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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He is in the spare room - again

14 replies

Monkeytrousers · 31/01/2007 19:36

I'm going to the CAB asap.

He agreed to go to Relate but as a consequence he's moved into the spare room. He was there anyway as me and DS had flu so were sleeping together so he could get some sleep, but he's decided as he was forced into the Relate decision (it was a compromise on both our parts) we are again separated until Relate changes things, if it does at all.

It's like living with Kevin the teenager!

OP posts:

Greensleeves · 31/01/2007 19:37

Well, let him have his infantile sulk if he wants to. At least if he does come to Relate you might start tackling things.

Sorry to hear things are hard

Original poster

Monkeytrousers · 31/01/2007 19:43

Thanks Greeny.

God I feel like such a sap, you are all going to loose patience with me soon I know.

OP posts:

VeniVidiVickiQV · 31/01/2007 19:51

He was forced into going to relate? How was that then?

Greensleeves · 31/01/2007 20:02

No, no-one will lose patience with you this is what MN is here for!

I haven't been to Relate but I know people who have been really surprised at how much can be achieved. I hope that's the case for you.

Original poster

Monkeytrousers · 31/01/2007 20:09

Who know what starnge logic goes on inside his head.

Actually he said, and I kid you not, "if I disclosed how I really feel about you to a third person I think that would be the end."

To which I answered, then why are you still here? Maybe it's because if you disclosed the reasons for your position to a third person you would have to admit they were just mad

OP posts:

VeniVidiVickiQV · 31/01/2007 20:24

MT, I can see you are abbreviating, and I clearly dont know the whole story...but, I am wondering what his redeeming features are, and why the hell you are still putting up with that kind of attitude?

Must be v draining for you.

Original poster

Monkeytrousers · 31/01/2007 21:06

He is a good worker and provides for us. I could never dispute that but he brings none of his emotions. It never used to be like that, I just think he gets very easily stressed and switches himself 'off', as it were.

But it is very hard to live with someone like that, to envision a happy future with them.

I stay with him for DS. I grew up in poverty, I really couldn't do that to him.

OP posts:

VeniVidiVickiQV · 31/01/2007 21:08

THats a really scant reason for staying together.

I dont think, if DP is a good provider, your DS will live in poverty if you split up.

Original poster

Monkeytrousers · 31/01/2007 21:12

Well these are the things we'll be talking about at Relate.

We are just at the point where we can't say a word to each other without it being misinterpreted, so maybe it's best that we just don't say anything.

OP posts:

motherinferior · 31/01/2007 21:15

Darling, I hope Relate goes well.

And I agree with VVV about the poverty bit.

Original poster

Monkeytrousers · 31/01/2007 21:25

Ta hun

OP posts:

forestfern · 02/02/2007 00:58

Dear MKT. I am very sad, though not surprised, to hear this news. You are an intelligent woman. Do you not have the means to support the child/.children ? if things don?t work out? If not ? it is never too late to train in something that interests you. I can tell that you have brains.

You might remember my situation. I am very worn out two years on ? as you said - your opinion was spot on! I do not want to repeat my story again, please don?t give away any details as I still cannot believe how serious my situation became! I did move to Switzerland and am returning in March after one year. Things cannot be resolved and I am missing my work. My husband will visit at the weekends ? to see his daughter - but overall ? it will be a necessary shift in the living and real-life relationships. I just cannot take more of the same. I am fortunate in that I can support my child with my work ? I did my training and worked for many years in the area before the marriage and child scenario.

We went to 25 sessions of Relate at some cost! Be careful. They may just sit on the fence. ?I see his point? ?I see her point?. Do not be undermined by that. I do think that predominantly they feel that their job is to keep marriages together. ?If you are decided ? why come to us?? ? sort of thing. Which is fair enough. Also ? be careful not to do all the talking. Often the one that hurts the most tends to spill out ? which you might have done many times already ? thinking that at last they might be ?heard? ? maybe still the right people are not listening ? and then it is all over ? and you are none the wiser! Just be a bit careful to let him do some of the work. I am sure that you have done loads already!

My daughter has slept with me with husband in the next room - for the past year ? so I cannot comment on that. I just prefer it that way. She likes it that way too, of course.

I hope that Relate manages to unfreeze his emotions. He maybe does love you a lot ? but you cannot try and fight forever. You deserve to be happy.

I will watch this space. I am not on here much but I will be thinking of you. Take care of yourself and listen carefully to what he says. Don?t allow any sessions separately. I was manipulated by doing this only one time ? as the counsillor feared, although we had to have one each ? I certainly did not reciprocate that attitude. Maybe that speaks volumes in itself.

Don?t do all the work!!

Original poster

Monkeytrousers · 04/02/2007 16:12

Hi ForestFern. Yes, I do remember you and your awful dilemma. I'm really glad you seem to be coming out of the other side, you sound stronger for it; a platitude, but true non the less. I'll take your advice re Relate.

I really don't have any means to support DS at the moment but I am never short of an idea or two. I went back to university when me and dp got together, before that I was an actor - now in that industry, I'll just be 6 years older plus the fact that I don't have an agent anymore and no 'real' skills to speak of. I had a great time in my 20s, but am paying for it now. I'm toying with the idea of doing a management course and have started getting the child benefit paid into a different account (so wish I'd done that 2 years ago!)

BTW, did your DH address any of his own problems?

and thanks

OP posts:

forestfern · 04/02/2007 22:19

Management option sounds a bit safer than the acting one - maybe they overlap anyway sometimes? Especially if you leave your jacket on the back of the chari when you go for lunch! Joking aside - there seems lots of need for good management.

You sound a bit tired with it all once the anger fades - know the feeling. It is so much easier to act when the anger strikes. In the end though - best to make a level-headed decision. I dont think you ever regret it that way.

He didn't really adddress the issues, no. Just thought he was being a bit arrogant and had a mid-life criss. Understatement! I regret finding him the Audi TT of which he had always dreamt! Just thought it might help since I was growing my/our baby and he was being so irritable!!

Good Luck with it all.

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