To stop caring what others think of me- changing my perception

[notgivingin789]

Hey all;

Not too sure if this is the right place to post. The SEN board is quite quiet and I do use the Relationships board to ask for advice. But I guess this is more about changing the relationship between myself ifyswim.

Throughout my life I should say; I've always seem to care what others think of me. To the way I dress, the way I look, act - (I am a reserved person). This didn't help when I fell pregnant at 15 and had DS and felt utter total shame. Not of DS! I was very proud of DS, just ashamed of my age. But anyhow.

DS (6) has SEN, to some people his type of SEN is "mild" (it is not in the grand of schemes as it hugely affects him), but he has communication and speech and language difficulties- he is very socially immature and speaks unclearly/ youngish. He does not have an Autistic Spectrum Disorder, but presents very similar- minor the rigidity and has poor motor planning (Dyspraxia).

I went out today with DS, all was good as well, till he got frustrated about something and made a huge tantrum in the store. I can feel everyones eyes on me- and they were. I knew what they were thinking, oh shit balls she's very young and oh- her child is different. I managed to calm him down, but oh boy the majority of people were still looking at me; even when I left the store, even the shop assistant looked really sad (like she was pitying me) and asked how old DS was.

I'm proud of DS and in no way ashamed of his disability, but I feel like people are feeling pitying, or they think that I'm a bad young mum who cannot handle her child and the constant stares it really brings my day down.

I feel like I'm not doing anything right. I recently graduated this summer; and bumped into an old mate who knows me, who knew what I went through with DS and so forth and we were just basically catching up. I told her that I finally graduated now, so using this summer holiday as a good break. She congratulated but said that she wished I stopped studying, in some point in my life and focussed on DS and his needs ( I have been continuously studying since DS was born). I guess she is right in a way; but I did manage to secure DS into a specialist school which took about 6 months to sort out as thats the reason why I stayed in Uni for 4 years as suppose to 3 years. But; I need my education so that I can support my DS.

I'm just not getting it right at all.

Mumsnetters, how can I learn to stop caring what others think of me and what I do as a parent as it does really drags me down. I want to be able to enjoy my life, and DS without allowing myself to dictate my life around what others think.

I hope this post doesn't sound silly !

Thank you.

Stop being so hard on yourself OP.

You are a very young mum and doing really well.

I work closely with SEN students and their parents. There are many parents older than you, in a strong marriage, who struggle sometimes.

All parents of all kids, whether in a marriage or on their own struggle sometimes.

You need to ignore what people think. I can guarantee that most of those people, who you think are judging you, have at some time felt judged themselves. It's not right, it's what people do though.

You are coping well, what strangers think is irrelevant.

Do you have family support? Are you happy with your DS's support at school?

Stop being so hard on yourself. Start working on believing in yourself, and forget strangers, they really don't matter xx

I have this. I've got two kids with Sen and worry what people think. Especially people we know. Strangers it's not so bad. But with people we know they don't understand autism and it's hard to explain. With strangers I just think I won't see them again.

Thanks carey DS is very supported at his school, and my family do support me with DS, but are a bit in denial about his needs.

Msqueen3 I don't mind DS acting in front of people we know as they know about his needs, but I do struggle with strangers.

Have answered on your other thread. You are doing fine. I wouldn't post on AIBU, though if you care about what other people think / say about you.

There are so many misconceptions about SEN. Many people think that the SEN issue is just a label for poor behaviour. Makes my blood boil!

Msqueen3, there is loads of info available about specific needs, print off info for relatives/friends perhaps, so they can have a better understanding?

The trouble is that many people have a very rigid idea of what 'normal' is. And if they know someone, a child, who isn't 'normal', they go into denial, because they refuse to accept 'different'.There is no 'normal' really. Most of us are somewhere on the spectrum, in one way or the other.

You must feel like you can't win - I'm sure plenty of people would have things to say if you quit studying at 15 too!
I think you've done incredibly well to get a degree, whilst single handed my bringing up a SEN child in your teens. Well done on graduating.

You should be proud of yourself. There is no magic way to stop caring what others think, as it is a gradual process, but thinking about yourself positively is the first step.

You sound amazing.

Both as a mum and in sticking to your own development (uni) in an incredible difficult situation.

I know it's hard when you feel the whole world is judging you but you basically have to rise above it. None of those people in that shop know you, you don't know them and most likely never will. And those that you might would never judge you if they got to know you.

I'm at an age now where I don't give a fuck what anyone thinks about me. I also brought DS up by myself from the age of 6 months and have had to deal with a shed-load of stuff (as you do).

As they say, yesterday's news is today's chip paper . Most people are too busy with their own life to bother too long about other's.

Anyway, think about this OP. How many people out there have the perfect life themselves? So who are they to judge.

Wishing you all the best.

As ifly says. You are amazing. A young mum with a young child while getting a decent education. Without trying to be patronising., well done.

And with trying to answer your question, for me it came with age .