Secret Girlfriend.

[justme1989]

Met my DP 5 years ago on holiday. He was on a stag do. Not his. Got on very well. Turned out we lived local. Arranged to meet when we got back.
1st date back. He told me he was unhappily engaged. With 2 children. Aged then 3 and 8.
Wrongly I know. I continued seeing him. 3 weeks later he ended his engagement and relationship with her. Not telling her he had met someone else.
He moved into a rented houseHad his kids to stay 2-3 nights a week. I stayed the other nights. Totally understood it wasn't a decision to rush into.
5 years later. He still has not told his ex- but is quick to point out he is not interested in her. And has not told his children about me. Because he doesn't want to risk them being hurt. He barely sees them now does the school run sometimes. And 1-2 hours one day on the weekend. He blames this on me. Because he wants us to work. What am I missing?
We rented a flat together for a while. They never came over. Apparently no one asked where he lived.
His parents and friends all know me. His parents lie for him.
We have had big rows some my fault. Some his. I am very insecure. He regularly "breaks up" with me and vanishes for a couple of nights. Tells me he is done. Then comes back because he can't live with out me.
Am I wasting my time?

OP you don't know what his ex wants for, maybe her feelings run to more than just money and a nice house. He's not there for his children, that will always hurt their mother. Although if she is sensible, she'll be happy to be rid of him and feeling sorry for you.

Remind yourself that you deserve a man who is there for you all the time, who is proud to walk with you anywhere and have you meet his children. Who lives with you properly without disappearing to see his other girlfriend (cos not a chance in hell he's out seeing his parents a couple of nights a week). Think about what you want from life, if it's long term love and children, this man has already shown he doesn't value either of those.

His mail goes to his ex-wife's house after 5 years?

That would be enough to make me think I was wasting my time.

Does the fact that he stays with you most nights but says he doesn't live with you mean that you are paying all the rent and bills by yourself?

Maybe you think I'm selfish. But why Pitt his ex? He pays her a lot of money every month. she lives in a nice house. She wants for nothing.

Come on now, you don't really think like that, do you.

Just me- you did nothing wrong.
He clearly wasn't happy and he wanted out ..more than likely before you came on the scene.
After 5 years tho I wouldn't settle for this,doubt I would of for a year.
Do you really want to waste another year or two on him?
Is he really worth it?

'Maybe you think I'm selfish. But why Pitt his ex? He pays her a lot of money every month. she lives in a nice house. She wants for nothing.'

This is obviously the line he feeds you! I bet she thanks the Lord everyday she been so lucky - get real!!! He doesn't 'pay her' he gives her money to raise his children. Any decent man would be happy their children lived in a nice house. Tbh he has shown his true colours right from the start - once a cheat always a cheat! Move on and do yourself a favour, even if it was just a drink the intent was there!

Stop thinking you have any clue what his (possible) ex thinks, wants or needs. Do you think she is the only one he can lie to? I'm not convinced from what you have said that they are still separated.

If I was going out for drinks with a random man while my marriage was in trouble I'm pretty sure dh would feel I'd crossed a line. There is more to cheating than sex.

You met an attached man who you shared a mutual attraction with but did nothing wrong.....alrighty then .

Truth is OP he never did split up with his ex. They are still together. His family probably lie for him as familys behave strangly at times. Or he has another gf who he sort of lives with when he is not working away staying with you.

You do infact reap what you sow. End it now and move on with your life.

Red flags ..

mail still going to the Ex

you being a secret from Ex and kids after 5 years

his parents lying for him? why?

Don't you think they'll lie when he gets another girlfriend and you are kept in the dark?

They weren't even married, yet he isn't allowed to be in a new relationship after 5 years?

Are you sure they are actually over?

Where is this relationship going?

You're like a mistress here and I'd tell him it's over.

Dollars to donuts he's slept with her since you two got together. You're being taken for a ride.

You all have very valid points.

He stays with me usually every night. Only when we fight he buggers off. It is conveniently usually on a weekend.

I get why people don't think he has left her. But she never calls or texts him. They never do things as a family. Unless it's one of the kids birthday. I don't know what relationship they have. But it's not sexual/romantic.

It is hard for me as much as many of you think I am the villain. I fell for someone quickly. Yes the logistics weren't right. Or not perfect. But you can't help who you fall for.

My struggle is now how do I move forward. Is there too much water under the bridge.

Maybe I'll never forgive some of the things he has done to me. And as you've said. And I have thought myself. Would I want children with someone who makes no time or effort with the children he has.

Did you mean to name change?

Leave him and move on. There is no alternative with this one, I'm afraid.