I keep crying and I don't know why and why now

[user1471467982]

For the last few weeks I keep crying. Not bawling just silent tears especially when I'm lying in bed. I don't know if I'm just sad, depressed, or just being a muppet. For the first time ever (in 20years) I've had a good few weeks time off from work which I'm relishing - sharing with DS before he goes to secondary school. We're having the best of times.

Whilst I'm relatively successful in my career, earning good money/industry awards etc I just feel in my core I'm so unhappy. Actually I have such an aversion to being unhappy that I go to great lengths to ensure my close family and friends are never unhappy. Often I think my solution is buying them stuff because I grew up so poor but also I don't really know how to make people happy. What this has meant though is that often I'm drowned by thoughts that everyone around me has treated me really badly. Often as a young child I was left all night to look after my sibling (5 years younger) because my mum had to work nights as a nurse and my dad used it as an opportunity to go out with friends. I became so scared of night noises I'd cry until my mum came back from work the next morning and it was time to go to school. I feel resentful she hit me a lot but never my sister (who I love dearly btw). She blamed me for her divorce. Only in the last few years have I managed to sleep in the house alone and I'm nearly 40! I was an absolutely awful teenager, rude, staying out all night so I really don't blame my mum for not loving me as much as my sister (they get on so much better). Mum also mentioned the other day that it was a waste sending me to private school as it made no difference (even on a bursary it was such a big sacrifice to her on such a low salary). She was encouraged to do it by my school as I was an over achiever and tbh I pushed her too at 11yo because I was so ambitious. But she's been brilliant, helped raise both the kids every day picking them up from school. They're all really close.

I got pregnant at 19 and moved straight out of home with my boyfriend (now husband). I completed my degree with a great result despite being pregnant. as mentioned am doing super well professionally but that was navigating DP cheating on me multiple times, working in a strip club (as security) but never telling me etc. EA/PA/FA you name it. My DD went through it all which i hate myself for.

My DD(20) hates me. Complains I'm never there for her, I'm not friends with her like other mums are with their kids and that even though I earn tonnes of money I only pay for her necessities (honestly this isn't true). I really think (also after reading lots of posts here) she blames me for being weak in my marriage. She was the one that found text messages from OW and handed me the phone.

Lots more crap but for some reason I lm starting to look back on my life. But almost like third person. I feel sad that such a young person (me) just kept on going despite all that sh*t, trying to prove she wasn't a failure and keep everything together. It's like I've been storing this all up.

Lots more but I KNOW it's bloody pathetic and other people have much bigger and way more important things to worry about - I just needed to type this out I think. I don't even really know what I'm expecting anyone to say except "pull yourself together" which I think could help :)

DH not DP. Not that it matters (?!)

Hopefully someone more helpful will be along soon, but I just wanted to say that I sometimes have periods of introspection and regret. I feel like I pottered quite happily through life for a long time, then at a certain age suddenly started focusing on everything that had gone wrong and what I could've done differently. I assumed it was normal but maybe it isn't!

From your post it sounds like you have achieved a lot, and need to recognise your successes.

Despite difficult teenage years you have a good relationship with your mum, and are close to your sister.

Now you have a difficult teenager yourself you're being put to the test, as happens to us all, but she'll come out the other side as you did.

You've succeeded professionally and cannot take the blame for an unfaithful husband.

It's easier said than done, but you can train yourself to think more positively, or to identify what you need now to be happy. Would counselling help?

One other thing regarding your mum. As you have probably found out yourself, we get it wrong sometimes. We assume our kids are fine about something when they're not. We say things that are interpreted in a way we never intended. Maybe a frank discussion with your mum would clear the air. Did she assume you were happy to babysit your sister while she went to work, unaware that you were often frightened? When she said your private education was a waste, is that because she can now see that you would have succeeded anywhere? You won't know unless you ask but I bet she loves you every bit as much as your sister and is prouder than you know.

I think you have just kept going and going (and btw you should be proud) on the proverbial treadmill and now at 40 you are reflecting. A mid life crisis of sorts. Use your money to pay for some really good counselling to work through your feelings and see what you want to do going forward.

I really think you just need to do what makes you happy more, because you have achieved a lot. What you are doing is a reflection of events past and gone, but the future is ahead - focus on that instead of drifting back.

I found the summer between primary and secondary for my son very emotional. Lots of things ending, and the new stuff not yet starting. Found myself tearing up about all sorts of things.

Maybe you should ditch not-so dear h and start living a life for yourself. Get therapy for the childhood abuse.

Firstly well done to you for achieving so much after such a rocky start. That really is an achievement to be proud of.
Secondly you obviously have lots of unresolved issues from the crap way you were patented which are now oversplilling on the way you parent. You would really benefit from some counselling, and that in turn would help how you related to your daughter.
Thirdly you are allowed to be angry with your mother. She may be helping you with your kids now, but by the sound if it she is still making damaging remarks to you, and possibly about you to your kids. She sounds pretty damaged and EA herself, and if possible it might be better to put some space between you.
Are you still with the cheating DP?If so you really do deserve better.
You are right, you have been storing all of this up, well done for being brave enough to come on here and vent. Next step is to get some help to make sense of your past and increase your sense of self worth/self esteem.
Good luck x

I hear you. You are reflecting, it's painful isn't it ?
You've been so very strong, masking your own emotional problems, by trying to prevent others, from their own fate. It won't work.
Be kind to yourself OP, really kind, you so deserve it, you've been through the mill. You are allowed to feel sad as you look back, let it out.
Everyone of us, can relate to you, I know I can.
Also think of all that you have achieved, everything, give yourself a pat on the back.
You've now reached another mile stone, your young son, is starting a new chapter in his life book, your baby is heading his way to manhood, it's a big deal .You will not be made redundant, let me tell you !
As for your daughter, she is just kicking out at life. Maybe try to have a girly day with her, chill out, let her lead the way, listen to her. If she declines, cool, her choice, no cajoling.
Above all else OP, value yourself 💐🌺🌻

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I have been virtually hugged by you all and I'm so grateful. It's helped me feel so much better.

@user1471501988 I think you may be right that perhaps I feel a bit redundant now my baby is off to big school. Providing for my kids has been my fuel so now they're big i think I've run out of fuel and feeling a bit directionless and feeling "what's the point?"

@resilience16 I do think mum is EA and I get angry down times it's just with me. I feel downturns resentful that because she helped so much with DD that DD is so close with her and not with me. Perhaps I was just too young to be any sort of decent mother. I feel ridiculous that it's so important to me she's never said "well done" and I feel even now I try to over achieve, be the perfect daughter just for get approval.

Why do I feel such a lack of self worth? Colleagues and friends would never connect the "outer" with the "inner" me.

Have a Google and see if "golden child and black sheep" resonate with you at all.