Need advice on uncomfortable sex

[sexapain]

Just wanted some advice. Long one sorry!

Me and DH been together for 10 years. When we met, shortley after we both had warts and had to have treatment. neither of us knew who had passed them on to each other as found about same time so not sure who had first. Anyway, all treatment had but I found sex uncomfortable, I am not sure if it was around same time as the treatment or after but I never had pain with previous partners.
I dont know that DH was bigger than others, did not notice any different really.

When I had treatment for warts the nurse said that I had reacurrent tears where Dh had been tearing me each time we had sex and thats why it was painful.

Since then I still suffer with it being uncomfortable. Used lubricating stuff which did help but such a chore before hand! Nor very romantic!!

I just hate sex now! I feel that I tense up everytime and just make excuses not to do it. It does not really hurt as much,just tight and uncomfortable and think its more me worrying about it but after a while of doing the deed it does get easier. Have used a rabbit in past and once in it was fine!

I also dont reach organsm (did with my first ever parnter) and I often think whats the point.

I am not sure if my mind is set in the whole "well its going to be uncomfortable and I wont get anything out of it so why bother"!

My Dh does suffer and I try and do other things but I would like him to be happy and do think I i wll try but when it comes to it I just tense up again.

Am I a freak!

It makes sense that you don't want to have sex, given that it's not comfortable and you don't reach orgasm!

What was different with your first partner?

What sort of lube do you use?

Are you properly aroused beforehand?

Do you orgasm from masturbation?

It's not normal to orgasm from penetration, you know. You would probably find penetration more pleasant if you had an orgasm first ...

Yeh, you prob summed it up a bit as I think DH thinks arousing me means kissing my neck 3 or 4 times and rubbing my bits and squeezing my boobs in all of 2 mins! Dont get really turned on from that.
First partner never did much, very repetative in/out/in/out so afer a while eventually it would happen but never been the case with DH.
Orgasm from masterbation, toys and husband does other things that work and yes it did make sex easier after, it just always seems to be a process though to make it work that way and not a spontanious sex session that gets me turned on!

Its just weird that it happened with my first partner and no one else and I hate my first partner!!!!

Hmm, I don't think orgasm from penetration is the be all and end all, tbh. And whether you have one in a given situation may well be down to your partner's exact shape etc etc. (There are some positions in which your DH could provide extra stimulation with his hands, which might well do the trick? Probably make it more fun for him, too?)

Ok, does your DH understand why the situation is the way it is? Does he try to make you orgasm before intercourse? Does he enjoy making you orgasm? (He should!)

You need to sit down and talk to him, away from bed. Explain why you're put off intercourse. Explain what needs to change. If you're not orgasming from intercourse, they he should be making sure you have one before having intercourse (if you have intercourse at all - maybe do other things for both of you for a while, take a break?).

I think he does try to be aware and try's to help but sometimes men dont always think with their brain (not in these cirmcumstances anyway!) After having dd had nasty 3rd degree tear and he was concerned we would not be able to have sex for awhile, he actually asked to look at my stiches and then said that they did not look too bad and I should be ready for it soon!!!!

Anyway will def try to talk about it bit more, always worried he may leave me because of it.

Did think of speaking to someone about it ages ago but never knew where to go really and its embarrasing and not something you can blurt out.

Do you still need lube, even if you have an orgasm before intercourse? Are you doing your pelvic floors? Are you masturbating? Both pelvic floors and masturbating improve blood flow to the region, which helps make things work better. (Skin stronger, more stretchy, for one thing.)

He needs to understand, if you have intercourse without an orgasm, it puts you off intercourse. If he wants things to work properly, and you to want to have sex regularly, he has to make sure it's good for you ...

Should def get back in to my pelvic floors, was brill when bf as did it then but dont really do it now. Will be back a the gym tomorrow so will do it as my routine and lying in the bath.

No dont need lube after orgasm before intercourse, maybe that is the way forward then and maybe afew more pelvic floors and tightning up I may one day reach orgasm through intercourse, would be fab to have a one before and one during!

I think pelvic floors can help with sensation and orgasm during intercourse. If you are able to more than one orgasm, generally, a starter orgasm before intercourse helps, too, as you say.

Thing is, natural lube (as in, the stuff you make yourself) is better than anything you can buy. And of course if you're lubing enough that artificial lube isn't needed, your body is ready for sex.

I would add: go to a well-woman clinic or your GP if your GP is not a prat, and ask for a proper examination. You might have some sort of low-grade infection that's making your vaginal area sensitive and sore. Even a does of thrush can make intercourse uncomfortable - particularly if you're not getting much advance stimulation.

BTW: what the clinic nurse said" 'tears' sounds scary, unless your DH is built like the Cerne Abbas Giant this is unlikely. What she probably meant is abrasions ie he is penetrating you a bit too roughly when you are not ready ie not wet enough. Also, if (both of ) you like to go on for a good long time, and you are using condoms, then you will need to use plenty of lube, as condoms can have a drying effect on the vaginal lubrication.

OH, and finally, if your DH is not being sympathetic and generally nice to you, it's never going to be much fun. SOmetimes your body knows what your brain doesn't, so tell him to shape up his behaviour, if necessary.

I can just echo what the others have said - I struggled with pain after DS1 and eventually ended up going to see a lady GP - it wasn't half as scary/embarrassing as I thought it would be and it really helped.

Do go as it could be something as simple as a infection which is easily fixed and if not they will be able to point you in the right direction for more help.

What sort of contraception do you use? I was very dry on Depo Provera injections.
DH & I use condoms but I've never found them drying, I find they save having to use KY jelly. DH is quite big so unless I'm overflowing with pregnancy juices it's KY jelly or a good 15mins of foreplay from him.
Think you need to bite the bullet and tell dh it just doesn't work without a decent bit of foreplay - you've suffered for 10yrs, this is the rest of your life! I'm sure he would rather do that than get nothing.