Very depressed over relationship

[OctopusHairband]

Hi. I'm feeling very depressed and struggling due to an ending relationship. Thoughts appreciated!

For fifteen years I lived in my own house in London. It was a small three bedroom house. I met dp and he moved in, we had dd1 but split up, he moved twenty miles away, outside London. A couple of years later I wanted to try again at the relationship and I got pregnant with dd2. I had a dream of being married to dp, living together, a dog, all the cliched stuff.

When dd2 was born I was still living in my house in London, dp hadn't been very supportive during the pregnancy and definitely no marriage proposal and he didn't want us to live together. After the birth I was really struggling, so dp suggested I move near him so he could support me and we could try being together more, with a view to us living together down the line.

Here is the crazy part. I sold my house in London and rented a small house near where he lived. He oversaw all this, knowing the 'commitment' I was making and how much I loved my little house in London. I was smitten that I thought the relationship would work, we'd be a family, get a house together in a few months time, hopefully get married etc. Tbh I think I had PND and my judgement was very naive.

Fast forward six months and of course there's no marriage proposal, he's made it clear he doesn't want us to move to his house (dc and I still renting) and I've just bought a small flat as couldn't sustain the renting long term. I've also lost my job through redundancy so moving back to London or buying a bigger property is not an option. I'm hoping to work again soon and am interviewing like crazy.

I'm so depressed he's been so callous though, I know I was stupid to have been so smitten and in love but now I'm heartbroken. I've sold my beloved house too and am stuck living in an area I don't like. Moving back to London would be hard due to the cost of buying/renting.

I made such terrible decisions, but he encouraged and facilitated them. I so desperately wanted to be with him, but now I realise finally that he'll never commit to me and he doesn't love me. What a mess I'm in.

Oh Octopus, you sound so sad and lonely. Do you have any friends or family nearby who could offer you a bit of support?

Your DP sounds utterly thoughtless. It is unfair to yourself to say you made terrible decisions- you were making decisions that you thought were in the best interests of your family. Your DP was cruel to let you carry on if he had any doubts about his own commitment.

You don't say how old your children are- are you still officially on maternity leave? Is your eldest dc in school? You say you are looking for work- does this have to be where you are currently? you might not be as stuck in the area as you think you are.

I wonder if it would be worth going to talk to your GP about possible PND or depression in general. With some mental health support you could find you start to feel a more able to take control of the situation.

Finally, is your DCs' father offering any support, looking after the children etc? Or is he avoiding doing any of this by pretending you and he are still a couple and so letting you do it all (rather than sharing care, as he would do if you were properly split up)?

to you. This is not your fault- you were doing what you thought was right at the time.