It can't just be me is it???

[noname1233]

I've never posted on here before but hopefully someone will be able to help me work through this

My DH has always been stressy and has a very stressful job (own business long hours but his own company and what he's always wanted to do)
Every so often we will have an episode ehere he is stressed and doesn't say anything til over something trivial he explodes and says all kinds of horrid things (which he later admits he doesn't mean, just says in heat of the moment)
Then afterwards he thinks nothing of it and carry a on as normal, but I always remember everything and can't help but worry about next time

We have 2 DC, 4 and 6 mths. Since no 1 it has been ocaddionslly stressful as I went part time at work and work a bit for DH company (something I've never done before and don't completely know what I'm doing but thought was doing ok, there are somethings outstanding but need him to help me with, but get told I can't do things and should get sacked, which might be better but I want to contribute and be part of it)
I like the house to be clean and tidy, washing done, home made food etc, so try my hardest to stay on top of things and usually do unless we have a bad day. The house has always been an issue that I get nagged about, DH does nothing but that's fair enough as he does long hours but I just wish I could mKe him see that looking after two children is a job in itself and can be hard, yes I get to go out and do stuff with them and take to groups etc, but I don't do anything for myself really and am always on 'duty'. He is mega stressed at the moment but bottles it all up and shouts about things like cleaning rather than talk about the problem, telling me I'm not organised and incapable of helping him by managing the house. There is now extra stress as relative has got to have emergency operation next week and is all uncertain til we know results of that

Trouble is anything I say goes on deaf ears or starts an argument. This morning resulted in him throwing things and breaking stuff, while I was BF little one and just before other one got up
The more I try and talk the more it's like putting fuel on the fire , it's like he needs to burst into tears and be told it's alright but that just isn't his style
I feel like I have turned into a doormat and just take any threats thrown at me, maybe I should have said years ago ok then I'll go when he threatens to leave, but I know ultimately that isn't what he'd want and when things get ok again it's all fine and he starts talking about next years holiday etc, as if nothing happened, plus we have two lovely children and are generally happy together, it's just that I'm the only person he lets see the cross side unless he's really on one, so can't get anyone else to tell him he's got things out of proportion without making him more angry about having told people his business
I know people may just say LTB, but that would be the worst thing at the moment with everything that is happening, I just need a way to get him to see things from my point if view that I am constantly looking after everyone, cleaning, tidying etc
After having DC2 things went back to normal overnight with me doing everything and probably too much, and if I ever asked for help I was told I wSnt coping, when actually I was Coping really well as my family is miles away

I think we could do with some kind of counselling, but he would never go, hates anyone else knowing his business, plus if no one else knows it's like it justified the explosions. A few years ago I called his bluff about divorcing and arranged to go somewhere earlier than planned in my own with dc1, then he said that by telling someone is made it 'real' as he didn't mean it was just ranting

I can't keep doing this but don't know what to do, I just wish I could have a conversation and make him see what I can see and he's being unreasonable and that I do try so hard to do everything,

Abuse is about having power and control, it is not about a lack of communication. If discussion and compromise could help in any way most domestic violence situations would be long ago resolved because victims of abuse "discuss and compromise" constantly. The victim has always 'cooperated' with the abuser; the abuser never cooperates.

It sounds silly as I write it but it really is very good when it's good but bad when it's horrid? We have 2 lovely children that I want to have parents working together bringing them up and giving them the opportunities they are having so far, he loves them very much and would do anything for them, and me if it came to it but it shouldn't have to take a crisis to get empathy from him. I just don't want to burn my bridges and cause a lot of upset all round until I really think it's what needs doing, we have lots of friends and enjoy doing stuff together, some of my friends know what he can be like. It sounds bad but I almost wish I could trick him into behaving like he does in front of someone else without realising as u think he'd be embarrassed and actually shocked at himself and would hate for his family to realise what he can be like
I know I should hVe been harder on him earlier on rather than just ignoring behaviour rather than confronting, his DM has a tendency to explode and say stuff she knows isn't true in the heat of the moment that is then all forgotten, which is probably where it comes from

I don't know what to do but just telling me to leave isn't at all helping.
He has threatened to leave in the past but I know doesn't mean it as then almost the same conversation we go back to talking about pensions or something in the future

I think he had ideas about how it would be like with me helping him but doesn't realise that he needs to communicate for me to be able to be a part of stuff like the business

I think I am going to muddle along and see what comes of the next week or so

Your 2 kids are not going to be having much fun growing up with an explosive Dad, are they?

I think I need to give him an ultimatum of realising what he does and stopping or we are all off

Hopefully when he realises how much it would disrupt our eldest dc he will think twice, as ultimately I don't think he wants it to be like this

Does that make me sound like a drip making excuses? We have been together 13 years so have a lot invested together and I do know what makes him tick

He can only have one last chance, so if you are going to issue an ultimatum you HAVE to carry it through, no ifs or buts and excuses

From the outside, to be honest, it sounds as though you have said "I am willing to continue like this as long as the DCs are OK" To me that sounds as though you are settling for a less than loving relationship.

But we don't know him, just your snapshot of him... and you said yourself you were very frustrated when you posted.

But... if you read your OP back with 'Sheila' instead of you... what advice would you want to give Sheila?

noname

re your comment:-

"Hopefully when he realises how much it would disrupt our eldest dc he will think twice, as ultimately I don't think he wants it to be like this

Does that make me sound like a drip making excuses? We have been together 13 years so have a lot invested together and I do know what makes him tick"

You are making excuses for him.

That whole last sentence sounds awfully like the "sunken costs fallacy" that is common in relationships. That simply causes people to keep on making poor relationship decisions. We think of our years together in a relationship as a cost or specifically a sunk cost. So when we think of breaking up, we say to ourselves ,“I can’t break up. No way am I going to waste the years of relationships we had together.”

By continuing the relationship, we think that we can redeem all of that ‘wasted’ years.

But we fail to heed the trite adage – the damage is done.

We shouldn’t proceed with our decision on breaking up based on how many years or how much of our emotions we invested in a relationship; they are irrelevant.

It’s the future that matters, not the past.

I asked you what you get out of this relationship; the fact that you did not answer that question suggests an awful lot.

If you issue an ultimatum to your H it can only be issued once. You must be fully prepared to follow it through if you do this, if you do not do this it loses all its power. Do not ever make an ultimatum to him if you are not prepared to see it through properly.

Re your comment:-

"It sounds bad but I almost wish I could trick him into behaving like he does in front of someone else without realising as u think he'd be embarrassed and actually shocked at himself and would hate for his family to realise what he can be like"

He is far too clever to drop his nice act like that although I would think one or two of your friends have their own suspicions about your H.

I don't think his mother would be all that surprised; that is precisely where he got this set of behaviours from. She cannot be at all relied upon; she would likely choose her son and believe him over you.

Your children will primarily learn about relationships from their parents; is this really what you want to teach them. Look at what his mother taught your now husband?. You cannot fully protect them from his abuses of you.

I didn't read your question about what I get out of it and what I see

I see an extremely stressed out man who for some reason feels the need to carry the weight of the world on his shoulders rather than talk about what worries him, who works all the hours there are to provide for his family, but he is extremely unreasonable at times and very stubborn.

I get a nice home and family, the opportunity to not work that much so I can raise our children, shared interests, friendship and fun most of the time though things have got more strained since we have had 2 and we haven't made time for each other but it is hard

Op, if you leave now you will never have your own 'closure, in finished business, I didn't try hard enough' but let me tell you exactly what I think.

Soon your will hit breaking point. I wrote like you just last year. I KNEW subconsciously that his behaviour was wrong, so do you hun otherwise you wouldn't be here.

I understand you wanting to protect him, because you have not quite got to the end of your tether yet but soon, he will be saying all the 'excuses' that your telling yourself now and you will see right through it.

If a man doesn't not want anyone to find out about his behaviour it's because he Knows it wrong. A true honest person is almost like an open book, yes you can tell people what I've done because they will also finish the same sentence with what I did to make it better and that I learnt my lesson and it will never happen again. He can't let you tell anyone because he KNOWS he's going to do it again and again.

I have only just come to realise that just because he is a good father that doesn't mean I turn a blind eye to how he treats me,

So what did you do?

What rights would I have financially?

noname

I asked you what you get out of this relationship, there is nothing there about your own needs like mutual respect or feeling loved. What emotional needs of yours does he meet, from what I see he meets none of your needs at all. He gets what he wants out of this; you to shout at.

He also thinks that you are there to serve him; you're all bit part players to this Big Man who explodes (like his mother does) and breaks things at home. He does this because he can and feels entitled to do so; his working long hours are a red herring. He does not want to help you with the running of his business but threatens to sack you instead. You work hard and do not do these things to him. Its not ok for him to do this to you and in turn your children.

I would imagine that his nose was well and truly put out of joint when you gave birth to your first child and that resentment further intensified when you had your second child.

What did you yourself learn about relationships when growing up?.

I also think that if you were to carefully look at this more you would realise that the "good times" are far fewer and further between and that those happen on his terms. You are really jumping to his tune, you try and avoid his next blowout by walking on eggshells (aka living in fear) and modifying your own behaviours.

He learnt all this from his parents, his mother in particular. BTW you never mentioned his dad; is he still around?.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships, what are they learning here from you two?. Think very carefully about the lessons that you are both imparting to these very impressionable young children of yours.

You have a choice re this man OP; your children do not.

I would seek legal advice from a Solicitor re property, children and finances.

You do not have to act on this information straight away but knowledge is power. Also forewarned is forearmed.

I doubt very much that your H would at all be reasonable re the marriage ending. He would probably make any separation as long and protracted as possible as a "punishment" to you. He would not want to let go of you at all easily; his power and control over you is something he really does not want to let go of.

On a purely practical point, you say you work for his company as well as trying to cope with the children and the home. So how do you think he'd react if you said that you will only continue working for him if you can employ a cleaner a couple of days a week? If the cleaner could also be employed in his business, the cost could be absorbed by the company. (Hope there aren't any HMRC people reading this!) This might take a little of the stress off you if he's leaving all that to you.

Op i wasted many years walking on eggshells around my dh. There will always be work related stress, relatives getting sick, shit happens, it is no excuse for him to behave like this. I am still with my dh, but things didn't begin to improve for us until i was ready to end it. Resentment built up until i was about ready to explode and i told him to shape up or ship out, and i meant it. Things aren't perfect but i dont take any shit from him any more. If he starts i let him know he is being a dick and i won't put up with it. Don't make excuses op, dont tiptoe around him, don't allow him to behave like this, things will not improve until you let him know his behaviour is totally unacceptable.

I agree with deadringer. You are in a pattern of behaviour with him and he is getting away with his behaviour. Next time he starts you let rip. Tell him to knock it off right now you are not putting up with this for one more minute and mean it.
Stand tall and let fly. Do not pussyfoot or try to argue or convince him. Just say knock this off right now and don't you dare speak to me like that again. He needs shocking. He is getting away with dreadful behaviour.

If there is any danger of him hitting you do not do this for your own safety.

I think leaving him with the intent of being open to him getting counselling and CHANGING is an option. He needs to know that you mean it, you need space from him to parent without treading on eggshells. He needs to realise what he has to stand to lose if he doesn't change his ways.

He is an abuser - you may not admit this, but he is. The only acceptable level of abuse is zero. He may only do this 5% of the time, but that is 5% too much. Of course he will be nice other times. Why else would anyone stay with an abuser. You cannot change him, counsel him or excuse his disgraceful behaviour.

Why you think him throwing stuff around while you are feeding a baby - well in what world would that ever be acceptable? What example are you setting your DC - because they will model their relationships on what you show them now. Do you want them to be abusers/abused themselves?

And you never, ever have joint counselling with an abuser btw.

He was shouting and throwing stuff around whilst you breast fed your baby??? Jesus fucking Christ!!!

I'm not saying it's acceptable , it's far from it
It's just that right now with everything going on I need to handle the situation rather than inflame it worse, He really is struggling with everything that's going on, I'm not making excuses, but there is no point trying to discuss anything til stress levels go down

You can't 'handle' an abuser. I don't care how much he is struggling, his behaviour is no ok and could be dangerous. You need to stop minimising or worrying about making it worse. How could you make this worse, does he blame you for his outbursts? You cannot discuss with an abuser - all you can do is leave.