Don't feel the kids will be properly looked after if we split

[Asahai]

I had my eyes opened a year & half ago that husband has been lying, gaslighting & manipulating me. So many lies - minor & major, he ran up huge debt that he hid, hidden porn addiction, constantly making me feel I was the cause of every problem. He is mr charisma & everyone loves him so I felt I was going crazy by how he treated me in private. We've tried to fix things by individual counselling & massive changes in our lives but I don't trust him or even respect him anymore. Still sharing house as flatmates - have young kids - one with ASD with lots of challenging behaviour. I really think for my own sanity & life I'd be better if he was out.
But my main reason for not going through with it is fear of handing over kids to him alone for half the time.
He is irresponsible to the point of putting them in danger at times. I have to check the car seats before each journey as he often doesn't bother doing the isofix. I was sick recently & he took DS to appointment..he also had 2 year old DD with them who fell asleep in car & he left her in car park while he took ds into building he had to go up 2 floors in lift. He was gone at least 15 minutes - said he got caught talking to OT- but probably more as that would be him minimising it. (I only know because ds told me she was in car). Other silly stuff like not washing hands after touching raw meat, leaving dangerous tools lying about, stopping to talk to someone & never glancing around to check on kids safety - it nearly became an accident years ago when ds nearly ended up toddling into the waves when he was little only someone else got him & daddy still chatting in the far away car park - but it never changed after that. I could list on & on & some of it sounds petty but I genuinely feel so worried when he's alone with them (which is quite rare).
He loves them dearly & they adore him. But he gets so distracted. He's an intelligent guy but it just feels he is so stupid at times. Or maybe so selfish.
I can't imagine handing them over for long periods of time.
Really really don't know what to do.

I had similar worries when I split with my exH. DS was 4 with ASD and exH seemed hopelessly unable to act safely. I went upstairs one day when exH was supposed to be bathing DS to find DS alone in the bath and exH playing a computer game on the PC in a different room . Luckily DS has survived so far but it took me years to relax. I can't pretend I have any great advice for you but I didn't want to read and run. Maybe you'll be able to use a contact centre? Hopefully someone will come along with a practical suggestion soon so you can get him out

Thanks DownTown.
Do you think he wised up any when he had full responsibility?
What's a contact centre?

If you go through court for access then a contact centre may be suggested as a way for court to decide how much of a relationship he has with the dc and how much contact he gets and if it should be supervised at the centre for a period of time or not. If you have concerns please voice them as loudly as you can. Courts are reckless with other people's kids I must warn you.

Thanks I never knew that. I thought the supervision visits would just be in cases of abuse. Good to know.

I had similar concerns and it was a major factor in staying. I dont know if there is a satisfactory solution tbh

At times I think if I hold on until they are older & can look after themselves better it'll be safer Bombadier...but can just see my own life & happiness slipping away even further - this limbo is hard. Were you able to work things through to be able to stay? Not sure I can stomach joint counselling with him - visions of him charming the counsellor & them agreeing it is in fact all my fault!

Is he really genuinely going to have them 50% of the time? I ask because in my experience very few useless husbands go on to have much time at all with their DC.

I've seen these patterns: 1) they step up and find a their own good way to parent, after an initial period of teething trouble; 2) they never get close to 50% and do hardly any overnights at all; 3) the new girlfriend looks after the DC when they visit.

How close to 50% solo childcare does he do now?

I know! its rubbish. things werent so bad eg no debt, mostly it was just a poor relationship, the kind you wouldnt stay in without kids. but now the kids are older, and have had a lifetime of independent decision making training from me, I could leave but it doesnt seem worth bothering. so I guess I am either ground down or things are not so bad. sorry, I am not much use to you! just empathise anyway, if it helps. I think its hard for people to understand if their partner is not reckless. mine is worse if he feels it upsets me - like a naughty kid. sad!

Luckily he only has 2 overnights a week. He never saw his actions as unsafe to start with so not sure weather he wised up or weather DS survived by accident! I went to see the flat he was moving into to check there were no safety issues but that was as much as I could do (that and hope he actually planned to get his mother yo look after DS most of the time!). DS is older now and I don't worry about it half so much.

This is difficult because - with the exception of leaving the 2 year old in the car, which lots of people do but which is dangerous - those things sound like careless/forgetful parenting, not neglectful or abusive parenting. He would get contact and not supervised either, even if you brought those things up in family court. You may have to try make your peace with the fact that you can't be checking up them 24 hours a day.

That's exactly it, Trifle. Careless and sloppy but nothing so bad you can bring it up in court or anything.

Bomdardier that makes me feel