I don't really know what it is. I've always felt different from others and not had many strong bonds -especially with women. I did have a brief period at uni where I felt I'd come home and felt part of things and liked. Gradually, I began to feel a stranger in my town as people either drifted off or moved. I did the whole baby group thing and made a real effort but found many parents quite judgmental and competitive. I have also had various struggles with my children that perhaps others have not such as behaviour and I found being around parents made me feel exposed and I felt flustered and not in the right frame of mind to meet people.
I'veve found school gates hit and miss and there are a lot of cliques. I used to try to inch my way in but learnt the hard way that, if you have to try too hard the n it's not worth it and have pretty much given up. I will be friendly and nice but keep.it distant. I find sometimes people are seemingly friendly then they turnout to want childcare or they'll be a bit clingy and, normally, I am quite independent and enjoy my space. I also find the children's relationships complicate things or make it fickle. Yet others seem to manage and form lifelong b bonds which makes me sad.
I have had a couple of rounds of counselling and it helped for a while. One said I was ok but the environment I'm in doesn't suit me and to seek out friendship elsewhere.