How do I ever move past this/get over it ?

[Hedgehog80]

I'm struggling tonight :(

In 2000 when I was 18 I was forced in traumatic circumstance to have a second trimester termination. It's never left me despite extensive counselling. Lately I've been feeling like I'm that scared, sick, terrified and lonely 18 year old again. I have flashbacks and this time of year is horrific for me.

Dsis is pregnant and we don't get in at all. Dm keeps having a go at me saying poor dais is feeling ill and lonely why won't I help/be supportive. I got upset and said who was there for me when I was 18 and terrified and forced to get rid of a much wanted and loved baby. It haunts me to this day. She said "never talk about it it's in the past" and then shouted me down to tell me I didn't actually feel as bad as I do. Dsis has the same attitude and nobody will let me have valid feelings. It was my baby and I loved it and was heartbroken.

I'm feeling really lost tonight. I was never allowed to talk about it at the time, I was virtually kept a prisoner Windows locked and phone charger taken so couldn't contact anyone and brainwashed into it.

I feel so sad , why will they not allow me to feel what I really feel and allow me to be angry when dsis is treated differently. It hurt when everyone was cooing over her scan yet with mine dm scowled and said "ugh it looks like somethings wrong with it"

I'm still heartbroken after all this time and it's all come out tonight. I can't talk to dh as he's not well so I'm here as nobody else in rl who I can speak with right now

It's like there's this part of me that's forever that scared and heartbroken 18 year old and it emerges when I feel threatened or that my pain is not recognised or at this time of year and sometimes it's just that I'm heartbroken and other times angry and often immature, I just can't control it and if I let my mind go back there I worry I will have a total breakdown but it's fighting to come out

I completely get where you're coming from. You are clearly not an unkind person and I think you want to move on with your mother and sister in your life, but that would mean that they accept blame and apologise, I don't think they at this point that are capable of accepting blame or apologising.

I wonder if you could write them a letter? Or arrange a meeting with your dh present and get it completely off your chest calmly and concisely but ask them not to retaliate or respond but to think about what you've said and then get together a few days later?

I think part of our healing is the you say exactly what you need to say to them, without them turning it round or playing the victim.

I don't know if this is possible but I do know you deserve a good and peaceful life.

This is so sad. They have zero emotional intelligence. If they acknowledged what you've been through, heard you out, validated your feelings, then maybe you could 'just deal with it' but they keep it there forever by refusing to hear you. Lesser 'offences' but my parents do this to and I recycle the same grievances over and over because they won't hear me.

I would stop replying to them stop contacting them (like NC but less noticeable, more gradual maybe) and tell them that you can't be in their lives until they hear you out and respect your feelings. In front of mediation/joint counselling if necessary.

OP,that's one of the worst things I have read here. Your mother sounds absolutely vile and your sister is not far off. Consider reducing or cutting off contact for your own sanity.
Your mother has as much control as you let her,she can't make you to be in touch.
Glad to hear you have your wonderful DC and supportive DH.

Sometimes I really really think things can't get worse. I woke feeling a little bit better and then I got the most horrible leaflet through my door. It's awful and couldn't have come at a worse time :(

It's from the society of protection of unborn children :( it's all about abortion. My youngest dc came and gave it to me :( it's really upset me why are they allowed to out this stuff through people's doors ? ?

Man, that's the worst timing. You need to ignore the leaflet. Move it away and move on.

I so think you need to vocalise to your mum and ask for an apology and a genuine reason from her or an admittance of regret.

If you can't get this, I think you have to disconnect from her.

Think about what will really help you move on and what will keep you stuck in this sad place

I tried to speak to dm. Too see if I could get the recognition of my feelings from her that I feel I need.

She told me in. I uncertain terms that a) she will not speak about it ever and b) Iam to stop mentioning it and especially never mention it or get upset around dsis as it is not fair on her to have to think that at the same stage she is I had 'that' done

So, I feel now like I have an answer do I have to deal with it completely by myself. Dh has been wonderful and I have my counsellor and she is a great help but coming to terms with the fact my feelings are never going to be recognised by others is difficult.
I'm also trying to tell myself I can get through this time of year. I'm trying to stay busy it it's hard. My mind wanders off :(

Really good advice from mine and others too. I agree that no contact or very little with your mother and sister would be best. Painful as it is, they don't love you as they should or want the best for you. I also think that you should seek out a specialist counsellor who can help with loss of a child in this way - don't know if Sands is quite the right organisation but maybe they could recommend someone?

I did contact SANDS and was referred to a counsellor but after a phone consultation i found her to be too brusque and I didn't feel I would be able to talk to her. I also felt immensely guilty (probably from years of being told y feelings were not valid and that my baby was just a few cells etc) and I believed I was taking peculiar counselling away fro someone who may have lost a baby in other circumstances
The counsellor I see is very helpful I feel she understands and she has specialist experience in women's services so I feel she is going to help me more.

It's just at time like this it all feels so tangled and I feel full of emotion and sadness. I try to busy myself and the dcs are a wonderful distraction and they keep me very busy-my diary is always full, there are always jobs to do and things to organise but always in the back of my mind is this anguish about my lost baby and the deep aching sadness because my own mum and sister don't care about me

I keep telling myself there must be a way through this. I can't see it at the moment but maybe with counselling? Guidance? I probably don't have the right thought process due to years of being conditioned a certain way

Specialist not peculiar

Sorry for my ramblings. I just sometimes needs get this all out to somehow work through how I feel and what I think and what it all means

You don't have to hate your mother and sister, but you can totally reject their behaviour at the time and since. I can see you don't want to go n c, but how much value are they putting on the fact that you're their daughter and sister? Quite rightly these relationships are so important to you, but they're not giving you equal respect.

I don't think you will ever find any peace while these two women sabotage your grief. Let your dh and dc be the people that you share your baby with. The scan photo behind the family photo sounds wonderful. Let your baby's family be the one you have made for yourself, not the one you were born into. Share your baby's life with them.

You didn't leave your mum that day because you're not the person they say you are. Just because you are a good person though, it doesn't mean you have to involve people in your life who bring you down.

I want to hate them I really do. It's very complicated and my mind is a confusing place. Logically I know dm did an awful thing she forced me to have a termination, was cruel and then never allowed me to speak about it or grieve. Dsis has caused me huge amounts of upset over the years and is now just kicking me when I'm down. I want to hate them but I know even if I didn't speak to them for months or years of something happened and they needed help I'd go but I wish I could just not feel that way.

I don't know why I value what they even think. They dont care about me or my poor baby. I feel like I need to not care that they won't let me speak or acknowledge my pain as I do t want them having the privilege of 'knowing' my baby. Dm didn't care then and she doesn't care now about my baby and dsis doesn't care at all if have thought pregnancy and impending motherhood would have made her think but she's cold hearted.
Sorry I'm rambling on again. My mind wants to make sense of it all somehow and I've never tried before I've just been upset or forced myself to keep burying the pain

You can't make yourself feel something you don't. My mother is struggling at the moment with having somebody in her life who has done immense damage, to her and others. She knows what they've done, but it's a close relationship and previously a happy one. It's the blood tie, the shared history, she just can't hate her. From the outside it's hard to understand, and she knows it would be easier if she could just hate her. But she doesn't.

You can give yourself permission to walk away from your mother and sister for as long as you need. It doesn't have to be forever. You could walk away knowing you will return in an emergency. What do you think they can add to your life that you need right now ? What do they provide that your dh, dc and friends don't? Is there anything ?

Maybe cutting contact with them feels like it would be yet another loss to compound the loss of your baby. But what would you be losing in reality? Perhaps just the idea of what a mother and sister should be like. They don't seem like they can change though.

It sounds like you've been very courageous in confronting the loss of your baby. You talk about them, mark anniversaries, include them as part of your family. Can you decide that perhaps you don't need your cold-hearted mother and sister to grieve with you? It was your baby, part of you, not them, so you don't need to share with them.

If you don't think you're ever going to get any apology or acknowledgement then you are allowed to stop trying. I can't imagine anybody on this thread would judge you for not wanting to be involved in your sister's pregnancy, she doesn't deserve you.

Horrible things happen to good people. You won't be a bad person for doing whatever it takes to deal with the traumatic events in your life. It's awful to admit that people we should be able to rely on have let us down, that they're not who we think/hope they are. But ultimately it's healthier to accept it and see them for what they are.

Love isn't a competition, but I don't see these cold-hearted women being able to take the joy in the new baby that you take in your own family. Your children have two proper parents who know how to love.

Hedgehog I think that you may be looking for something in these woman that you will never find, empathy, love and recognition for your baby/loss. You won't ever get it from them. They will have their thoughts be it guilt/thinking they are right etc and they won't acknowledge them or witness your pain because they know what they did/don't do.
I would maybe go see your GP and have a talk about PTSDas you seem to be 'stuck' in a cycle that won't allow you to heal (heal not forget), this will keep you seeking approval/love/empathy from these woman.
I think having something to remember your baby is a good idea, be that a plaque or maybe a small piece of jewellery that you wear everyday, maybe a locket that hangs by your heart?
Maybe have more focused therapy and look at these 2 things separately (the loss/grief and then the relationship with these woman).