Is it ever a good idea to challenge a 'difficult' mother?

[EssexInnit]

Just that really. I have had the lightbulb moment that my Mum is (albeit low level) narc and my 'lovely' Dad is enabler.

There's so much I want to say to them both, but is there any point? Should I just be happy I've realised and work on healing myself and go low contact?

I'm trying because my mother is a very low level 'narc'. She identifies with being a very nice person. She genuinely believes that if I disagree I'm being awkward etc... so it's not coming out of badness

DamnGood My god that is exactly my mother!

Last time I challenged my DM was when she said she never smacked/hit me, I told her otherwise, she got all huffy but never apologised. Then about a couple weeks after I can't remember what we were talking about but she dropped into the conversation rather sarcastically that it was funny out all her children I was the only one who remembered being smacked (because she never smacked the others because they never 'back chatted' her). Her throwing it right back in my face and basically calling me a liar hurt so much that right now I don't think I'd be strong enough to challenge her again.

Sorry Essex I wish I had a positive story but I'd say unless your prepared for the denial and sulking etc I'd just go low contact.

EssexInnit

I would be low contact if not no contact with such people. You also need to keep them away from your children if you are a parent. They never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions. Challenging her will likely bring on her own narcissistic rage.

It is not possible to have any sort of a relationship with a narcissist and such women always but always need a willing enabler to help them. Your dad cannot be at all relied upon either. I would not let him off the hook, he has also failed you as a parent here by failing to protect you from his wife's excesses of behaviours. In a straight fight he would choose her over you, he is really her hatchet man here and he has sacrificed your well being at her alter. Such weak men often need someone to idolise.

People often describe narcissists as toddlers; however toddlers grow up. Narcissists tend to be stuck emotionally at around the age of six.
Having a narcissist for a mother is a lot like living under the supervision of a six-year-old. Narcissists are always pretending, and with a narcissistic mother it's a lot like, "Let's play house. I'll pretend to be the mother and you pretend to be the baby," though, as the baby, you'll be expected to act like a doll (keep smiling, no matter what) and you'll be treated like a doll -- as an inanimate object, as a toy to be manipulated, dressed and undressed, walked around and have words put in your mouth; something that can be broken but not hurt, something that will be dropped and forgotten when something more interesting comes along.

Do read the website entitled Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers.

Likely she'll just deny her behaviour and say you're making it up, or imagined it and that you're a liar.

Been there, pointless exercise, that will only infuriate you because you know you didn't make this stuff up.

Write a 'no send letter', as pp suggested. Even better than burning it, get some fireworks, attach letter to one with a rubber band, then shoot it off far into the sky.

Sounds exactly like my mother! like both of my parents. They re-write our childhood. And even when my brother and I agreed on something, we were told that one had given the other the memory. But he is the golden child. He recently told them they did a good job parenting us! Well, neither of us is on drugs or in prison, but ........ I beg to differ.

She tells me I was disobedient from the age of 18 months old. What?! I was a pathetic approval-seeking people-pleaser who never had the courage to go and do something if my mother had poured cold water on it!

I am reading a book called ''nice girl syndrome'' atm. My mother made me in to this creature and yet she would sneer at that.

thatwouldbeanec I think Part of the problem is that my mum has led a very mainstream conventional life and she has never been the odd one out, the single one, the unmarried mother, the unemployed one, the poor one, the fat one, the overlooked one. She tends not to identify with anything that is outside of the norm.

The other problem is that there's been no 'growth' along the way. NONE. No epiphanies. No pain that caused a new outlook. No work done on herself. No introspection. Nothing.

I knew from a young age that if I was going to win any small battle with her (over clothes, subject choices) i had to have the balls to see it through to the end and watch it escalate and still probably have to back down.

We don't fight all the time btw. Just when I annoy them, by not being grateful enough or by not taking their advice or when I won't let her tell me how I feel.

Both my parents will tell me my perception of something is wrong. Like I was saying what some older people they know had done and said to me and they told me I was wrong, I was paranoid, I was sensitive. On and on and on. Anything except believe my account.

When I went to therapy I expected to talk about my mum. I was surprised to find myself spending the first few months talking about my dad, who I idolized, 'Why does he let her do that?'

You have to think about what your relationship is with both parents as they are both the problem.

Whatever is going on with your mum is likely to be just part of the complex dynamics in the family, including going back to her parents, grandparents etc etc.

A good starting point might be to try to get her to open up a bit about her past. That certainly helped me and made me take a lot of what had gone on less personally. Ultimately, though, if your mum is protecting some aspect of her identity by projecting it on to you she'll be unlikely to let that go very easily, so try to be prepared for that.

And narcissists never apologise. I think it's part of their deeply entrenched coping strategy to not take responsibility for anything that goes wrong, and amazingly it works for them in many contexts - or seems to work.

icouldabeen it was more his inability to think critically anymore. He quite clearly bought her 'I'm the victim' story without question, even went as far as to rebuke me for trouble making and upsetting her.
He used to challenge her but these days if she says the sky is green he'll believe it, he is completely under her thumb.

It's the emperor's new clothes, isn't it? Those who are in the firing line would much rather we ALL agreed that the sky was green, for the sake of a bit of peace.

Thank you all. I really appreciate your replies.

The 'rules have changed' thing is what's happening at the moment I think and I think she's noticed a shift In my behaviour in the last few months. There has been a moment recently where I've full-on challenged a snide comment she made and she was full of 'I'm sorry you get so upset about things'. I said I wasn't upset I was confused as to why she'd said it. This is probably the least emotional response I've ever given! Usually I'd be questioning myself as to why I was rocking the boat and apologising for being over sensitive. I also copied my father in to the email trail so she couldn't lie or accuse me of having a vivid imagination. (It's all so textbook the phrases she uses!).

My Mum seems to resent my happiness (I'm getting married next year for the first time). She seems to be jealous of me which I find so upsetting as I want her to love me. I don't think she can though.

I've also realised my Dad will always choose the path of least resistance and has never stood up for me or my siblings. Why did I ever idolise him?

I have two beautiful children of my own and the thought of not feeling that visceral warmth when I see them happy is so alien to me.

Yes and no.

Yes, you should be assertive and have some pre-rehearsed lines for some of the worst comments.

But it would be very difficult to try to discuss/challenge her patterns of behaviour. She would likely deflect, put down, go into hysterics etc. It would therefore probably be best to disengage where possible.

I tried it a few times over the years and was just met with "well, if that's how you feelike there is nothing I can do about it." *blank stare.
Gave up in the end, you cannot win an argument or try and make a Narc see your side of any story or how their actions make you feel.
I pulled away completely,and now she doesn't have control over me she has called anyone who will listen to tell them how horrible i am.
It is like banging your head against a wall OP, it really is. It has cost me a lot not going NC earlier.
Much happier these days now she is at arms length.