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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP treating DC differently

26 replies

AmIwrongForDoingThis · 29/08/2016 00:31

Been with DP 12 years and we have DS who is 3 and DD 17 months. For a while now it has been clear to me that he favours DD over DS and he's getting to the age now where he's starting to notice.

Please tell me if I'm blowing this out of proportion because I'm seriously considering ending the relationship over it.

Some examples: We came back from a restaurant today and once we were in the door DS was trying to tell DP about an accident we had seen, police cars, ambulances turned up yada yada. DP completely ignored him and was busy greeting DD, kissing her and talking to her. DS continued explaining what he had seen and was getting no response. Eventually I stepped in and asked if DP was listening and telling him that he was talking to him. At this point he started to engage with DS.

DD sleeps in her own room as she likes her own space. DS on the other hand still co-sleeps. We are trying to get him to sleep in his own bed. Step one tonight was putting our mattress on the floor next to his so we are still close to him. He woke up really upset asking for a cuddle. DP's response was to go apeshit, shouting at him, saying no I don't want to cuddle you, if you wake your sister up I will put you in the garden and all this crap. He ended up getting out of bed and leaning over, his body almost on top of DS, yelling and shaking his fist. DS hit his head in the commotion. Apparently because he didn't hit him and it was an accident I'm making a big deal out of nothing?

I lost it at this point and hauled DS downstairs to sleep with me on the sofa. DP then had a go at me saying that DS will never respect him if he knows I'll always defend him, his behaviour is getting worse and it's all my fault etc.

Was I in the wrong? How do I best deal with this without splitting my family up?

OP posts:
TheSparrowhawk · 29/08/2016 00:43

He shouted and shook his fist at a crying child, plus you have a strong suspicion that he hit him - he at least hurt him by being so wound up and rough. The question of who he 'favours' is totally irrelevant. He is not safe around children. He may need help to deal with his feelings or he may need to fuck off. You are the one protecting your son so you need to decide that.

zolalola · 29/08/2016 00:45

What a nasty horrible cunt!!
Your poor DS after this show of behaviour LTB

Original poster
AmIwrongForDoingThis · 29/08/2016 00:49

I'm 99.9% sure he didn't hit him. He often gets really worked up but isn't physically violent. It was more due to it being dark and DS knowing he was standing over him, angry, I think DS tried to move out of his way and hit his head.

Not that that makes it any better at all. It doesnt, but DP thinks it does as he didn't intentionally hurt him. Yeah that's ok then HmmAngry

OP posts:
TheSparrowhawk · 29/08/2016 00:52

So he thinks the fact that his child was hurt while trying to escape from being threatened and frightened by him is absolutely fine?

Alisvolatpropiis · 29/08/2016 00:54

That isn't okay. At all.

OrsonWellsHat · 29/08/2016 00:58

Jesus, what a nasty twat. Read up on the golden child and the scape goat, I suspect this is what he's doing. It's very damaging to a child's emotional development, self esteem and well being.

Original poster
AmIwrongForDoingThis · 29/08/2016 01:00

Now he's admitted he did push DS but DS went to move at the same time and that's why he hit his head. Fuck sake. I can't believe this is happening.

OP posts:
OrsonWellsHat · 29/08/2016 01:01

Plus he clearly has an anger problem. You are not overreacting at all.

Original poster
AmIwrongForDoingThis · 29/08/2016 01:03

I have to get out of here but I've no idea how. What do I do? I've no money. Nowhere to go Sad

If he admitted he was in the wrong we could maybe salvage it but he refuses point blank to admit anything is his fault.

Fuck.

OP posts:
Alisvolatpropiis · 29/08/2016 01:26

Oh lovely, is there nobody you can call?

MiniMum97 · 29/08/2016 01:26

Go to Citizens Advice to get some advice on moving out/benefits etc. Do you have any family or friends that could help you while you get on your feet?

MiniMum97 · 29/08/2016 01:28

Would he go to counselling? Perhaps he needs to hear from a third party that his behaviour is completely unacceptable?

somekindofmother · 29/08/2016 01:28

do u have family you could stay with?
cuddle ur boy tonight and make a plan tomorrow

DH does show unequal treatment of our boys. he favours our eldest. I pull him on it all the time. he hates himself for it but he genuinely doesn't know how to engage with an 18mo, and was actually quite similar with ds1 at that age so I know he'll improve as ds2 gets older. I couldn't tolerate behaviour like ur oh has demonstrated tonight, your poor boy doesn't deserve that Sad he's still only a baby. ds1 slept with us until he was 3.5ish, often needing a cuddle in the night.

DeusExDomina · 29/08/2016 03:20

I might be the only one here but I'd be calling the police and stopping him from having contact with my kids. It's extreme but he hurt your son in anger.

PirateFairy45 · 29/08/2016 03:51

What a knob head.

ShebaShimmyShake · 29/08/2016 07:03

I can see this bellend waking up the daughter with his screaming and shouting and blaming the son for it. Is it possible your son still co sleeps and requires hugs at night because his father's favouritism makes him so insecure?

I suspect that as the daughter grows up he'll also become pretty shitty once she reaches that age and no longer acts the adoring little princess all the time.

kittybiscuits · 29/08/2016 07:47

He is physically violent! I've experienced this behaviour - splitting - where the relationship with one child is idealised and one blamed for everything. It's awful and did not end well. It's as abusive of the idealised child as of the child who seems to take the brunt. I think putting some space between your H and you/your DCs would be a good place to start. He should not be around your children.

Sassypants82 · 29/08/2016 07:56

I'm on the train into work, your post just made me well up. I've a ds the same age & the thought of him (or your do, or any little child) being treated like that is heartbreaking. You obviously know yourself. The best of luck, your situation thoroughly deserves my first ever LTB.

hownottofuckup · 29/08/2016 08:05

I think if you want to salvage your DC's MH and their relationship with you and each other, you need to sort this out now.
My DB went through similar, he is now an adult, an alcoholic and refuses to have anything to do with his DM as although she spent his whole childhood being on 'his' side' (to the detriment of her marriage) it actually wasn't enough.

parlezvousfrancais · 29/08/2016 08:10

Shock Your poor little DS!

You need to leave "D"P.

My heart is breaking for your son Sad

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/08/2016 08:38

There is no coming back from this and your relationship is now well and truly over. End the relationship and get him out of your lives. You are seeing what he really is; a nasty sod who does not really want a child who is not biologically his.

Your son's life is being made a misery by this man and your son hit his head in the course of this man trying to hit him.

He will also go onto completely ruin the relationship your son (who is seen by your man as the scapegoat) has with his sister (the golden child) if he is allowed to at all remain in the home. He should not be around either child. Also you run the risk of estrangement from your son in the long term should you at all remain with this man.

This man needs to be gone from your life as of now; better to be apart than to be together with him picking on your son also because he is not his biological child. People like your man as well never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

Womens Aid will help you here on 0808 2000 247. I would also consider calling the police.

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 29/08/2016 08:44

Attila I think he is biological father to both dc if they've been together 12 years and ds is only 3.

Planetmuff · 29/08/2016 08:47

All the people saying "get this man out of your life" you do know he won't be out of the kids life. In fact 50/50 residency is up to him as courts now use this as a starting point. Proving this man assaulted his son and stopping access is almost impossible.

Believe me I know.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/08/2016 08:54

You are correct shouldwe, of course both children are his but he is still a nasty sod for favouring one child over the other (thus ruining their own relationship in the process). He is treating his son as a scapegoat for all his inherent ills whilst the daughter is worshipped by him (itself a role not without price).

There is really no coming back from this.

DownTownAbbey · 29/08/2016 09:42

Probably not in the most objective frame of mind as my 9 yo DS has been sobbing this morning because he doesn't want to go on holiday with his DF but what a cunt! Am appalled and shaken on your behalf!

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