has anyone, or does anyone know anyone, whose marriage has ended because one partner changed gender?

[wannaBeWhateverIWannaBe]

I'm not namechanging for this because firstly this isn't about me personally, and secondly I don't want to be seen as a troll.

I spoke to an old school friend today who I haven?t seen/spoken to for 13 years. A friend of a friend gave her my number and she called me. She told me that her marriage had ended 3 years ago because her husband had realized that he actually wanted to be a woman. She'd thought they had a perfect relationship. They were happy, did everything together, and she loved him more than anything. they were even in the process of being approved to adopt a child. Then she had to go away for a couple of weeks, and the day she came back he told her, it was totally unexpected. They had stayed together for two years albeit in separate rooms, the husband had started living as a woman, and things then came to a head when he decided that he (she) wanted to start seeing men. They split finally and the marriage was actually annulled.

Even three years on my friend is absolutely devastated and it is very clear she still hasn?t come to terms with all this. She was crying down the phone when I told her about my dh/ds, saying that was all she?d ever wanted, a husband/child and that she?d loved her husband so much, that they?d split everything amicably because she couldn?t push him away having vowed to stick with him through everything. She even said that she would have stayed with him(her) but that it was him who had wanted to move on. And she is still unable to refer to him as "she/her".

She?s only just felt strong enough now to start having some counselling, and she said that it has helped her, but that she just can?t see her life heading anywhere.

Has anyone been through this? Can anyone tell me how you managed to move on, and whether you did find happiness again?

I have suggested she could look for a support group of people who have been through the same experiences, but do such support groups actually exist?

She is so desperately sad and I don?t know how I can help her, other than just to be there for her if she wants me to be.

bump

Morningpaper's former husband is now a woman. But they're still very good friends.

The only other transgender women I know are lesbians.

MI this friend and her ex have also remained friends, in fact they went on holiday together recently, but she said every time she sees him, talks to him, she wants to scream that she just wants her husband back.

My SIL used to be my BIL - got married (as a man), moved to US with his wife and only then realised that he couldn't go on as a man, and told her that he was going to live as a woman. However I don't know the details, although I believe they stayed friends. That was 11 or 12 years ago, possibly more. I'm not sure whether they're even in touch any more.

Just read this. This is so sad. I'm so sorry for your poor friend.

My situation was different because I was quite happy that my marriage was over. In a way, it was good for me that my husband changed gender because it kind of gave me the final justification that ending our relationship was the right thing to do. We have a good relationship now, but the heady days of being in love with my husband were over before she made decisions regarding her gender. So there wasn't that element of hurt for me. And I was quite happy to support her through the process - buying clothes, being at the hospital, making rude jokes etc.

About 50% of transsexuals are bisexual/homosexual, I believe. So the two are not necessarily related.

There are support groups, although it sounds as though she really needs counselling to help her move on. I will root out the names of support groups for you. She sounds as though she is really grieving for someone that she was deperately in love with, who is no longer there in the same way. That is not quite the same as understanding and coming to terms with someone's gender confusion.

I think that a good counsellor or therapist could probably do wonders for her, she sounds very depressed.

I think the best thing you can do is be there for her and encourage her to keep at the counselling process, especially when she feels that it is going anywhere or is very difficult.

You sound like a good friend, being there is the most important thing.

try www.depend.org.uk/ ?

thank you mp

yes, I think grieving is a very accurate way of describing what she's going through, in fact she did liken it to a bereavement, but said that she felt it was something that would never go away, just that she hoped the pain might become less with time. I do think she's making it much harder on herself because she wants them to remain friends because she said she "made very serious vows, and wants to always be there for him". part of me thinks that by holding on to this friendship with him, she is actually still trying to hold on to a bit of what they had, and that if she distanced herself from him, for a bit at least, the healing process might be made more bearable for her.