she will have to nap at his house (suspiciously he flat refused to take kids to his house, they asked him if they could see it as curious. Does make me wonder what he's hiding....). Told him he can't let himself in anymore. He reacted like I'd asked him to fly to the moon or something, like I was being ridiculous (I'm not am I? ). I also asked him when he was putting money in our joint account for the overdraft he's generated. He said he can't get a loan and said I had to get a loan in my name and he'd pay it. I said no way (I'm a bit soft; I'm not that stupid!). So it all feels like 1 step forward, 3 steps back. Sigh.

Well done for starting to get more assertive.
Good for going to go see solicitors.
I know you're not daft, but don't let him pressure you into getting that loan.
Might be worth speaking to CAB for some benefits advice, see if there is anything you can claim. Also they may be able to give you advice re CSA, as I doubt you are going to see any maintenance voluntarily from your ex.
And get those locks changed.Just tell him you lost your keys and had to do it for security reasons.

OP, speak to your bank TODAY! What's to stop him extending the overdraft and putting you in greater debt?

OP stop asking him to do stuff and tell him. I know you are starting to do this to some extent but you need to take more control. Apply formally for maintenance and change the locks.

Communicate by email so you have it in writing, confirming what arrangements will be for him seeing the children moving forwards. Tell him dc need to know what's going on and it can't all be about what suits him.