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Original poster

DH irritation: is this normal?

23 replies

crocodoodle · 30/08/2016 23:41

My DH really irritates me. I know how pathetic my issue sounds in relation to others on here, but I'm becoming very concerned about how irritating I am finding DH.

He has the tendency to perpetually tap all of the time, even when there is no music. When he cuddles me, he taps me, when he holds my hand he picks at my fingernails. He's also started leg shaking when we're having a conversation about something important which really puts me off and twitching his lip.

I've noticed little quirks before, but lately it's been really bothering me. When he wakes in the morning, I can often feel constant tapping sensations where he's picking at something on his body or tapping away whilst I'm trying to relax.
Watching TV, his feet are constantly jittering away in my eye line, or his hands are picing at something.
He's also loud in all he does, particularly first thing in the morning when our neighbours are sleeping in the room next to us, he shouts when he talks and seems to bang around all of the time.

He also gets in both mine and my children's personal space by standing way too close for comfort when we're trying to do something or watching over our shoulders. He doesn't seem to notice annoyance either and it usually transpires into us asking him to go away.

I must sounds really awful here, but his behaviour is really grating on me. I don't know if it's just worsened with age, or whether I'm growing more intolerant of him. Any tips or others in the same boat? I am struggling to be around DH at the moment so supportive advice would be helpful. I think I can be quite intolerant, but this stuff is really imposing on my enjoyment of life in the home with DH. Help.

OP posts:

Dreamfrog · 31/08/2016 00:11

Hi. Once something gets on your nerves it's very hard not to notice it, it stands out like a neon sign.
The nervous tapping and not reading people's emotions could be a sign of depression , stress etc if he's only recently started doing it.
Can you talk to him about it. Will he let you give him a nudge when he does it to help break the habit.
It would drive me potty if that's any consolation. 💐

geekymommy · 31/08/2016 02:07

How's his hearing? Being loud and standing too close might be signs of poor hearing.

ExpatTrailingSpouse · 31/08/2016 03:37

I know for sure my dr friends would say he needs to be checked out - could be he his developed an underlying problem causing these tics etc.

LadyB49 · 31/08/2016 04:17

Has he always done this and it's only now irritating you.
Or is this a new thing.
He could have developed a condition, or it could be a medication side effect.

Trifleorbust · 31/08/2016 08:07

I could have written this about the tapping and the banging around...! I just tell him to pack it in, it's bugging me.

LittlePoot · 31/08/2016 08:24

Same here. Continual fidgeting and random noise generation. Eating, tapping, rubbing feet together....... Always has been and ds is similarly fidgety. But it's really getting to me and my resulting snappiness is starting to really get to him. I'd love to find a way to be more tolerant but I seem to be getting worse not better. I'm worried it'll be the end of us if we're not careful......

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 31/08/2016 08:52

I have found once you start noticing a particular thing it gets worse and worse. DH has one particular habit he does unconsciously all the time when we are sitting relaxing in the evening and sometimes it annoys me so much I have to sit so I can't see him. My response seems irrational but I can't control it any more than he can seemingly control this habit (he knows it annoys me).

If anyone has a solution I would be v. grateful!

Original poster

crocodoodle · 31/08/2016 09:12

So glad there are others in the same boat! I'd started thinking I was just being nasty and intolerant. I like your argument Only living boy, that he may not be able to stop the habit, but you can't stop feeling irritated by him either! A fair argument.

Littlepoot: the feet rubbing drives me insane. Currently child free and having a late morning in bed and he's constantly fidgeting with his feet, rubbing them together, tapping them together. The consant movement is unbearable, I don't enjoy this time together at all when it's like this... makes me want to do my own thing, away from him for the rest of the day.

OP posts:

LadyB49 · 31/08/2016 10:39

Ask if there is a reason dhs are doing this? Just in case it's to get relief from the tormenting symptoms of Restless legs- Restless Arms disease.

uglyflowers · 31/08/2016 10:46

He sounds like my son, who is dyspraxic. The best way to get him to stop fidgeting is to exhaust him with exercise then he is much calmer.

augustusglupe · 31/08/2016 10:48

I think it sounds stress related. My DH has a nervous cough, sometimes it reaches such a crescendo it's ridiculous...like he's become one massive throat clear!! He won't have it that it's nerves...it is, he's had it years and has had blood tests, camera down there et al. He also has finger clicking and the foot tapping, usually when I'm talking to him about something he really doesn't want to discuss. Other than all that, we're a match made in heaven

LuckyBitches · 31/08/2016 10:55

I find foot tapping extremely annoying and you have my sympathy OP. But irritation can also a symptom of anxiety/depression (I speak from experience!). Have you considered that option?

nolongersurprised · 31/08/2016 10:58

Are they tics?

Lorelei76 · 31/08/2016 10:58

This would drive me mad
But is it new? Could it be a sign of a problem?

StirredNotShaken · 31/08/2016 11:28

He sounds autistic - or as if he has traces of some similar disorder. Possibly nerves or anxiety too. It would drive me bonkers. Is he aware of it?

Naicehamshop · 31/08/2016 12:02

How long has this been going on for, and have you been together for a long time?

If it's any help it would drive me round the bend! My DH twitches in his sleep . I may have to kill him soon.

Original poster

crocodoodle · 31/08/2016 14:01

He's aware bit can't help it he says. He also thinks I'm overly sensitive and critical. I have wondered about aspergers as he's massively intelligent and often quite blinkered in his thinking too.

OP posts:

LittlePoot · 31/08/2016 21:09

Mine is well aware, always has done it and doesn't seem to be able to stop. My irritation definitely increases as my mood decreases but never goes away. Just sometimes I feel less stabby than others.....

I was reading the other day that mindfulness training might help stop little noises being so annoying. I've tried mindfulness before and really liked it but got completely out of the habit. Maybe I should try again. I agree croco - it is reassuring to hear others in the same boat. I was really hoping someone would come along with a magic solution though!

Greenandmighty · 31/08/2016 22:53

Oh I sympathise, Croco....my dh similar. Bangs around in the morning when I'm dozing. Empties his because drawer pulling out various pieces of electronic equipment. Plays his music at loud volume and looks bewildered when I ask him to turn it down as if I'm being unreasonable. Farts without apology (eeurgghh!), fiddles unconsciously with his bits when in PJs. Agree that some of the behaviours you describe do sound as if he's pretty insensitive and unaware of the impact on you so this high degree of insensitivity may suggest something on the spectrum. I've sort of given up hoping dh will realise how noisy he can be. At other times, I sometimes feel it's just a general arrogant insensitivity to others' feelings. You're not alone!

Greenandmighty · 31/08/2016 22:55

Because=beside!!

Original poster

crocodoodle · 01/09/2016 08:24

I'm glad someone has mentioned it.... the fiddling with bits is fairly constant when we're relaxing, in bed I can feel Constant, movement and when he scratches constantly, it's like the persistent sound of nails scratching sand paper (sorry!) It actually wakes me during the night sometimes.

Not sexy!

OP posts:

Kr1stina · 01/09/2016 08:28

I don't see why finding it annoying makes you intolerant .

He can't stop doing it .
You can't stop feeling annoyed .

One or both of you need to change or you won't be happy living together . I woudl also really struggle to live with this.

Waterlemon · 01/09/2016 08:41

You describe my df he constantly taps/fidgets too although he also sings/hums all the time as well!! (Very badly and with NO tune)

My DF has always wondered if he Is a bit autistic as he has "never quite fitted in" his words. But we found some info on adult dyspraxia and he seems to tick more of those boxes, but many traits cross over.

We find we have to remind him when in public to lower his voice etc he goes into a kind of overdrive when anxious, particularly in social situations . if he starts a story he has to finish it, which can be awkward in social situations as he will repeatedly tell the same people the same thing or ask the same questions without really listening to the answers.

My dm gets very fed up and will kick him under the table or ends up shouting under her breath at him. I used to dread going out with them when I was a teenager but now I don't mind at all.

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