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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

what constitutes as a porn addiction?

38 replies

user999 · 29/08/2016 17:02

I'm just wondering if you would think this sounds like a porn addiction?

I've been unhappy with mine and my oh sex life for a lot of our relationship. I'm a once every day or every other kind of person. For him it seems once a week or every 10 days is enough. I explain I'd like it to be more often but always met with excuses, tired/his weight/stressed etc. He stays up late most nights and seems to keen to pack me off to bed if i stay up late with him. "Aren't you tired?" Etc. I often wake up at 1 or 2am and he's still downstairs. After being him suggesting I go to bed the other day, I woke up as usual to him not being there. I could hear that he was masturbating downstairs. Something in me just snapped. I was unreasonable, I know. I confronted him, explained how I know he stays up late most nights to watch porn, that his lack of interest in me sexually is ruining my self esteem, and how sexually unfulfilled I feel. I did explode bit this has been an issue for a long time. He said he doesn't watch it all the time, made excuses said he'd try more. We had sex three times that week. But low and behold it's been two weeks since the last time. I have checked hos phone in the past (I know this is bad) and he rarely goes more then a couple of days without watching porn. I feel puts far too much of sexual energy into his own solo sexual release and not enough effort into our sex life. To top it all off when we do have sex he's usually lazy and there is little to no foreplay. At times its been obvious he's viewed porn and come with his erection from the porn and had sex with me. I caught him as he forgot to switch the telly off. Sorry to ramble. Does this sound like he may have a problem?

OP posts:
pestov · 30/08/2016 18:34

Rape isn't always violent

pestov · 30/08/2016 18:39

Posted too soon. This documentary has a similar non-resistance scenario www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p0345d6w and explores arguments whether it was rape or not.

Also, 1 week post partum?! I couldn't have been more vulnerable at that stage. You need someone IRL to talk to about this

AnyFucker · 30/08/2016 20:19

You did not consent, you simply gave up protesting

That is not consensual sex. That is rape, and the law agrees with me.

AnyFucker · 30/08/2016 20:24

He also put your health massively at risk. You did not want the sex so would not have been lubricating. Post partum blood is also a poor lubricator. At best, he risked seriously grazing you which is very painful and would slow the natural healing process. At worst, and especially because he didn't take time to make sure you were comfortable and positioned well, he risked introducing air into unhealed membranes fatal embolism

Just a "bit dickish"

Absolutely not

Koan · 30/08/2016 20:42

1 week post partum? OP no, that's beyond the beyonds

Atenco · 30/08/2016 20:49

Oh yes, that was rape and one of the most disgusting types of rape I've heard of in a long time, but then I don't watch porn.

user999 · 02/09/2016 19:13

So I turned him down last night as we'd been arguing (because he wanted me to cook him a meal whilst he was at the gym, because he works and I don'tHmm) and i didn't want to. He comes out with "your not very good at keeping your man happy are you?" And then gives me the silent treatment.

I think I'm starting to see what he really is, but I'm stuck.

OP posts:
fatsowhale · 02/09/2016 19:18

Get out get out get out.

Resilience16 · 02/09/2016 20:12

You are not stuck, you have options and choices.
Contact Women's Aid for support and advice regarding leaving this abusive relationship.
The longer you stay the more you will get ground down.
You deserve better. Please believe that.

user999 · 02/09/2016 20:23

I left an abuse relationship 6 months before I met current OH. But now I have four children and no way to support them. I've been so stupid.

He actually said one of his favourites yesterday, "I don't hit you, cheat on you or take drugs", like that's all it takes to be a good partner.

I do absolutely everything, I make all his meals, all the housework. If I say I'm too tired to make him a snack in the evening he goes on and on and makes me feel bad. With the four kids and this relationship, plus study commitments I feel I'm running myself into the ground. I'm depressed.

I have nobody irl.

I called women's aid and can never get through, plus I'm reluctant to speak to the as they weren't very understanding or helpful in my previous situation.

OP posts:
user999 · 02/09/2016 20:26

I'm having to pretend I'm ok with him now because otherwise he gets angry and I don't feel safe when he's angry.

I thought his behaviour had got better over the years but I realise now I just tip toe round him so much more.

OP posts:
Resilience16 · 02/09/2016 21:11

You've not been stupid.
You do need to get yourself and the kids out of this situation.
Keep trying Women's Aid, or alternatively try Refuge.
When you say WA weren't very helpful last time what do you mean? They can't wave a magic wand but they can support you, particularly if you have no one else in real life.
Also contact CAB for benefits advice,to find out what you would be entitled to as a single parent of four children.
Your local surestart centre may be able to give advice re DV also.
There is support out there. You don't have to stay stuck in this relationship x

Atenco · 03/09/2016 04:37

Most abusive relationship entail isolating the victim as that is so convenient for controlling them. Been there, bought the tee-shirt. So start reversing this phenomena, start to work on your social network and give Women's Aid another chance.

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