Don't know what to do

[feelingsoalone1]

Hello, I wanted to ask for some help. I have been with my partner for six years. He is a very kind and generous man and in many things he puts me first. However he also sees his mother and family most weekends who live in another city. he has constantly hidden me from his family until two years ago when they found out. They weren't happy and have been pretty nasty to
Me since then.

I've had enough and broken off contact with them although he still does talk to them every day. Often his mum bad mouthes me and tells him to find someone else. Recently he has limited contact with them but I feel so angry about what has happened that I think for me it is total no contact or no relationship between us. He won't choose or chooses me but then secretly contacts them.

I am feeling very very depressed and trapped within this relationship for various other reasons - nowhere to live and unstable work. I hate who I am becoming and I worry for my state of mind. Should I just leave? What should I do? He told me that he hadn't contacted them and then I discovered that he had today. So I threw his phone in the river. We are on holiday and I just can't get past this.

Would I be right in guessing that he is the eldest (or perhaps very youngest?) son of an indian family?

I have experience of these 'boy kings' and you're never going to win against his adoring family 'courtiers', sorry.

You have been put in an impossible position. He is being weak, trying to appease everyone, and in the process putting you through hell. Once you have left and no longer have this madness spinning around your head I'm sure your MH will improve.

Yes he is the very youngest. So I am not being unreasonable in insisting that not only do I have no contact but that he has no contact if he wants to be with me?

In the nicest possible way, I think insisting he goes NC with his family would be a bit unreasonable.

He sounds like he is spending more time with them than average and that is understandably leaving less time for your relationship. You shouldn't have to be spending all your weekends without your partner.

A reasonable compromise could be to limit contact, so maybe he visits one weekend in 3 or something like that?

And yes, he should be challenging them every time they say something negative about you and not letting that stand. If he insisted they accept you, they probably would, especially as you have been together for so long.

He has recently insisted they accept me - very passively - but they haven't. His mum still goes on badmouthing me. They do ask me to go and visit as well but when I go they criticise me and everything I do in the house. Recently I swore I wouldn't visit anymore and stayed away for 5/6 months but there was a big event that they asked me to attend. I went up, thought it had gone reasonably well but discovered afterwards his mum badmouthing me again to my partner. I'm just sick of it. Am I really being unreasonable to say enough is enough? I can't imagine wanting to be with family like this - I have some truly awful family members and ended up cutting them off and have never regretted it

feelingsoalone1 on the bright side, when they are too old too look after themselves, it will at least be his older brother who has to take on the responsibility of looking after them (likely moving them in!). that should free up some time!

As the youngest, he will never stop being babied though, all he will be able to do is grow enough backbone to minimise it through actively reducing his current level of contact. So basically (as I have seen said on MN many times) you have a DH problem, not a MIL problem.