Will try to keep this brief!
Xh and I split up when ds was a year old, due to xh's drinking and abusive behaviour. Since then, however, I have always tried to facilitate as much contact as possible between ds and his father.
For the first few years this worked ok, with ds spending weekends at his dad's and them having a pretty good relationship. In hindsight however much of his stability was down to xh's then-girlfriend, who (thankfully) doted on ds as well.
That relationship broke up about 4 years ago and xh went off the rails, ending up in rehab for three months just before ds was due to start secondary school. Since then, xh has been much more erratic, although still keen to see ds. Since xh's rehab I have always been very clear with ds that it was his choice whether or not to see his dad. Ds has still spent fairly regular time with him but it has been less consistent, however ds never showed any signs of not wanting to see his dad when possible.
About two months ago it became very clear that xh was very bad again in terms of alcohol and substance abuse. I had to call an ambulance for him as he was threatening suicide. I stopped contact with ds immediately and talked to him about the fact that his dad was having problems again (obviously didn't tell him about the suicide threats etc).
Xh was then signed off work for six months and has returned to his country of origin to try to get clean with family support.
The issue is that ds has not wanted to contact his dad since he left the country. He's not been angry or upset, but has just refused any offers to talk to his dad, text him etc. In all honesty part of me is quite relieved, but it is really unlike ds and I am worried that he may regret not maintaining contact with his dad - who is a useless father in many ways but is not a bad person deep down.
My instinct is to leave it and let ds do what he wants. I've told him he can ask me for his dad's contact details anytime he wants. But is this the right thing to do? It's a very sudden break after years of pretty regular contact and I don't want ds to end up regretting it. I don't think he's hiding any upset from me but I can't be absolutely sure. I worry about him so much and regret al the crap he's been through over the years with me picking such a loser as his father.
It's ok to let ds make these choices now, isn't it? He's 13 btw.