Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

The early days of dating

18 replies

MrsGallagher · 29/08/2016 16:31

I'm a regular on here but have changed my name as someone in rl knows some of this. Sorry if this is long but I just don't want to drip feed.

I would really appreciate some advice or to be told to stop being so needy, I don't know if I am being needy or just inexperienced. I have to admit I'm not really experienced in the dating world. I was in a long relationship that was abusive, took time out to get over it and now I have been online dating.

Just when I was ready to delete my online dating account as I was fed up with the amount of time wasters on it, I met someone who I thought was nice. We have a lot in common, including my hobby which I never thought I would meet a man who was into it. So we met quite soon and seemed to hit it off. It has been a long time since I have had any feelings for anyone so this came as a bit of a surprise to me. I'm very shy but with this guy I feel comfortable with.

We have been on five dates now, one each Saturday. Over the last week though I felt that he has gone quite cold. I can't really put my finger on it, I don't know whether it is a gut feeling or needyness or something. In the first couple of weeks he would arrange another date and text frequently throughout the week. Then last weekend he didn't arrange anything and when I asked it just felt awkward. Throughout the week he would text but it would be late in the evening and not frequent.

So I asked him if everything was alright and he said he was just very busy and stressed out. I get that he is very busy but to me it doesn't take much to text or arrange another date. I could also see that he was still posting on Facebook, so didn't seem that busy to me. We met on Saturday and yes he did seem tired. However again no other date has been arranged. I'm left feeling whether or not he is interested. I also thought he might want to meet again yesterday or today but nothing. A friend asked why I wasn't seeing him today so I'm thinking now should we be at the stage where we are seeing each other during the day, rather than for a drink in the evening?

So what I'm asking is how much contact do you expect in the early days and how often do you meet up? When has it started to progress for you into something more? It also doesn't help matters that a man I went to school with contacted me asking me out for a drink. I don't know what to do as it doesn't feel right going out for a drink with another man, but yet I'm wondering if there is a future with the current one.

I guess I'm feeling lonely today too as everyone is out doing family/couply stuff whereas I'm sat here on my own with two guinea pigs.

OP posts:

emilybrontescorset · 29/08/2016 16:58

Oh op.
Firstly I would go out with the second man.
You are not committed to the first guy so arrange to meet up with number 2.

If you like number 2 and he asks you out on a second date then go for it.

Leave it as long as you can then message guy number 1. Keep it light and casual, something along the lines of hope you had a great weekend, I've been at my friends chilling in the garden with a cocktail. Hope to see you soon x ( even though it's not strictly true).
Then wait to see if he responds.
He may be busy with work, he may be loosing interest in you, he may be dating other women.

Remember online dating offers up lots opportunity for all involved.
Also don't cancel your profile you never know who might come along.

velourvoyageur · 29/08/2016 16:58

First off, time spent with guins is always time well spent! ;-)

I would (sorry to be blunt) not bother with the first guy anymore and definitely go out for a drink with the second one. No one is that busy that their attitude towards you changes that much, sorry.

NotTheFordType · 29/08/2016 17:02

Sorry to say this but it sounds like he's also seeing other people and one of them has just pulled past you in terms of his keenness.

I would go out with the other prospect but leave the door open for this one too.

Original poster

MrsGallagher · 29/08/2016 17:14

Thanks for your replies. He is doing something today but something that I could have been easily invited along to keep him company. I then thought perhaps it is too early to be going with him somewhere for the full day?

OP posts:

LesisMiserable · 29/08/2016 17:20

Go out for a drink with man number 2 , live in the moment and forget about the future. If man number 1 gets in touch and you're free and fancy his company go out with him. Try and arrange to go out for a drink tonight then you can spend today getting ready and pampering yourself

pasic · 29/08/2016 17:27

If you haven't had the exclusivity talk, then you are free to date anyone you want. That's how it works now.

You know when someone cools off, you just do.

Original poster

MrsGallagher · 29/08/2016 17:49

Thats pretty much the feeling that he has cooled off and just not as keen as I am. I just don't know if it is me expecting too much? What sort of contact should I be expecting?

Its just I like man number 1 as we have so much in common. I don't have much in common with number 2, just that he has given me some attention.

OP posts:

OlennasWimple · 29/08/2016 17:52

You might find things in common with Man 2. Or have nothing much in common but make it work anyway (like DH and me - OLD would never have suggested us as a match based on activities and interests). So what have you got to lose by going for a drink with Man 2?

Man 1 might also become keen again if he knows you are seeing other people - some men are competitive like that....

TheNaze73 · 29/08/2016 20:10

I think you need to find out what man #1 actually wants. It seems pretty normal to me in the early stages & I wouldn't drop BHM plans for someone I'd only had a few dates with. See them both, remember you're the prize & go on your gut instinct

Original poster

MrsGallagher · 29/08/2016 21:07

Thanks. This is all new to me as I'm not used to having someone showing interest like man 2. Its just a pity that man 1 couldn't be a bit more keen as I think we got on really well when we meet up.

OP posts:

PamDooveOrangeJoof · 29/08/2016 21:25

the man I married never made me feel needy. He just was consistent in texting and arranging stuff and yes as time went on we saw each other more and more.

I think it sounds like he has cooled off and yes is probably dating other people.

Don't contact him or ask him for another date. Wait until he asks you.

Go for a drink with this other guy. And then it wouldn't surprise me if guy 1 steps up his game if he feels like you aren't so fussed anymore.
People are fickle like that!

PamDooveOrangeJoof · 29/08/2016 21:26

And over the years when I was dating whenever i felt someone cool. My gut feeling always turned out to be right.

If you step back and he does miss you then he will soon let you know. If he doesn't, then you know your answer anyway.

MsVestibule · 29/08/2016 21:33

TBH, it does sound as though he's losing interest 😕. It took me about 20 years (yes really) to work out that the relationships that went somewhere never had any of this 'does he like me?' drama. They just progressed nicely, no chats about exclusivity etc - we just became boyfriend and girlfriend.

All of those where I was left wondering where I stood, does he like me, am I too keen etc, never went anywhere.

I would definitely accept the drink with Man 2 and just cool it off with Man 1. Good luck and let us know how it goes!

Firsttimer82 · 29/08/2016 21:41

Go out for a drink with the 2nd guy, the first guy needs to buck his ideas up to deserve you. Stop texting him and see what he does, if he texts you leave it a good 16hours before you reply. People will tell you that when a man wants you he comes and gets you and this is very true as long as you know you like them. I was internet dating for about 8 years and had lots of fun. When I got together with DH though I never once worried about whether he had text me or how long was normal to spend with him. it just flowed, although we were a bit weird as we were engaged within a few weeks. My point it when you like each other and its good there isn't all this stress. This guy isn't worthy of you because he doesn't make you feel secure and amazing. And you sound great. So on to number two and keep going!!! xx

Firsttimer82 · 29/08/2016 21:43

*they know

Original poster

MrsGallagher · 29/08/2016 21:59

Thanks everyone for your kind words-I'm not feeling so great about myself. I'm feeling very confused as on the Saturdays when we meet everything is great but then the rest of the week is such a let down as I don't know where I stand with him. He hasn't texted me today so I'm just going to step back and try not to worry.

OP posts:

SicknSpan · 29/08/2016 23:47

MrsGallagher you should come and join us on the dating thread!!! We talk about this stuff aaaallll the time :)

Original poster

MrsGallagher · 30/08/2016 18:00

The dating thread moves too quick for me but yes I should try and join in.

Man 2 is a no go now :( He seems to be after one thing as the conversation quickly turned to me going back to his house and leading him astray!! He also doesn't work and is happy to be on benefits. I know its bad to dismiss someone for this but its just I have a strong work ethic and also look for this in a man too.

Looks like its back to pof :(

OP posts:

Flip