When your parents presence makes you feel horrendous - how did I get to this point?

[Itsnotmycoat]

My reaction to my parents is making me feel scared and so alone.

I will give a bit of background as it might help. I had an ok childhood (little sister was seen as the favourite as she had certain talents I didn't have, parents have apologised about their treatment towards me... I was pushed out a lot and left on my own when my parents devoted time to my sister's particular talent. They didn't apologise voluntarily, I mentioned it to them and then they gave some form of apology). There's other things that went on, that shock me to think back on, but I did feel loved by them even if I didn't always feel secure.

Anyway, I've always been described as difficult. The difficult one. Hard to bring up. Tricky. All these things. I'm 30 now and have settled into a good career, and have been on speaking terms with all my family (best relationship of the lot is with my sister, though we are not hugely close).

Over the last few years I began to question my parents treatment towards me. Not just as a child but as an adult. Examples - they will only meet for lunch if I drive to see them, or 80 percent of they journey. They never meet halfway. When I moved to a new city, to a new flat with 300(!!) stairs and no lift, they said they couldn't help me move that day because they had friends over for lunch (I couldn't alter the day as I was in a tenancy, and so I told them not to worry). The most recent thing was organising a holiday with my sister and her husband and not telling me until the last minute... When they asked if I could go obviously I had to say no, I couldn't get the afternoon off to drive down on the same day!!!! They didn't seem to see that it was hurtful they had arranged a holiday without me, and said they'd done it because they thought I wouldn't have wanted to go...

Anyway, most recent occasion two weeks ago was similar. They invited me to join them over bank holiday in their holiday home. It was 500 miles a away so they said we would all go in one car. 2 days before we leave they tell me they can no longer have me in the car as they are taking extra things to their house to finish furnishing it. This was the last straw for me. I had booked time off work, and didn't have much money so they knew the petrol for a 1000 mile round trip would be too expensive. I didn't argue with them, I just text and said I couldn't go and then blocked their numbers. I couldn't deal with any more emotional mind fucks. They eventually called on a withheld number a week later and I answered. Mum said she had been texting all week (which is what I knew they would do and make me feel guilty and so on).

Anuway... To get to the point. It's my sisters birthday on Saturday and I know they will want to organise things. But the week I blocked their numbers I was SO happy (it makes me feel sad to type that but it's true). I was very calm and I didn't even miss them... They make me feel incredibly anxious when I speak to either of them. It always feels like they are against me. I don't know what to do... Cutting them off seems drastic when they haven't done anything too bad but then I have felt so good without hearing from them.

While I'm asking for advice... Do any parents automatically not have their kids back? By that I mean would they be automatically dismissive of their child's story of a teacher being mean to them, for instance? And automatically assume it was the kids problem not the teachers? I ask because I notice my friends with kids always listen seriously to their kids but mine never seemed to... It was as if they were always suspicious of me! When I genuinely was a quiet and shy child.

Rant over. Feel so down tonight.

But, anyway, in the words of the great John Waters, by the age of 30 you can either decide to live with or forgive your parents for their failings in your childhood (and maybe get some therapy to work through it if you feel it necessary), or detach from them completely. It's emotionally healthier for you if you choose one or the other.

Bibbity, I think I am a bit immature around them. In relation to blocking their numbers, I didn't tell them o had done this, nor did I do it for attention, I just genuinely couldn't face more of their texts and calls pestering me and making me feel like shit after they had cancelled plans with me again at the last minute.

I understand what you're saying about the move. It was 200 miles away from my current home, and I moved for a new job so I didn't have anyone around to help. I did it on my own and I managed, I'm quite independent. Maybe I am wrong to expect them to cancel a lunch with friends to help me... Though I should add that they initially said they would, and arranged the lunch afterwards! But perhaps at 30 it's a case of that sort of thing not being their problem.

The holiday home lift... I agree with you. I suppose it was a favour that they would take me (I live more north than them so would have met at their house). The upsetting part was that they changed the plan two days before, rather than the fact that they couldn't have me in the car too.

It does sound petty and I can see where you are coming from. I don't think I'm dependent on them, but maybe I am... My head is a mess at the moment.

It sounds like you're struggling to trust your own feelings and your own judgement. That's totally normal when you have parents like this. Feeling like your head is in a mess is also very much to be expected.

Distance from them sounds like a good plan. And I cannot recommend professional support enough for helping to unravel what you're just starting to reflect on

Anyone is perfectly capable of moving on their own at 18. That's not the point.

Mum didn't help me because I was incapable.

I'm surprised that's the thing you've picked up on though, it certainly isn't normal to leave a child alone for up to 9 days at a time!

Itsnotmycat please get some counselling!!!

Okay you seem to have read Bibbty's post through your parents eyes and internalised it as: it's all my fault I'm being unreasonable.

It is not your fault.

It is not unreasonable to ask for help.

It is not unreasonable to expect arrangements to be honoured.

When I was 14 my line parent mother had to go into hospital. I had to go and stay with my aunt until she could come out. 14 even then (maybe 20 years before you were 14) was seen as too young to be on my own for an extended period. They were unreasonable!

My friends who are over 30 often get help from parents when they move, have children etc. Etc. That is how normal families work.

Trust your feelings, OP. Therapy, as has been suggested, can help profoundly.

Well if I promised to help a friend ( of whatever age ) move house and I knew they were replying on me, I wouldn't cancel because I decided to have lunch with another friend .

I don't see what age has to do with it

Sorry you feel so remote from your parents. A lot of people say friends are the family we choose. Do you have a lot of friends living locally to you if your parents are unsupportive and make you feel sad when you do have contact?

I do think counselling could help you with this relationship and decide how to go forward. An open discussion with them may help but I am guessing they are not the sort of people to do that? Do you have a better connection with one or the other? Maybe your sister could give you support.

My elder daughter also 30 lives 200 miles away from us and my younger DD is married and lives locally to us. I know my elder daughter sometimes feels left out but we do make the effort to go and visit her but she comes down here to see her old school friends too who she is very close to. We also holiday together if possible.

Physical distance can make relationships hard so maybe that does not help. Do you like living a long way away from the rest of your family?

"When I was 14, my parents used to take my sister to dancing shows and leave me in the house alone for up to 9 days at a time"

That is not right at all regardless of the year you were born in. Emotionally healthy people do not leave their children home alone for that long. I think that you were emotionally neglected. It is small wonder therefore you feel as you do; its normal for those now adults who have been raised by such uncaring people.

Spaghetti head is also normal after dealing with parents like yours as well. They can and have made you mistrust your own self here.

Do consider seeing a therapist to help you further unravel all of this as well.

It is not your fault.

It is not unreasonable to ask for help.

It is not unreasonable to expect arrangements to be honoured.

What mummytime wrote above is correct.

If anyone has been unreasonable throughout its your parents and look at their roles too in this overall dysfunction. One of them (probably your mother) is the main instigator whilst the other (your dad) is the weak bystander and her willing enabler.

Its not you, its them.

Regarding your sister's birthday, what effort do they make for your birthday? Would your sister normally organise something for you?

I wonder whether you are intense now (as you say) because you've learned you have to be passionate about something in order for it to register with them, and you then carried this on with other friendships afterwards. If you weren't listened to at home on a regular basis (which you clearly weren't) then maybe you learned that you had to exaggerate, to speak louder, to make it sound as though this really, really mattered, before anyone paid any attention at all.

Your the black sheep or the scapegoat in your family. It's not really about you and how you are but about a role you were assigned. The things you describe the anxiety etc all come with that kind of status and from being treated like you don't matter and as tho you are insane or demanding if you ask to matter.
Read some of the books suggested on this thread as well as the stately homes thread. See a counsellor if you can afford it. This kind of childhood leaves scars and issues.
It's fine to detach from people who make you feel bad. Even if they are family. Often these things can't be fixed - others are heavily invested in the status quo or just incapable of change. Once you detach and get a chance to heal your life will get better and more stable without continual emotional drubbings.
Avoid your sisters birthday by arranging something one on one with her if you like. Or just send something. Let it go. It's hurting you.

I know that until quite recently (I'm now 45) I always felt trapped in the same dynamic as when I was 14 when it came to interacting with my parents. To be honest I'm not sure what changed that. Might have been when my Dad died 5 years ago.

I spent my late teens and early 20s putting as much distance between me and my parents as I could, 2 of us kids moved abroad. We all left home as early as possible. I had minimum contact with them which was good, and worked for me, but was much easier to do from another country.

I loved them, and could always scold them as an adult when they were being unpleasant or rude directly, but it didn't stop that teenage vs adult dynamic. I suspect that is fairly common really.

I want to agree and say they just didn't parent well, but then it's like I'm blaming it all on them, and I can be quite an intense person.

That was how my DH was with his parents. And then he met me and my family, who all think he's wonderful. And had two children, with whom he has got a very good relationship. And finally, it was possible to say, and believe, 'Actually it's not me, it's you.' He is now NC with his family and much happier for it, though it was very hard at first.

Some fabulous advice here love, my heart goes out to you.

The holiday thing sounds familiar. My mum did similar. She moved house but didn't talk to me about the house or where she was going at all. Literally everyone else had all the details except me. Took her 10 days to let me know she'd moved and where she was etc.

When I asked her about it she said "well we were never that close"

I'm NC with her now, best thing ever.

If you feel freer and calm without her in your life, that's the way to go inn future. Leave them all to it. Keep the numbers bloked, let voicemail pick up the withheld numbers.

My mum called every week same time same day leaving breezy messages for a good couple of months. Not once did she acknowledge my lack of response.

She knew the score, but the good old deny, minimise trick, telling me I'm wrong, it's all in my head and not an issue to be silly over was how she dealt with it.

People like her can't face up to any kind of reality. If they realised just how awful they were, it would be the end of them. So you and I get chucked under the bus every time.

Only my friends get it. My family are all in the same fog.

Thank you everyone.

These stories are helpful. I do feel that the way my parents see me is very different to how others do. They have done so many lovely things for me, they're very generous people, but when I think back... They've never been generous with time or patience. I remember trying to talk to my mum when I was 14 and very unhappy at school, and the conversation was so pressured and horrible, because I knew there was a time limit on it. It's strange to feel this now because I would never treat my friends like that, let alone a 14 year old.

I feel sad because it's like I've lost the memory of who I thought they were a bit? Don't know if that even makes sense.

Probably most parents harm their children not because they intended to but because they were blind or didn't know any better. However, that hurts too. Your parents have been neglectful and abusive towards you even if they haven't locked you in the cellar or sexually abused you.

I've realised lately how neglectful my parents were of my well being. How little they saw me or tried to understand me. How psychologically abusive my father was and my mother too, maybe to a lesser extent.

I had enough of them both and for the time being I'm trying to detach myself from them. Their attitudes and behaviours towards me haven't helped me grow up and because of their damage, I've been stuck in the child role for too long.

The best advice I heard that truly helped me is to try to detach from them both physically and emotionally, just like that, without drama, without any more recriminations. Very rarely people change as they get older, if anything, they become more difficult and blinder than they were before.

Try to move on from the role of the child, it's just a role, nothing more. And try to give yourself all the good care and support that they failed to give you as a child or a young person, and that they still fail to give you today. Stop organising activities or holidays with them. Just visit or call once in a while. If you are physically far away, that's even easier.

It absolutely does make sense OP. Accepting that your parents are not who you thought they were is desperately painful