Emotional infidelity? Do we break up?

[Jam29]

I'll try and be as concise as I can.
I've been with OH for 14yrs, married for 10 and 5&6 yr old boys.
In 2008 two years after marriage I found he'd posted a pic on an adult meeting website and his bank statement with money going to a couple of dubious websites. I was gutted but he swore it was nothing more than
titilation.
Fast forward to 2015 where I caught him chatting to an unknown person on whatsapp and he hurriedly shut his phone down. I confronted him the next day and he said it was a woman from work (she works in a different country and sees her rarely) and said that he didn't want me to see as she puts kisses at the end of messages and he does the same.

In May I had a mind meltdown and ended up on antidepressants. I'm sure jealousy was partly to blame as OH had been spending a lot of time in the pub and there are some real tarts working in there and I'd convinced myself something was going on. Even a regular had asked OH if there was something between him and one of the barmaids. There isn't, I'm sure of that but it was his emotional intimacy with the staff which shook me.

Fast forward to three days ago where I looked over his shoulder when he wasn't looking and saw he was chatting to on whatsapp with the name 'Carl'. We were in the airport coming back from holiday when this happened. He hurriedly turned his phone off. I felt sick the whole flight home.
I confronted him two days ago about his scurrying around with his phone and asked who he was talking to. He said this woman from work again. He knew I didn't buy it. I said so who is Carla?
He told me all (Or perhaps not). He told me her name and said he met her through Ashley Madison 14 months ago and swore that it was just chat and it was obvious that nothing was going to happen between them. But he met her for a coffee once anyway and has been chatting in a totally non sexual way, and I do believe that. He swore on our kids lives that they haven't kissed or anything and that it's a purely platonic thing.
I said it is heart breaking that he shares things with this other woman and he said he only talks trivial things and she does most of the emotional offloading about her life. He said he felt guilty when he told her something personal about our life.
He also confessed that this woman from work when he visited the other country made a pass at him and he reciprocated the kiss. He said he felt like a real shit as this woman after that event has been in our house (with another male colleague) when they visited the UK.

We've done so much crying the last two days. Lots of talking between us. He loves me so much, and I'm certain of that, and I love him. We are sleeping in separate rooms. He asks if we can go to counselling. I said I don't know right now as I am very raw with all this.

I don't want to tear up our family and it would destroy our 6 year old, he has emotional issues, but I can't stay just for the children.

I don't know what to do. I'm feeling so raw right now. Please help me.x

He's cheating, he doesn't love you, you can't stay because of the kids, you deserve better and his crying is just emotionally manipulating you into believing he does care when he absolutely doesn't.

You know the drill, we say it on here at least a hundred times a day.

Ashley Madison - that famous website for meeting other married people for platonic non-sexual chat and coffee.

He's repeatedly cheated on you and will continue to do so.

If you stay with him, you are doing so in the full knowledge that this is the life and the relationship you have chosen to accept.

Time to put up or shut up.

Thanks everyone. I got one hour sleep last night.
This morning I asked him to look me in the eye and swear on his Mother's life he's never has a sexual encounter with anyone. He couldn't do it. He admitted having sex with the woman colleague on one of his US trips in 2012. She's been in my house ffs after the event.

He's packing right now. He hates the man he's become as his Father did the same to his Mother. Says he chats to this woman about it because he can't talk to anyone else about it. Yes, I've seen his messages to her and there is nothing sexual going on. Just general chit chat. However, he admitted that the first week or so of chatting was flirtatious.

I love him so much and I know he really does love me. I know you are all thinking yadda yadda but really we have something special. But he's deceived me and lied to me and hid his secrets away.

I am hurting so much. I need someone to give me a big cuddle and the only person who can give me that cuddle I so badly need right now is the love of my life, but he has cheated on me. Oh many tears.

Onwards to separation I guess. I'll be asking for advice on that next. X

I'm sorry op

This must be very painful.

It would be good to get to a solicitors ASAP.

Btw- please be aware he is still minimising about what he's been doing.

He joined a married sex agency (after having sex 'one' time with a colleague) and as a result now emotionally supports the married women he meets on there? That is quite an extraordinary claim...

I'm sorry OP. Regardless of what happens he needs to realise there are consequences, else it will just continue. His tears and sorrys are easy, he's been found out.

Separation is the best thing, he's been cheating in you, in many forms (emotional and physical) many times.

You can't trust him. This man does not respect you. He also swore or your children's lives

Best of luck OP.

He swore on the kids lives that he hadn't had sexual relations with the woman he chats to and I believe that from the exhanges I've seen.

But he didn't actually join an adulterers hookup website to chat, did he?
Or is he saying that he did?
Ask him to swear on his mothers life- that's the one that seems to trip him up (weirdo)

You may think you have something special but he doesn't. And you don't join an affair site to chat. Just joining alone should be reason enough to leave.

Best thing you can do right now is get the kids ready and go out for the afternoon.

Don't hang around to witness his snivelling and whining about how he's turned into his father, blah blah.

Tell him you're going out, you'll be back by X time and you expect him gone, you'll be in touch in a few days about contact arrangements for the children.

Claiming that he joined a website that facilitates adultery to use it as some kind of counselling service to talk through his previous infidelity is an insult to your intelligence.

You don't have anything special.
He might have conned you into believing that but trust me, there's nothing special about your relationship.
At least not on his side anyway

He thinks what you have is so "special" he has repeatedly shit all over it and if you let it go he will simply carry on doing so

He also considers you to be stupid because there is no way you have the full picture about where he has been parking his genitals

Lovey, you need an STI test

Life is just beginning.
You have years ahead of you, all that time to come is priceless.
Trust me on that.

Deal with the practicalities now, health checks, transfer money over to your sole account, speak to a solicitor because unfortunately this relationship is broken.

He's left the building.
What do I do with myself now. My face is a big puffy mess and I've got no one to talk to.

You've seen one phone? Bet there's another.

Of course he had something special. He had his cake and was eating it! Jam at home and second helpings everywhere else. Sweetie he ACTIVELY sought out women. He's an arrogant tossed.

Have you got friends and family you can talk to? Don't bottle it up, don't protect him.

Well done. You've got him out of the house. Now organise yourself for the solicitor. Don't go for 'separation' its a waste of money. Go for divorce and, financially, get all you can. You need it for your children.

Don't listen to a word he says. Don't listen to what you tell yourself about loving him. Be strictly practical, get the divorce and finances settled asap.

And don't torture yourself about what he's been up to. He's a cheat, you know that, and that's enough.

Lets say you do still love each other... later, when you've established your independence, he can woo you if he wants to, and if you want him.

I smell Bullshit and a fool.

Our house is still in the middle of being decorated. It's a big place in a country village. I don't know how to move forward with this. How much money should we spend on getting it ready to sell.
He earns quite a bit of money and has said that he'll still give me all the money I need to run the house. He doesn't want to sell quickly (he said a year or two) as eldest (6) is very attached to the house and routine as he has emotional issues.
I don't work except for a few shifts on an ad hoc basis and I said I'd try and get more more work but he says I don't need to bother immediately.
He's so upset with himself I think he'd give me anything I ask for right now. Guilt I suppose.

People join Ashley madison for affairs. He's been lying to you the whole time and he's not about to change. He'll just get better at hiding it.

Your first clue was the money going out and him trivialising it as 'titillation' very insulting.

I'd make plans to exit from this marriage. If he keeps denying ... tell him you'll arrange a polygraph to find out if he's ever been physical with anyone else.

You don't need to leave today or tomorrow, but make plans and see a solicitor. I suspect you don't know the half of his indiscretions.

He may have wiped his phone clean by now, but ask him to see it and if he refuses, that tells you all you need to know. He's hiding something from you.

Don't keep on being fooled by him.

Sorry ..
I just saw that he's been unfaithful.

OP, can you not see how manipulative he is?? His wailing about turning into his father is purely to manipulate you into feeling sorry for him so that you are more likely to let this go!!! It's an act!!!! He isn't really heartbroken that he cheated on you at all but he has to act that way in order to manipulate your response. It's disgraceful but so typical of people who cheat and lie!

I know you believe you have something special... we all want to believe that... perhaps he, and the relationship, is very special to you, but as hard as this is to accept it isn't the same for him. It can't possibly be, as much as you want to believe it is. He can babble on as much as he wants about how much he loves you and how much he cherishes your relationship - it's all talk!! His mouth is saying one thing but his actions are screaming a whole lot louder.

Please please don't fool yourself anymore. Do you really think you deserve to be treated like this? I know that you love him but does that love come at any cost... are you prepared to share him for the rest of your life... because that's your reality.

I think it's time that enough is enough. Stand up for yourself, OP, please!

Don't be sad op, he's not the man you thought he was or the man you deserve.

You don't need to do anything immediately, just grieve and be kind to yourself.

When you're ready, begin to tell people so that you are supported and then seek legal advice.

You will make small steps, and sometimes you will move backwards, but you will be in a better place than living a lie with a man using your unconditional love and loyalty to chase other women. I expect he can't believe how fast it has unraveled, and what he stands to lose. Sadly too familiar on here.

He's so upset with himself I think he'd give me anything I ask for right now. Guilt I suppose.
Likely to wear off, try and get things formalised whilst that's still the case. Please don't rely on his word, he has already shown you that it counts for nothing.