How do you repair the damage from your childhood?

[SleepyHay]

Didn't have the best time growing up. I suspect my M has NPD. She has massive issues with people who are in any way confident, so growing up I was continually put down and made to feel worthless. Over the years I've had a lot of horrible friendships and relationships which have added to my low opinion of myself.
Things have improved since my late 20s. I decided one day that I'd had enough and started to remove the toxic people from my life.
10 years on and I'm nearly 40, have been with DH for 9 years and he's lovely, kind and caring. I don't have many friends but the ones I have are some of the nicest people I've ever met. I don't see much of my M now but don't have the energy to cut her out of my life completely.
I guess I just still feel 'damaged' in some way. I lack any real confidence or self belief. I struggle making new friends and tend to keep people at arms length. I have one DD who is amazing but the love I feel for her scares me so much sometimes.
I've had counselling, CBT and hypnotherapy but nothing seems to change my deepest feelings about myself.
Sorry if this isn't making sense I've never really tried to explain it before. Does anyone have any advice/ experience of this?
I'm also pregnant with DC2 so probably more emotional than I usually am. I just want to be a normal mother and a good role model for my children so they don't grow up like me. Any advice appreciated- I have been told to just learn to love myself but have no idea how.

Rick o Shay, your post resonates with me. I want to keep re reading it, until I believe about myself.
Can I ask how you got to this point where you can say "it is ok to be me".

I really wish I could say that. And want to get myself to that point, but don't know how.

I'll try my best to explain. I think first by accepting I am human, I will make mistakes, bad judgements, I will hurt people. This happens not because I am a bad person but because I am a person, it is the way of things. Nobody is perfect or lives a perfect life. Nobody ever has or ever will. First thing you have to get really solid is that you are not a bad person. You are a normal person, average. There is a lot of comfort in that, could you say to yourself that you are not a bad person? How does it feel? Is it frightening? If it does scare you can you think about why? Answers might be painful.
Will post more if you would like. Hope you are ok.

Hi op, sorry to read your unfortunately too common story. I am a counsellor and your pain is real and worthy of talking out. CBT is great, but sometimes people need a more person-centred approach. Have you looked into that kind of therapy? What has worked for me with clients is helping them to focus on their current circumstances. You say you have a loving partner, do you feel real gratitude for this? Unloving, emotionally-closed parents do cause so much damage, but you do have control of your own emotions. Learning to accept and love yourself is very achievable. There is a wounded child in you that needs to be heard. I'd suggest you look into finding someone that can help you with this. We are all products of our past and your hurt is real. It's all well and good using CBT to change your thinking processes and make them more positive for you, but I think you need more than that. I wish you well.

polly
all the people whose childhoods have blighted their lives and withered the people they should have been.
And rickO on forgiving yourself.

I feel like I have to reinvent the wheel every single day. I can put 2and2 together and figure stuff out on my own, but it's embarrassing if I share my discoveries as folks are light years ahead of me. I learn yo keep stuff to myself.
So many (classmates etc) are thriving and going to the fullest of their potential...but I'm hardly even ready for the starting line. Withered is the exact word.
My parents gave me food, shelter, some clothes, and some things to do. But they did not nurture me or guide me or promote or advocate for me or point me in any direction that may have served as a clue. They are deceased now. My mother was a bipolar alcoholic, father-workaholic. Not really vile or anything- I was just as a pet, I think.

I did get to the point of forgiving myself ...for being me. I was 35/40 years old (54 now). I am all I have to work with so I'll do the best with what I've got. It's not going to be platinum award winning stuff but it will have to be good enough for me. (It reminds me of Babe the pig: "That'll do pig" )
I agree with "people make mistakes" and finding the process to forgive others when they they make mistakes, and then ...use it on yourself (sincerely) when you mess something up. What a concept.

I don't know about it healing per say. Imho, it is more a kin to just dealing with it in your own context (try to stop comparing to others). I can find contentment within myself, accept the solitude, and get on with quilting and gardening and family (and MN!). Time still goes by.

Just been re-reading these posts, haven't had chance to post anything sooner.
Thanks to everyone with suggestions and sharing their own experiences. Sometimes I think it helps to know you aren't alone in what you've gone through.
I'm considering further counselling but due to being 7 1/2 months pregnant, I don't think it's a good time. Going to spend the next few months focusing on trying to look after myself which is easier said than done!
I hope those of you still struggling find your way through. Apart from the initial realisation that you had an abusive upbringing, I've found the hardest thing is going through life thinking I'm fine and then suddenly I'm not. It can take the smallest thing to trigger it off and I feel like I'm back to square 1 again. Sometimes the thought of trying to pull myself out of it again seems impossible. There isn't any other real option though. I use my own family (DH and DD) as the reason to keep going. It helps when I'm feeling completely worthless. I think I just wish that sometimes I could feel that I'm a good enough person to put the effort in for myself. Maybe that will come in time.