Another charmer

[spangleknickers]

Hello Mumsnetters...I am new on here but I have been reading some posts and they have cheered me up no end because of the supportive and intelligent nature of the responses. I am at my absolute wits end. Been with my partner (alas - not married) 13 years and living together all this time. I have had three children with him and had 2 from my first marriage. When we met I was in debt and a penniless single mother, but really happy just existing with my DCs. This is going to sound really weak, but he basically badgered and bullied and emotionally manipulated me into letting him move in and then have two children, that I didn't particularly want to have, and a further baby who was a 'surprise'. He was signed off work with a £600k pay off as he was diagnosed with MS but has since been very healthy, even strapping. He has not worked since but bought us a house to live in and invested his money in property and now owns three additional houses. I have worked continuously, and until last year paid all the household bills whilst he feathered his property portfolio. He has always been financially abusive and as tight as can be. He doesn't help at all around the house and is constantly present, following me around the place. He has wrongly accused me of having an affair and also sent me to counselors as I am 'mad, like all the other women in my family'. I desperately want to leave but a) he emotionally blackmails with the MS and b) has tons of money while I have none - oh and he tells me he will keep the kids with him because I am an unfit mother, an alcoholic and bonkers. Am I? I am wondering if I am...He is a very convincing and conniving individual and I am worried that everyone will think I am terrible for splitting with him and I will lose my kids and a place to live, but I can't go on like this as I am so desperately unhappy and about to hit menopause, so really don't want to go through that with him about. Yours guiltily...

Well, there's a lot going on there but basically he is abusive, controlling and awful and you have every reason to leave. You do know loads of men wheel out the "unfit mother" and "I'll take the kids" line - it's done to control you and frighten you. It's very unlikely you will lose them, and I can't see how he'd make a valid case for being their main carer when he is off work with MS (even if he does appear healthy) if that's his diagnosis.

You may have a case for coercive control (a new domestic abuse offence, if he's controlling your life/finances/making you go to MH appointments etc). It's worth discussing that with the police on a non-emergency line, and also talking to women's aid, a solicitor if you can find one who offers a free initial consultation, and of course looking at all the benefits you can claim as a single parent. Also, keep a (well-hidden) record of all his abusive behaviours, and gather any evidence you can of his wealth.

Look at everything he's done to you. Do you think he's feeling guilty? Because he should, and you shouldn't.

You've done happy and penniless before, you can do it again.

Also you're right, there will be lots of support and wise advice on MN so keep posting.

What a horrible man. I suggest you see a solicitor and contact women's aid.

When he moved in with you, was it a rented property?

As you aren't married, he won't have to give you spousal support but will have to pay child support for his three children with you.

Do your other children still see their father? I was wondering if he could be of some support in getting away from your partner.

Due to his abusiveness, you need a plan to get away and then just do it without allowing him the opportunity to talk you round or blackmail you.

Do you have any family that are of support?

Thank you so much for responding. My family are incredibly supportive but encourage me to wait until the time is right (!). My two other children don't see their father as he lives thousands of miles away, and although I have a friendly relationship with him now, he nearly bankrupted me by taking me to court and accusing me of kidnap! After a year of wrangling the British courts threw it out. I don't know how these guys live with themselves by deliberately crippling the mother of their children financially in the name of insecurity or point-scoring. When he moved in the property was mine for a peppercorn rent as it belonged to my Mother. A year later he bought our house and there is no mortgage and I was wise enough to put my name on the deeds as joint owner so I know I cannot make him leave, but would probably be entitled to something if - no - when we split. I will get in touch with Women's Aid for some advice and thank you for showing sympathy