stuck between mother and DH

[user1472402339]

Hi first ever post so be gentle with me !

My mother feels I don't consider her feelings enough, so does my DH, I am childish selfish and self centred, those are my good points.

My DH is unreasonable by nature, but in the past he has done his best to join in with my family to please me, over the years he has become increasingly fed up with my double standards and always putting my family before him, I understand why he says double standards as I would not apply the same rules to his family as mine, ie if his mother phoned I would consider it a pain, if mine called I would chat for hours, if my mother was rude about him I wouldn't correct her, if his mother was rude about me I know he would tell her where to go.
He now no longer does any of the family stuff with my parents, and I don't know how to make it better.

Meanwhile my mother basically blames him, she cannot come around my house, she dosen't feel comfortable, she cannot call in case he answers the phone, she worries if I tell her what my plans are (i'm a bit eratic) I am on anti depressants she claims this worries her as I am unstable.

Help I don't know who to sort out, me, my husband or my mum.

So basically from your OP your husband has made an effort with your family, done nothing wrong but you wouldn't defend him but expect him to defend him.

You put others feelings in front of his.

Your DH has a wife problem.

From what you've written there it doesn't sound like your DH is being unreasonable - it doesn't sound like you make any effort with his family but you've spent years expecting him to make a lot of effort with your family?

On your summary, the problem is neither your mum nor your DH, but you. Can you see how it reads like that?

"He now no longer does any of the family stuff with my parents, and I don't know how to make it better."

Why not start by making the same effort with his family as he's been making with yours over the years?

Afraid that it was a wife problem, I've spent so long blaming him for everything I forgot to look at myself, I have stopped giving him a hard time when he no longer joins in but I don't know how to make things better we or I am at stalemate.
And I feel my mother is piling on the guilt, she apparently just wants to be a normal family, but I suspect its a family that is her idea of normal

It's more complicated I can't make an effort with his family as he no longer see them another kettle of fish, and my parents said they would support him when he took that decision, but he feels they used it as an opportunity to push in to our life more, I guess I was only too happy to see mine and not his.

I have to admit then it is my doing, didnt want to hear that but I need too.

How do I make things better ?

How about you tell him you are sorry, and that you will start putting your relationship first?

And do it.

How do I make it better without them DH and mum even talking, plus my mum thinks its all him so I have a very long way to go with her before she gets it.

He has said I need to sort it, and if I don't he will, he would and it would not be pretty he is a large man with a booming voice who doesn't mince his words.

I guess I am coming across as being pathetic, butt I genuinely don't know what to do for the best the last time I tried I miss read the whole thing and made it all worse.

I am more than willing to see I have been an arse for many years.

You need to come up with phrases to use as appropriate.

"Mum I will not listen to you slag off X."

"Mum, please butt out."

"Mum, this is a decision for X and I."

"Mum, I am an adult woman."

"Mum I love you but think that you have been unreasonable."

And so on.

It sounds tough for your H.

Thanks, for too long I have left DH to it.

I just had a call from my mum where she told me off about how bad I was making her feel and a splattering of blaming DH, and how good they have been to DH etc etc, and it got me thinking hang on none of this is his fault, I am un thinking so a fair few points of her point towards me were probably fair, but basically she just told me off until she had got it all off her chest not a conversation just a telling off like I was a little child, and the bit that really made me wake up was the facet she only called cos he was out a fact she clearly stated along with the old well I can't come round, I can't call, she seems to get me in the position of told off child and I feel I have to please her, hence DH not getting support from me as I have turned right back into a kid.

You need to be on your husbands side and ask your mother to back off.

Work out boundaries with you dh and then apply those to your mother.

Eg, you won't discuss certain subjects.
You limited the time you speak on the phone to an agreed Time
You only praise dh to her. 'Lovely dh bought me flowers. Isn't he wonderful '

Go have a look at the stately homes thread. Sounds like you have a lot to think about. But yes, your dh comes first.