Feel so numb

[justonemorecup]

Didn't know where to put this but I've put it in here for now. I've name changed, am a regular poster.

I just feel so down lately. I don't think I'm depressed; eating is fine, I have been doing all the usual things I need to do. Two dc so kept busy with them. Sleeping is a bit all over the place at the moment, I don't sleep very well with someone in the bed, very light sleeper. But I don't think it's due to sleep deprivation because I make up for it during the day somehow.

I just feel unhappy. My life is good. I'm a sahm, have everything material I could desire, no financial/health worries. Dh works hard and is a brilliant husband and father. I can't really find any major fault in him. I just constantly pick at him for small things, I am quick to anger, I am extremely sensitive. We've been through our fair shair of hard times, but that's all over with. I just feel... Flat. I don't feel any real emotion. Sometimes I wonder if I even love my dc, I'm just irritable and angry majority of the time. and when I'm not angry I feel numb sometimes.

Dh tries to get close to me, he cuddles, he backs down from pointless arguments that I initiate. He smiles and laughs off a lot of shit I hand out. I see it. I see how I'm behaving but I just can't shake it off. I don't know what to do.

I don't know why I've written this post or what I except. I just feel empty inside,

From experience with depression and working in the field for several years there are a few signs that point in that direction. Best thing get appointment with GP and have a chat and go from there.

We were just driving home and I said I don't know if we should be together anymore. After an hour long conversation , he's gone to sleep on the sofa. He said if I don't want to be with him
And he makes me that unhappy then I shouldn't be with him. He said he's not going to let me ruin his life with my uncertainty and doubts.

I don't think I love anyone though. I hate so many people but I don't think I love anyone except for one sibling who I'm extremely close to. I just don't feel any love in my heart. I just feel immense irritation. I'm so fucked up.

What makes you think you are not depressed? Everything in your post suggests that. Have you thought about saying what you've said here to your GP? There's no shame in it and you donn't have to have an explanation or 'something' to be depressed about. You need to allow yourself to ask for help. What would you say to a friend if they confided these things to you?

Not fucked up OP just struggling with your feelings xx

I don't want to have anti depressants or anything like that. I'm really scared of talking to a Gp about it because I know that's what she'll say.

You don't need to necessarily go on antidepressants . There is counselling that could help you get to the root of your problems as to why you are feeling like this. Antidepressants helped for me and I am now at the point where I feel that I could try and not take them. Sometimes you need that to correct the imbalance

Another one here saying the same thing. The words you are using, numb, empty, irritable etc jumped out at me, as did your talking of a lack of emotion. These are symptoms of depression. I'm no medic but suffer from depression and have done for years on and off so have read a great deal about it.

A GP can't make you take ADs if you don't want to - they will probably suggest you get CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) or Mindfulness (which is flavour of the month just now) and put you on a waiting list unless you can afford to go private. These methods work for some people and not others, but definitely worth a try.

Can I ask why you are opposed to medication - I know a lot of people are as they feel ashamed that they need them, or are you afraid of side effects. One of the worst things about mental ill health is the stigma attached to it and this troubles a lot of people, making it so much worse for those of us who suffer.

Many people are helped by medication and the side effects usually settle in a few weeks. If you don't get help now, you are likely to get worse, so please see your GP. Write down a list of your symptoms and hand it over or use it as an aide memoir. Many people burst into tears when they finally see a GP but that doesn't matter, they've seen it all before. Approx one third of all GP consultations are related to mental health.

I have lots of family issues which could be contributing to all this.

I've had a lot of anger from a young age and I still struggle with it.

I know about the harmful effects of medication (my educational background, don't want to out myself), I would never even consider it as a solution.

I've had counselling to deal with previous issues. It helped while it lasted.

Thank you to those who replied to me so late last night. I feel better this morning. Things always seem worse at night. Dh has taken the Dc to his parents because we have a wedding to attend.

Glad to read that you're feeling a bit better
Could your feelings be hormonal? Just an idea.