Husband not being truthful about where he is

[Lesley1980]

6 years ago my husband mentored 3 work colleagues whilst they sat a post graduate. It was arranged through work & 3 women were randomly selected. Two got on with things & the third needed a lot of support & called him at home, emailed essays for him to check & he stayed on to help her. She left every essay/coursework until the last minute & OH would stay on until 9/10 helping her as she was always stressed. She would then email him her work & he would spend the weekend correcting & rewriting her work. She would text about the course & also general chat. I wasn't suspicious but she annoyed me & I told my husband it had to stop. If she can't do the work he shouldn't be doing it for her. OH made excuses saying she was out of uni a long time & needed help etc. The course finished & she still contacted him & asked to meet up to say thanks but I don't think they did. After the qualification she left for a promotion in another company.

Tonight my husband is meeting up with this woman & another one he mentored but he hasnt told me. He told me he has a works night out & the venue but when I asked him who was going he said he wasn't sure. On Saturday he is going for an activity day with his team & I've discovered this woman is going to that too. I'm friends with his work colleague who knows them all & dropped him in it as she was supposed to go for drink tonight but has the kids.

I don't think he cheated on me when he was mentoring her but I did feel like she was crossing the line on a few occasions & taking over his spare time.

What do you think is going on? It feels uncomfortable. He is a liar & he has done it quite easily. If it's innocent why lie? However I genuinely don't think they have seen each other for a couple of years & they wouldn't have invited my friend if it were some affair.

The woman is late 40s, married with kids in early 20s.

I'd trust your gut instinct. It's never been wrong for me

At best his behaviour was extremely unprofessional: submitting (partly) someone else's work / doing someone else's work for them is an academic and employment disciplinary matter.

Agree with PPs that he's a liar: not surprising you don't trust him.

How was AF rude? He has lied and saying you never asked him specifically is a load of crap.

Op would not think too ask about that one particular women after a few years of her being off the scene.

It's OK, Irelephant (great name, btw), Nina has a bit of an issue with me. I suspect she thinks I'm a bit rough or not ladylike enough or summat

Not anything in it that I can see. Except standard male tactic for avoiding confrontation. Which has landed him in the shit for lying. He knows you don't like this woman and would definitely have had something to say. It was a work thing - genuinely with others from work- not a secret twosome assignation. You have the right to be hacked off about the lying but don't let your imagination get carried away.

I absolutely do NOT have any issue with you Anyfucker and have never commented on any of your posts before, so I'd be interested how you evidence your comment. In fact a while ago some one posted about you, complaining in quite insulting terms about your posts both in terms of your language and content, and I immediately (and many others I'm sure) reported it and it was quickly deleted. You are making a fairly massive assumption about me thinking you aren't ladylike (if only you knew me...............)

Irelephant I just reacted to Anyfucker ending her post last night with "fuck that shit" - it was nothing to do with the OP's post.

I swear myself more than is good for me but somehow those words just grated on me.

Sorry OP to hi-jack your thread.

Nina, you absolutely have picked up on my contributions before. I could understand this time if I was addressing you directly, but I was not

If you made the effort to read my post properly (because let's face it, it's not going to take too much of your time) you would see I said pretty much what you said. But much more succinctly.

If you have stuck up for me before that's great, but I don't need anyone to do that. I stand by every post I make and will apologise if I step out of line.

Re-asserting what you've already said is not providing evidence. As you have such a clear memory of my "picking up on your contributions" maybe you could enlighten me. I don't doubt we posted similarly and like you I stand by my posts and will apologise if I step out of line, which I have of course from time to time over many years on MN. My beef is being accused of something that I haven't done, which is why I am asking you to evidence your allegations.

Anyway....my red bunting is fluttering, I agree with trusting your instincts, he sounds like a bit of a git.

Not managed to talk to him again because he was at his day out & im at my parents for a birthday party.

In general he does avoid confrontation so yeah I agree this could be a tactic but not saying is the same as a lie in my book. Normally when I say who is going he will say a few names I know. He is such a rotten liar even my mum picked up something wasn't right when she asked him about the night out & asked me about it today. She knows about this woman & thought at best she was after him & at worse having an affair.

He never knew I thought this other woman was a threat & over stepping boundaries . I told my friends about her & my suspicions but with him I only complained about her being so useless at her course & taking up his time. My friend that works with him shared an office with him until last February & I think she would surely have told me something was up.

I'm going to have it out properly when I'm back tomorrow. I don't really want to get into snooping into phones & stuff but I guess I could. Although all he has to do is delete stuff.

I've also face timed him so he is home.

And he does love attention. He does the garden for the old lady next door & he loves the attention from that. When people praise him at work he comes home telling me all about it all chuffed. He probably did like the attention from her.... Even if the attention then meant he spent 2 days on the lap top correcting her work!!

Be bold and tell him you don't like this woman because she expected him to spend way too much time on her agenda and constantly calling/texting, it was inappropriate. The way she behaved was disrespectful to you, his wife, and she knows it I'm sure.

Tell him to put you and your strong feeling about it above this other woman's desire to have a get together and not go and have nothing else to do with her. And his lying? That is unacceptable too.

I'd say, who is the priority here, me or her? I'd get in his face if necessary. You know what, love is feeling secure enough to stand up and say what you think. Don't be afraid. BOLD.

listen too your gut. You know him better than anyone.

My friend that works with him shared an office with him until last February & I think she would surely have told me something was up

don't be so naive and gullible.

no man goes to those kind of lengths and gives that much attention to another woman unless he's got his eyes on her. there's a guy in my workplace who does this, singles out one girl from each training group and starts flirting/sleeping with her - he has a longterm gf he allegedly loves and is 'very happy' with. he uses the excuse of 'training days/work events' to spend time with them. On the surface it all looks innocent cos they're in 'public'...until the activities start and they buddy up. he does this blatantly and no one - not even the managers - say a word. they know his gf too but nobody tells her. it's been going on for at least 3 years since he's been here.

he gets away with it cos nobody speaks up....and who wants to be known as a 'grass' and be persona non grata in the office, especially when they have their own shit they want kept hidden?

sounds like your h is up to the same. enjoying his 'secret' flings using the guise of 'work'.

There is one word that leapt out of me in your first post OP

Random

Who told, or why did you use it?

If he wanted to have an affair he would always manage to find the time, always.

Spot on with this.

I'm not saying your husband is doing anything, but it's not unheard of for affair partners to take a days annual leave and meet up.

I agree with you OP that not telling you this woman was going on the night out was a "sin of ommission" and then to say he didn't tell you because you didn't ask is pathetic. And your mom picked up something when she asked him about his night out and already knows about the women - is that because you've talked to her about your concerns or is she just very intuitive.
You say your OH didn't know about your suspicions about this woman but surely he must have done, otherwise he would have told you she was going on the night out, and when challenged said he didn't tell you because you would have gone on about it. When men keep secrets like this there is a reason and it's always the same - they have something to hide.
I'm not one usually to jump to conclusions because we only know what we read in a few lines of text, but I honestly think there is something going on between your OH and this woman, quite what I don't know, but I'd put money on it that she is more than just a friend.

I'm a bit confused about the timeline - you say all this mentoring was 6 years ago and she hasn't been mentioned in your household for years, so is this the first time in years that you found out she was going on the night out and the team day, and I think you said that was only because your friend told you.

I know you're trying to believe him and it could all be innocent but you do seem a touch too trusting - the issue about friend would have told you if anything was going on, but emotional affairs are conducted by e mail/text/mobile phone/whats app and if he is contacting her on a regular basis he's not going to be phoning her where he can be overheard or letting people see his e mails/texts.

Maybe you could ask to see his e mails/texts and itemised mobile phone bill (which he can't delete) and if he has nothing to hide he shouldn't mind you seeing them. His reaction will be a good way of gauging what might (or might not) be going on.

I used the word random just to show that out of a pool of trainees the managers picked him 3 to mentor. He volunteered to be a mentor when the program started but it's managers that decide who is getting who. One of the girls he had never met before & had to be introduced.

My mum just picked up on how he was speaking. Some details were vague & then he went on describing his sandwich in huge detail. She knows about the woman from years ago but I didn't mention he was with her Friday.

I read his text this morning whilst he was in the shower & it was one from her congratulating us on birth last year, confirming night out times & then saying fun catching up, see you in December. The ones with the night out info & December also included the number of the other woman so not a single text to my OH. I don't know how the night out was initially arranged as there is no initial want to meet? When are you available etc?

I talked to him again about it & again he said I didn't specifically asked but I did ask if I knew anyone going & he said people from two areas when he could have given their names. He said going out with people isn't unreasonable & I agreed & said the issue is you weren't honest. Even when mum asked who you were out with you were vague. Told me I'm being ridiculous & wouldn't continue. Felt I had ran out of argument.

I don't know how the night out was initially arranged as there is no initial want to meet? When are you available etc?

Even before you said that, it was likely that they were having conversations in private (probably using another app, like Snapchat or WhatsApp, but possibly on a different number). That just confirms it.

Told me I'm being ridiculous & wouldn't continue. Felt I had ran out of argument.

Course he wouldn't. His attempts to lie so far have gone badly and there are no negative consequences so far of him just refusing to engage, so he'll revert to that and say the minimum possible, in the hope that it means you'll never feel confident enough with the evidence you have to actually do anything.

All the evidence that you need, really, is that he is lying to you about who he is with, he's sketchy as hell when you mention it to him, and he's having secret comms with another woman. Do you really need anything else?

(You're probably going to say yes to this, because women tend to. It sucks. True, though. We tend to need cast-iron evidence before we'll walk away, we struggle on for years in unhappy marriages, we forgive all kinds of unacceptable behaviour. Men don't, as a rule. If they are unhappy, they look elsewhere. It much be an ingrained confidence thing, I guess, but it's sad)

You are right. I have never met a man that has tried to work things out or stay because of the kids or anything else that puts someone else's needs behind his own. Men are supported in the dump the cheat & women are held responsible for the guy straying & supported & encouraged to work through it.

Something has gone on at some point.

Well I was taken in by your OH till I read anchors post and she's almost certainly right. I don't really get it though - you read a recent text congratulations on birth of your baby last year why would that be a recent text?

I don't know about whats app or snapchat (thought that was when folk look like they've dressed up as cows or sheep or something daft) but I'm very limited with IT. Can you talk of whats app/send texts? Would there be any way of getting itemised bills.

On the face of it maybe it is a friendship and "see you in Dec" might mean they are meeting up for Christmas which is what a lot of people do. But you are still edgy about it OP and I think you must trust your intuition.

Thing is for those of us that have been in this position it's easy to be suspicious but this doesn't mean there IS anything going on, but on the other hand we've heard all the comments about being "ridiculous" - I was told I had a "jealous mind" and the e mails were of "no consequence" until I finally saw them and nothing was further from the truth. It's sad but true that men (and women I'm sure) will lie and deny. I found out the truth by insisting I saw an itemised mobile phone bill (they can't be tampered with) and it was horrendous - daily contact, and that was besides the e mails. My DP (together 45 years!) is full of remorse and will do anything to save the r/ship. It's been horrendous, but I don't think I can contemplate a life without him after all this time

Look I don't know and neither does anyone else. I still think it would be a good idea to ask to see his itemised mobile phone bill, but maybe you just feel you want to watch and wait.

I don't know about whats app or snapchat (thought that was when folk look like they've dressed up as cows or sheep or something daft) but I'm very limited with IT. Can you talk of whats app/send texts? Would there be any way of getting itemised bills.

WhatsApp is a texting app, mostly, although you can make calls on it too. It uses the internet and is encrypted, so unless you can get hold of the actual phone, there's no trace of it - it doesn't show up on phone bills. You can wipe either individual messages or whole conversations without a trace.

Snapchat is the app where you can dress like cows/sheep/etc, but you can also send written messages, and they disappear after a max of 30 seconds. Again it doesn't show on the phone or phonebill, so it's really subtle.

There's more, like Viber, but WhatsApp and Snapchat are more common!

I'm sorry your DP lied too, and I hope he's doing all he can to repair the damage he caused.

Lesley I hope things are going okay for you, too.