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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

he just hit me

48 replies

purplemonsta15 · 04/09/2016 22:47

Hi ive been with my partner for over 4 years now, and 9 months ago we had our first child.
We've had our ups and downs with myself struggling with PTSD and weve finally got back to normal. We've even agreed that we'd like to contemplate another child.
But im scared.
I do struggle a bit with looking after the baby we already have, and my pregnancy and birth wasnt straight forward either. It hasnt been easy for any of us.
We just had a major arguement about him helping more, which resulted in him punching my forearm. Hes threatened violence before, but never actually did it. I was shocked, upset, angry. He didnt even appologise and atm still hasnt. My arms bruising and a bit swollen. Can damage be caused by a bruised muscle? What do i do? I cant throw years of us and also my babys childhood down the drain. I dont know what to do

OP posts:
MrsBertBibby · 04/09/2016 22:51

Leaving an abuive partner isn't throwing your baby's life own the drain. Staying with one might well be.

WatcherOfTheNight · 04/09/2016 22:51

Purple you phone the police,you do not put up with being hit sweetheart.Flowers

jayho · 04/09/2016 22:55

You leave. It's simple. Sorry to be so blunt and appreciate you must be in shock.

He hit you when you asked for support. If you stay you will have accepted that he does not have to support you and that if you do ask for it you can expect violence.

Call 101 now and ask for advice but if you can leave tonight, safely, then do.

AverageGayLad · 04/09/2016 22:58

Your baby won't remember this, but you will. For your own safety please call the police, that's assault and you need to protect yourself and that baby Flowers

Thattimeofyearagain · 04/09/2016 23:01

Police. Now.

MatildaOfTuscany · 04/09/2016 23:02

First of all, a huge hug.

I know you are reeling from this, but the only acceptable level of violence in a relationship is NONE.

First off, you need to be safe (you say this has only just happened). Is there anywhere you can go so you'll be safe? Your mum's? A friend's? Alternatively, if you think he's likely to hit you again, can you bring yourself to call the police (in an ideal world you should call the police anyway, but I realise that often victims of violence find this very hard to do).

I would urge you to go to the doctor tomorrow and get the bruising checked out and recorded on your medical files.

Also, the number for Women's Aid is 0808 2000 247.

This will be a huge shock to you. And I would imagine that at the moment the idea of leaving seems impossible (I watched my sister go through 20 years of a violent and abusive marriage, so I know how hard women find it to leave, for a whole load of reasons). But please, do not think of it as "throwing years" away - think of the possibility of leaving as avoiding throwing more years away (and eventually you will have to leave, though I fully see that it's an enormous thing to get your head round at the moment). And do not think of leaving as ruining your baby's childhood - it is preventing a childhood where they are abused by seeing their mother abused. Also, it is not your fault - he is the one who has screwed this up - he is the one who chose to hit you. (Think about it this way - does he hit his colleagues at work when they ask for help? Does he get in punch-ups in the pub? I bet the answer is no. He can control himself when he wants to - he hit you because he chose to hit you.)

ImperialBlether · 04/09/2016 23:04

Phone them now - better to deal with it now when it's just happened than wait until tomorrow.

If you don't feel safe enough to do it, photograph your arm and send it by text to a friend and ask her to help.

Bubblebloodypop · 04/09/2016 23:07

Phone the police. I'm so sorry Flowers

Donatello68 · 04/09/2016 23:38

Please phone the police. No matter what he says, hitting you is completely unacceptable. It could be much worse next time. Really sorry Flowers

PurpleDaisies · 04/09/2016 23:45

If he's hit you once, he'll do it again. Do you have anywhere you can go? Friend or family that could put you up for a little while while you work out what to do?
Sorry this has happened to you. Flowers

JessicasCrocodile · 04/09/2016 23:45

You would not be throwing away years of your relationship. You would be ensuring that you do not throw away the next years on a violent man.

You would not be throwing your baby's childhood down the drain. You would be ensuring that the remaining years of your baby's childhood are not filled with fear, threats and violence.

You deserve better, your baby deserves better. Leaving is by far the best thing you can do.

LittleDittyAbout · 04/09/2016 23:50

You asked for help and he punched you. Nothing more to say really, is there?

tipsytrifle · 05/09/2016 00:09

Sadly a line has been crossed by his actions and attitude. That line can't be uncrossed. He already threatened violence and now he has delivered on that threat. If you choose to minimise and ignore/excuse then you can certainly expect other sporadic moments like this and a very gradual escalation, each slap push or punch being worse than the last.

You might save your baby's childhood by removing this potentially disastrous situation. You will also save yourself - to be a good mother to your child, protecting him/her from harmful environments and NOT letting yourself slip and slide into a life of fear.

Please heed the huge wake up call your abusive and disgraceful partner has just given you. Police on 101 would be a good move. Phoning Women's Aid would be another one.

Don't even consider trying for another child. If you have ongoing contraception do not stop using it. It can take awhile for women to really "get" that they are in an abusive relationship. Try very hard not to let yourself be worn down, drained of anything but fear. Don't feel captured by the alleged "norm" of what a family is. Much of that held dark realities of violence and abuse that were supposed to be borne "with good grace".

Your life is precious. Your child's life is precious. Don't let either get drawn into the darkness of an alleged ideal when reality is muscling up to be a hellish nightmare.

ptumbi · 05/09/2016 07:34

You asked him for help - and he punched you.

So, you either leave him, or you brush it under the carpet (and then never mention him helping AT ALL EVER again. Win-win, for him!)

Throw him out - 4 years is nothing, and the next 4 years without him., but with your dc happy, healthy and safe, will be fantastic!

Mix56 · 05/09/2016 07:45

Sit down & think hard about it. Every time you ask for something, or have a fight you will be wondering if he is going to throw one at you. Even if he apologises eventually, you know now that he is capable of it. What happens if he loses it with the baby? or is drunk or exhausted & you exhaustedly ask him to pick up his shit, Does he lob a punch every time?
What if the punch on the arm had been on the chin?
Violence is simply not ever acceptable.
4 years is not a long time compared to the rest of your life

Call the police, Go to GP & tell them. It will be on record. call WA & get advice. call your Mum, call your sister, talk to people.
& most of all do not accept it when he says you pushed him too far, you were moaning, you were nagging. Bullshit, you were asking for help from your partner to care for his child. What was he doing? playing the console?

Morasssassafras · 05/09/2016 07:45

Morning op. How are you feeling this morning?

I imagine that you feel that your whole world has been turned upside down and part of you, possibly most of you, just wants it to go back to how it was before. Unfortunately it never can. No matter how much he says sorry, or buys you nice things, your life together will never be the same.

Whilst the violence was just a threat you could tell yourself he'd never actually do it. Now you know he will. It might not be for another few years because after yesterday you will modify your behaviour in all sorts of small ways to try to make sure it never happens again. It will though. It inevitably does because he feels entitled to hit you.

I do understand how you feel about throwing away all of those years but for your dc it is the only right thing to do. Otherwise your dc will have to watch and listen to a dysfunctional relationship which will set that as their normal so when they choose a partner they will likely either choose someone who abuses them or that they abuse. That's not what your parents wanted for you and I know it's not what you want for your dc. Get out now. Please.

Original poster
purplemonsta15 · 05/09/2016 11:09

I dont want to end it. He has had an extremily difficault life and is going through a bereavement atm. Im notsaying its an excuse but to show that its not as black and white as some may be making out.
I would like suggestions of how to approach this to fix it rather than throwing away

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 05/09/2016 11:12

Im notsaying its an excuse but to show that its not as black and white as some may be making out.

It is that black and white though. If he has hit you once he'll do it again. If he's hit you, he could do it to your baby.

If you're not ready to accept it now, please think about starting an emergency fund for if you do need to get out in the future.

TJEckleburg · 05/09/2016 11:13

Yes it is that black and white. And you cannot fix this. If you don't leave now that he has hit you, every time in the future that he is having a stressful time he will think it is aceptable to take out his frustrations on you by hitting you. It is not. This is not how normal people behave.

Lottapianos · 05/09/2016 11:16

If your arm is bruised and swollen, that must have been one hell of a punch. That's seriously dangerous behaviour OP.

So he's had a difficult life and is going through a bereavement. Is he going around punching anyone else because of this? The neighbours? His colleagues? His boss? His friends? Strangers in the street? Probably not. Just you.

I appreciate you are in shock and that a dreadful thing has just happened. I was in a violent relationship myself and I relate to how you're feeling. You want this all to go away and just go back to normal. But this is a man who has previously threatened you with violence and now has acted on it. He will act on it again. No-one on here is going to tell you how to continue living with a situation like that. This situation cannot be fixed.

You would not be 'throwing' anything away. You would be keeping yourself and your baby safe.

ImperialBlether · 05/09/2016 11:16

He seems to have skipped a couple of stages. I thought it was common to threaten first, then to hit and apologise, then to hit and blame the victim.

He's gone straight to the last stage, hasn't he?

And you're scared.

What kind of childhood do you think your child will have, OP, if they see their dad hurting their mum?

What would you do if your baby was five years old now and asked why your arm was bruised?

Please don't have another baby with this man. Things will get worse, not better.

MatildaOfTuscany · 05/09/2016 11:25

Goodmorning Purple. I just want to remind you that this isn't a one-off, and you know that, I think. He may have only hit you once (so far) but you said yourself he has threatened violence on a number of occasions. This isn't a single out-of-character moment of madness driven by his bereavement, this is a pattern of escalating behaviour.

I know you can't see it as black and white, I understand that, I watched my sister say "it's not black and white" for 20 bloody wasted years of her life, but please trust us when we say that viewed from outside it is absolutely crystal clear and black and white - he is abusive and he will hit you again.

The crucial thing is you need outside help - Women's Aid, your mum, your friends. (And reflect on this - if you really, really believe your own gloss on things, that it's a one-off moment of madness because of bereavement, you should feel no shame in saying exactly that to your mum or closest friend, and saying we as a couple need support. If you find yourself hesitating because you know they'll see it differently, then you actually know deep down that this isn't a one off moment of madness).

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 05/09/2016 11:38

The 24/7 National Domestic Violence Helpline (freephone) 0808 2000 247 is run in partnership between Refuge and Women’s Aid.
Why not speak to a helpline worker in confidence about this situation. They will not tell you what to do, but help you explore your options.
You say he has had problems in the past and currently but you are no-one's punchbag, don't make excuses for him. To echo what the other posters are saying, don't allow yourself to feel responsible for this in any way. You are not. He isn't contrite. He needs to face the responsibility so involving the police is the right thing imo but you definitely need outside support.

smilingeyes11 · 05/09/2016 11:43

it is black and white - what if that punch had been your head and it had killed you. Would a judge say oh never mind, he had a rough childhood. You are deluded if you excuse this behaviour. Many people had awful childhoods and don't go round thumping people.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 05/09/2016 12:42

What can he do to fix it, is the question you should be asking.

What is he doing about it? How has he apologised? Has he seen a doctor about his outburst? Signed up for therapy? Bought a book on anger management? What form of grovelling for forgiveness is he doing? Lots of jobs being done around the house? Flowers? Crying?