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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I have feelings for my engaged friend

44 replies

DaisyChain08 · 29/08/2016 13:04

As the title says.... :(

I have developed really strong feelings for one of my guy friends. He is in a long term relationship- engaged and has a child. Recently he has confided in me about the relationship and how although he loves her, for the past year or two he has questioned if he is still in love with her and feels he just tries to make it work for the sake of the child.

He has said how he feels comfortable talking to me and enjoys talking to me, he says I'm hilarious and when I've moaned about being single and asked him to set me up with one of his mates he has said none of them are worthy of me...

We have never done anything physical and I don't believe he ever would try but obviously there is an undercurrent of attraction between us.

I know I need to stop my friendship with him. You cant be friends with someone you have feelings for, and if he is confused about his relationship he needs to figure that out on his own. I cant wait around for him. I need to just forget and move on.

How do you move on from someone you want but can't have and can't even tell them you want them?

OP posts:

Myusernameismyusername · 29/08/2016 18:06

He could just be saying all this and not really meaning it. As in no intention of ever doing anything about it but perhaps wondering what an affair would be like, with you.

Him leaving? He gets caught. That's usually how it goes.

EstellaHavisham · 29/08/2016 18:28

His poor fiancee

orangeistheonlyfruit · 29/08/2016 18:41

Yeah I feel for the fiancé. She must not have suspected he was a total cad. And he will be loving it.

AnyFucker · 29/08/2016 18:47

Oh grow up, will you

He's trying to shag you. And you are lapping it up. He is having an emotional affair with you.

Tell him to do his "woe is me" act on his fiancee and you cut contact with him.

If he ever becomes single, maybe you could give him a turn at treating you like shit

I despair

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 29/08/2016 18:53

Telling you he feels he can talk to you but can't talk to her, announcing he's fighting between heart and head - this is all unfaithful shilly-shallying from someone who isn't doing the right thing by either of you. I despise behaviour like this. Can't he see how obvious he's being? It's like the episode in a soap opera just before the affair begins in earnest. And he actually has the nerve to imply he's on some sort of moral high ground!

I'm sorry for the situation you're in but you will be acting horribly if you continue having contact with him. It's becoming an emotional affair that may be actively harming his relationship already (perhaps he would have confided in her by now if you weren't there to complain to) and there's a child involved.

I'm sorry but you know what you have to do.

Trills · 29/08/2016 19:11

He's being a bit of a shit partner to his current girlfriend.

Is there any particular reason he wouldn't be similarly shit if he broke up with her and got together with you? I don't think there is.

Trills · 29/08/2016 19:12

If all of this I'm fighting between my heart and my head makes him more attractive to you, you should have a good look at your priorities.

It should make you think "he is an annoying indecisive whinger"

AnyFucker · 29/08/2016 19:15

It's all very HollyOaks isn't it ?

AyeAmarok · 29/08/2016 20:17

He's playing you like a fiddle.

You're actually feeling sorry for him that he wants to cheat on his fiancée whom he has a baby with? Because the poor man feels so stuck and unfulfilled?

Man alive.

He wants his comfortable settled home life, and a shag with someone else on the side.

Don't be such a sucker.

GinIsIn · 29/08/2016 20:20

This is common in MN for a reason- I think a lot of guys who are beginning to feel the weight of family ties do this - they want the buzz of confirming someone else wants them before they tie the knot. The best thing you can do is take a massive step back, it really is!

SandyY2K · 29/08/2016 20:38

The best thing you can do is cut contact with him. I don't think he's the only person, male or female in a relationship because of DCs, however he needs to focus on the relationship with his fiancée.

The two of them need to have a discussion and he needs to be honest with her, to try and get back on track, but you have to step aside.

There shouldn't be an option of you in all this. If you end up with him, his fiancée will think you've been at it all the while feel very foolish for trusting him. This is why having friends of the opposite sex doesn't always work and why some couples just don't allow it.

You have feelings for him, but where do you think this would lead? Because if it's a case of you getting with him and breaking up after a few months, would it really have been worth splitting the family up? Once you sleep with a friend, it's never the same again. You can't go back to just being friends. I've been there, believe me.

life07 · 29/08/2016 21:02

Ive been in your place your story is exactly like mine, and it never ends well. Men who do what he is doing are just not worth it. He will most likely use you and just end up marrying her after he's had his fun.

Choceeclair123 · 29/08/2016 22:32

What do you think would trigger someone to end a relationship like that?

So, you're actually fishing for ideas on how to get lover boy to ditch his fiancé and child so he can sail off into the sunset with you! Relationship advice my ass you're well after him. Go find someone single to stroke your lame little ego

AnotherPrickInTheWall · 29/08/2016 22:55

OP. I'm not saying you are daft to fall for all this bullshit; but I take it you are quite young and not wise to tricks some men pull. I'm guessing your friend is fairly young too.
I wouldn't engage in any talk about his partner. Tell him quite clearly that he is overstepping the boundaries.
FGS don't ever tell him you have feelings for him.
I'm 50 and I have the odd man " befriend" me ,and I know when to be friendly and when to keep my distance.
Your mate is chancing his arm because he doesn't have the emotional maturity to deal with his current situation.
His poor partner has enough to deal with a baby and a weak immature partner.
Leave well alone; there are a lot more fish in the sea.

orangeistheonlyfruit · 30/08/2016 07:36

I do find it interesting when the op doesn't come back after not hearing what she wants to. Obviously because we haven't all said its a great idea for her to get with this guy and break up a young family she strangely hasn't come back to the thread

ApocalypseSlough · 30/08/2016 07:42

Back off lady.

Glastokitty · 30/08/2016 07:54

He sounds like an absolute knobber, and you should be running a mile, rather than hanging around lapping up the shit lines he is feeding you. Come on, woman up and tell him to fuck off!

Dozer · 30/08/2016 07:59

You are the OW in an emotional affair and he is already a cheater. Why would you even want to be friends, let alone in a relationship, with someone like that?

PGPsabitch · 30/08/2016 09:31

I know several people who have behaved this way, none have left their partners unless they've been forced to by said partner.

You need to stop listening to the moaning, it's further drawing you in. Distance yourself and say to him that as his friend you will support him whether he stays or leaves but you can't give him any more advice then that or talk about it more because it's a decision he needs to come too.

I highly suspect he will try a bit more and then move on when you keep away.

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