My life looks glossy and fabulous but I'm so sad and feel like my life is a waste

[Purisett]

I'm 31. I have a beautiful home that I bought two years ago. My friends comment on it and I enjoy being in it. I love making it nice and homely. But I'm alone mostly in it and it hurts so much.

I have a good job and I enjoy it most of the time. This means I also have a reasonable income and have spare money to buy a new lipstick or go for nice lunches.

I don't have a great relationship with my family, but I know they are there.

Despite all this I'm so unhappy. Because all I've ever wanted is a family. I hate having spare bedrooms with no child in it. I hate that my beautiful home is just for me. I often feel guilty and sad about this. I don't need the extra space. I don't need an above average income. My life feels like a waste.

When I first moved in a few months ago I didn't mind being on my own. In fact it was great to do up my home and make all the choices myself. But last week I bought some cushion covers for the seats at the dining table and when I got back I just thought what's the point?? I'm here alone most of the time anyway. No child to care for. No husband to come back to. All my money is spent on me and I've started to feel guilty about this and I would do anything to have a proper family without all these plus points. I would swap the nice home and job and money for a family in a second.

I have some good friends but they are all married or engaged, or at the least live with their OH. I don't want to be told to 'get some single friends' as I make friends with people because of who they are and not whether they are in a relationship... Also despite what people think most people are in relationships by my age, that's just how it is.

I feel low. I was on Match a year ago and then when I bought my house i stopped. I didn't meet anyone I was crazy about and im reluctant to try it again. I did have some nice dates.

I don't know what I want from this really. I just feel like everything I have would be better given to someone who has a family and financial demands and can share it all.

Lovely home not him!

You are responsible for your own happiness. A husband and children may not make you happy. Get out there and make the most of life. Treat meeting a partner like a career - it needs working at. Join a running club - lots of men. Get back online and have safe fun. It will happen but if it doesn't at least you an say you had a good time. Look at activity holidays - cycling dos the Andes with a solo group. Join Meet.

Don't be afraid to do it alone! A lot of people are 'You're only 31,' but when I was that age, my clock was going off big time and there was no way to shut it off. I'm glad I didn't put it off much longer than that because after having DD1, I wanted more than 1 child.

I wish you luck having a child but you have so many years left.

I wouldn't make it the be all and end all to seek a partner however. In my personal experience they are largely a waste of time (after 4 long term relationships!).

There is nothing wrong with having a child alone these days although admittedly it does need the requisite donor!

I can understand why you would seek fulfillment to have a child but not a partner. It really isn't all it is cracked up to be. I expect plenty of others will come on now and dispute this but that is my personal opinion.

Good luck though.

" I don't want to be told to 'get some single friends' as I make friends with people because of who they are and not whether they are in a relationship... "

Yes, but you might have lots in common with single people. You can still keep your original friends, but you'd find people to go out with while the smug marrieds are watching DVDs.

Why not join meetup or something? I'm jealous of your nice house. You could use it for parties and/or host foreign students in your spare room.

I do know how you feel though. I was looking at bed covers that would suit my bedroom yesterday and though "what's the point, nobody will ever see them?"

OP I understand all this as I was like it. So what did I do? I married the wrong guy, had a baby, felt totally trapped, marriage went wrong and I ended up divorced and not seeing my baby all the time

My friends who did as you are got married later to the right person as they waited for him!

I haven't read the full thread but trust that it will happen for you,

Would you consider adopting or fostering?

You might well be alone forever.

It's unlikely, but possible.

And what jf you were?

There are far, far worse things that being single.

I like this :)

Could you join on line dating again with the intention of going on dates rather than hoping to meet a life partner?

I do think sometimes men around your age are a big frightened of commitment and run a mile If a woman hints at wanting to settle down and start a family.

Is there anything you would like to do hobby wise.
Think about what makes you happy.
Join a book club
Sewing club
Running clu
Gym
Walking club.
Darts team

There are lots and lots of things to do to fill your time.

Could you volunteer somewhere.

Don't think of this in terms of meeting a partner, think about doing it for yourself.

Also you have lots of time to have a child if that is really what you want.

Please do not rush into a relationship and gaving a child, that U.S. the last thing you need

I understand how you feel OP

I'm pretty sure there's a bloke out there feeling exactly the same as you right now. You just haven't met him yet, but I bet you will.

I think when you get to the point of thinking 'why have four chairs?' then really, there is a danger that life is going to pass you by! Surely friends, family, anyone could sit on them!!!

I know it's easy to say, I've also been 30 and no sniff of a serious relationship.

The one thing that was said to me though which resonated in your post, is that I didn't really give men a chance. I'd go on one date, have a good time, then think 'hmmm, I'm not sure' and just bin them. You don't need to go on second dates all the time, but when you keep starting things but losing interest, it's interesting to ask yourself if it is that the right man hasn't come along, or is it that you aren't really giving yourself a chance to open up and let someone in. I'm not saying lower your standards by the way, this only applies if you are stuck in a pattern of being a bit of a perfectionist in your life and ending up liking no-one.

I agree with whoever said at 31 you have everything going for you. Match and OLD can be a bit brutal and lead you to feel bad about yourself, so I wouldn't make that the only way to find someone.

But if you sit home every weekend admiring your cushions, and feeling lonely, now is definitely the time to do something else, whether or not it leads to a partner/children (as this is not guaranteed whatever you do).

Don't waste the freedom you have now yearning for the inflexibility of life with children.The world is your oyster. Go and swallow it whole with Guinness to follow and bring as many friends with you as you can.I'm sure you have a lot more to contribute to the world than replicating your genes and doing endless rounds of laundry. So do it.

I agree with Fine. I think there is always sacrifice and nothing in life comes free. Children means the lost of your freedom, having a partner means a lot of compromise, the price you have to pay for companionship and family warmth. There's always occasions when you looked back and thinking..'is this it?' and I think that is true whichever path you take. You can be married with children but find yourself with the wrong partner or you can be single with a brilliant career and realized that it is not worth it. Enjoy life whilst you can, don't waste it on yearning

My friend was in the same situation as you until just over a year ago at the age of 35 she met a man who she is now engaged to and expecting their first baby. They marry next year. He came along when she least expected it, she thought she would never have a baby.

I can imagine it feels like you are alone in this but the truth is you're not. My sister is in a similar position (but older and unlikely to have children now partly due to age' partly her health) and she found the coming home to an empty house the hardest. The desire to come home and offload to someone without needing to make the effort to arrange it. Having to make all the decisions on her own. She has a wide circle of friends and company is the issue, it's companionship.
My family spend a lot of time with her. She loves being around us, the hustle and bustle, the laughs, sharing meals etc. And when it's shitty (3 teenagers, peri menopausal sister and sometimes temperamental BIL!) she just goes home. But, still goes home to an empty house.
She got a dog last year and that has alleviated some of the loneliness and has widen her circle but it's still not the same.
Travelling sounds great on paper but, again, doing it alone is hard. And she has done loads - South America, Australia, Africa, to name a few. She has done some amazing things - bungee jumping, helicopter rides, abseiling, parachute jump, quad biking over the desert, etc.

She has had down times and we include in as much as we can but, of course, there are times when we want to just be us 5. It's hard.

I feel for you but would say (easy, I know) try not to project too much into the future and enjoy what you are doing now. Are there things you would like to try but have been unsure of in the past that you'd be willing to do now? Courses, sport, theatre, concerts, etc?

Don't bottle it up, keep talking to people (online or RL) and do your best.

If you are at the stage where you think that your chairs are wasted because you live alone then you need to give yourself a stern talking-to.

Imagine Mary Berry, or someone else older and friendly-but-tough, telling you to pull yourself together.

If you are worried that your chairs are lonely then invite some people round for lunch. Or use them to build a fort.

I know exactly what you are saying and where are you coming from but the biggest loophole in the entire thought process is the fact that you still seem prioritise the fantasy of Mr Right over reality.

If your priority is to have a family - make it your priority. You wouldn't just wait for the job matching your requirement to fall into your life. Don't pine for men who give the vibe of unavailability - that's equivalent to pining for a job your overqualified for. You will recognise these are usually the guys who make you feel guilty for bringing up kids and family early on, think the tall handsome type round 32, gets all uncomfortable when you mention making plans 2 weeks ahead.

I was exactly where you are about a year ago - I think at the very least you should really try to date someone even if you're not that crazy about them to build up your self esteem in dating.

When I was your age and single I bought my own home and didn't like living alone so I rented out two rooms and it worked really well financially, I never felt lonely and there was a new dimension to my social life.

Many years on I am a single parent to children with sn and I yearn to be on my own in my own space doing what I want when I want. I wish I had used my time at your age more wisely eg I could have got fit, studied or travelled. I don't wish I had found a man.

Having said that, I do understand as if I really was on my own I would probably feel the emptiness too.

I know a lot of women who had children later in life and a few women who are married and childless and others who are single with full lives. There is not one way to be happy.

If you really want to be with someone then I think you will have to give online dating another go, maybe with a different mindset.

Honestly I wouldn't bother with online dating especially as you're doing so well for yourself in life.

Get a hobby like running or martial arts, meet men naturally instead of dating randoms off the Internet.

Single women are statistically happier then married women. Please don't get stuck with a cocklodger who ends up married to you and entitled to half of your house because you're feeling lonely.

It's harder being lonely in a relationship then it is being lonely while single.

OP you are in a great place! You know what you want and you have the means to get what you want. You need a catalyst to do something about it and it seems the chair cushions were getting you there!

Go out dating and meeting new people through activities. If and when you want a relationship and family enough, then you would naturally take the risk of dating.

I know it might sound a bit daft but why don't you get a cat? i was alone for 10 years before getting married and quite honestly my cats were the best thing that ever happened to me.

bikerlou A cat?, you serious all you are to a cat is a member of its staff constantly at its beck and call! Well that's what our moggie thinks treats this place like a restaurant!.

A dog is what you need a man's bast mate can be a woman's too you know;_)

0dfod Pagan eh?, my eldest went out with a bloke who's mum was a white witch always wanted to meet her to see what they got up to, sounds more fun than most other pastimes!. She split with whim before i got the chance:-(

I know how you feel as I feel the same and I'm roughly the same age as you.

I wouldn't waste your time and money by going on match again. Most of the guys are also on the free sites now. I find tinder the most fun and user friendly. I would download the free dating apps if I were you. If you're single and they're free you may as well be on some of them as you have nothing to lose. You will feel better being proactive. It hasn't happened to me (yet!) but recently several of my friends who've been long term single have had success which is inspiring and gives me hope.

Agree with pp who said get a lodger. One of my friends did this. They all became friends, which in itself is an advantage, but the last one is now her partner.