Anyone married to a DH who cannot relate to their DC?

[anotherselfieanotherhall]

From the moment DC were born, DH has not been able to talk to them or provide them with anything they need. They are now newborn, 2 and 4 but it has been like this from the beginning.

He loves them somewhere inside his head, or the idea of them, but when it actually comes to spending time with them or engaging them, he just doesn't.

He wants all the public displays of affection and obedience from them, without doing any of the groundwork behind the scenes to get a good relationship with them. This shows him up in public because the DC's refuse to go to him, but instead of looking at his own role in the problem he accuses me of spoiling them and therefore somehow bribing them with attention to prefer me.

When I leave them alone with him (even for 10 mins) they cry and shout "no" and start banging on the door and trying to follow me. They feel, I think, that they will not be given what they need - food, drink etc. and they know he will just switch the TV on to football, not let them play with their toys or make any noise and tell them off if they get bored.

Have any of you had this with your H's? How did their relationship pan out as the DC got older?

No idea about having a partner like that but my dad is. We have an ok relationship but it's never changed and I know not to go to him for anything. It's sad because we've missed out. Him as much as anyone. And he's exactly the same with his grandchildren and the family animals. My mum goes out the room and children and dogs try to head after her and don't want my dad trying to help in any way. He also wants the good bits of the parental relationship and with his grandparents but that is built by getting stuck in, I think, and being reliable/showing up.

A family I am close to has a father like this. He was a very hands off dad from day one, and now his children are school age.

The kids fluctuate between ignoring him entirely or going to him when they want something (sweets, money, ipad) because they know he will let them have whatever will shut them up. His daughter can be very manipulative in this regard, she will start screaming and fake crying to get what she wants when someone else says no. Their sleeping and eating patterns are all over the place because of this, they play musical beds at night and won't sit still to eat a meal and will snack all day and not eat an actual meal. This also means that some milestones for healthy development go out the window when he's around (toilet issues, help with reading, teeth brushing etc.) because he just wants to do the bare minimum. Frankly I loathe the man because I have no respect for deadbeat parents.

He makes it very hard for his wife to be a good effective parent. She has to do absolutely everything for both him and the children and he has to come first, which means a lot of things to do with the children get left for me to do. She loses her temper with them a lot because of how stressed she is and has had two nervous breakdowns. The children have boundary issues which are going to really hit home once puberty happens.

If I had a choice, I would never choose to spend time around a man this pathetic. He was there when the children were made, he had to have some idea that you can't put them in a corner and grow them into fuctional adults like a plant.

If, as you say, he was unable to attend to their needs from day one, why did you have two further DC with this man? Not being goady, genuinely interested as I would find that lack of involvement from a partner totally unacceptable. Would also imagine long-term it can't be positive for your DC.

I see this in one of my relatives and it always makes me cringe.
I think his partner is just really hoping that suddenly it will all kick in at some point.
Is he amenable to taking your direction? I mean if you have to leave him an actual timetable would he follow it? Not ideal I know but could solve some issues

I don't think he's a bad man by the sounds of things. My relative is totally in love with concepts of stuff and not the hard work. In all aspects of life.
You can't actually change someone's personality but you can do stuff that will help everyone

Does he choose not to see their needs or is it that he can't see their needs?

ASD crossed my mind

My dad was distant and my memories are of a shadowy figure who went to work, and when at home, buried himself in a book. Virtually no communication or contact with us. He was a little more demonstrative with his grandchildren, but unable to talk with them. He stood by silently as our mother abused us emotionally and verbally, and also physically. It's obvious to me now that I married my grossly unsuitable XH because he was kind to me - the first man ever to show affection to me. It's scary how poor relationships with your father can ruin your perception of men. My XH's father was much the same towards his children. Consequently, XH had no idea about how to parent and no coping strategies other than violence. If only men would recognise how much they matter as parents.

"Bribing them with attention...."

Says it all, really.

What a sad situation. I think they'd be better off not being around him anymore. Must be soul destroying for them.

Mistake to stay with him and have two more DC: he's an indequate parent, doesn't see that he's the problem and blames you, and won't consider trying to change. Best thing to do would still be to end the relationship.

Does he actually want a good relationship with them?
If he does then he has to work at it almost like its a job, as it doesn't come naturally to him.
He could start off with parenting classes and a checklist of things to do with the kids even if it includes basics like give them a cuddle and say 'I love you'.

give them a cuddle and say 'I love you' God it comes to something when parent have to be told to do this. FGS, why do some people even have children in the first place.

I guess that means you have to do every single thing with the DC because he won't? Does he do loads of housework, cooking and stuff seeing as you are doing all the DC stuff?