Asexuality dilemma

[user1473028862]

Hi all. Would really appreciate a female perspective on my problem.

I am a 35 year old male with very little interest in penetrative sex. I'm not entirely averse to it, but if I never had it again it wouldn't be a big deal. As you can imagine, this has constituted a significant issue within relationships. One ex partner walked out on me in exasperation because I never initiated sexual interaction, and others have been more tolerant but still felt hurt and undervalued. The upshot is that I get very resentful, feeling like a performing monkey who has to put out on sufferance (although of course I appreciate partners do not intend me to feel like this).

Anyway, recently someone mentioned online asexual dating facilities, so I thought 'problem solved' and signed up for a few. Not a great success. I found one woman who claimed to be genuinely asexual 150 miles away (with whom it soon transpired I had nothing in common). All the rest turned out not to be asexual at all. They either semed to be seeking friendship (usually with other women), or just some non-committal chat with someone other than a sexual predator.

My question is this: although asexuality seems very much to be a thing these days, are you, or is anyone you have ever known, asexual (or just does not see sex as a make or break issue in a relationship)? And also, as a guy seeking to avoid sex, I feel like a total outsider. Have you known other guys like me?

Thanks

I see.i was confused because you said this in your OP

The upshot is that I get very resentful, feeling like a performing monkey who has to put out on sufferance (although of course I appreciate partners do not intend me to feel like this)

So I took it that you don't want your partner to ask you for sex or as you say " put out " .

So you do want them to initiate sex, but only once a week and not penetrative ?

I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be difficult. But it seem to me that it woudl be helpful for you to be clearer with prospective partners about what you want, as this has obviously caused problems in the past.

For example, you say that you are turned off by the sexual parts of bodies but you are willing to have non penetrative sex . But if you find these parts disgusting, you are not going to want to touch them with your hands or mouth either, are you ?

So do you in fact mean that you only want to hug and kiss, with no sexual touching ? That's fine if that's what you want , but it might help to be clear about that .

I guess I mean I want only to hug and kiss with no sexual touching. Ideally.

I'm asexual or pretty much so. I think technically I'm a gray A, bi romantic, but that's a bit of a mouthful.

I have come to the conclusion that it would not be a good idea for me to seek a relationship with a sexual person. Realistically, how could it ever work? Somebody who is sexual wants their partner to engage enthusiastically during sex, to really enjoy that kind of physical intimacy. I don't want that and I never will. And therefore it would be selfish of me to attempt a relationship with someone who does, because I would basically be ensuring that they would always have a disappointing sex life with me.

I'm fairly happily singly and (obvs) celibate at the moment. If I do choose to date again, I will only choose other asexuals because the alternative is disappointment on both sides.

Am I the only person hoping this thread resulted in some asexual Mumsnetters getting in touch? They could at least introduce one another to their nookie-averse friends!

"Some odd remarks here about wanting children. OP's as likely as any other man to father kids "

Well not if he doesn't want sex.. why is that confusing?

Some people are rather lacking in imagination ......

I am happily married but I can most definitely take or leave sex. I dabbled on a few asexuality boards when I was younger but in the end decided that isn't how I identify. I can and do enjoy sex - in the right context, with the right person. I very rarely initiate and would be happy with a partner who didn't (though I'm also very happy with my partner who does, so there is also that.)

But I have realised more recently that I am fairly unusual in this, I don't think it's a very typical way of being. I feel (like you alluded to in one post) that many women who express interest in a relationship where sex is not required are less keen on an actual sexless relationship and more on just spending time with a non-predatory male. Other posters talked about people wanting to be desired and I can see that (I just don't personally experience it.)

I would say good luck and keep looking, people are much more open minded to sexualities and relationship styles outside the norm these days. I don't think it's a given that a sexless relationship has to be poly or open, either. Of course, it takes longer to find somebody compatible the smaller that compatible window is. The estimated proportion of the population who is actually asexual is supposed to be around 1%, so it is to some extent a numbers game.

From what I gathered from Aven many years ago, many asexual people would be willing to have sex for the purpose of having children, if indeed they wanted children. Of course other conception methods are available. Many asexual people don't want children, possibly a higher proportion than the population at large, but I couldn't tell you if this was significant - it seems unless you're posting on actual parenting sites, a lot of people on the internet seem to dislike the idea of having children, so it could just be that bias rather than asexuality itself. I don't think it's fair to jump to conclusions that a person who is asexual is likely to not want children.

I would love to be in a relationship with you!