Men and Regrets

[user1470296287]

Hi just looking for any opinions or experiences really, it has been said to me on a few occasions that men tend to have regrets a lot later in the separation/Divorce process and sometimes only come to realise this when its too late.
I am curious to know if there is some truth in this as i know as a women the process is incredibly hard in the beginning and has just started to get easier so i am now starting to see a way forward to the future, but someone has told me that men process everything in a different way and tend to have the impact/hurt or regret later on.
Anyone had this happen to them ?

I am truly hoping this is the case. That my ex is now deeply miserable, recognising what he had and what he threw away; for some reason it would give me comfort to think he somehow recognised what he did to me, to himself and to our life together. That life 'on the other side' is not the trouble free, well-remunerated, comfortable place that he thought it was.

Somehow, I doubt it. He was always very good at believing his own bullshit, so he probably still thinks 'it was for the best'. His best, obviously, not mine.

My Uncle left his wife of 20 years and 2 DC (who were 17 & 19 at the time) for OW over 10 years ago. He moved to the other side of the country to be with her. I am very close to my Uncle so can say from first hand experience that he has not regretted leaving. Neither of his DC speak with him and he doesn't see his grandchildren. He did all he could to have a good relationship with them, he gave his exw everything and supported the DC financially until they both left university. Although he wishes that he still had a relationship with his children and it deeply saddens him that he doesn't, he was so unhappy in his marriage and is so happy now that he does not regret leaving. We discussed this recently and he said that he wishes his current wife was not the OW and that he had left his exw sooner before meeting his wife, but he didn't and can't change the past. So I suppose it depends on circumstances and the state in which the marriage was in before the husband / wife leaves as to whether either party ever regrets leaving.

My first husband told me three years after we split up that his life went to pot ever since we divorced. (The reason for divorce was OW and our marriage being stale so he definitely was a seeker of the greener grass) This was the closest he came to saying he regretted it. To be fair him and OW did not last a year and he had series of relationships that didn't last either so I can see how after all these years the stale stability of our marriage may have been appealing all of the sudden. We were friendly for a while (genuinely so with my current DP's full knowledge) and then he told me he could not see me for coffee/be in contact anymore as I wasn't just a friend so clearly he harboured some feelings still. We went NC and it's fine. He's a decent man but very confused.

Its difficult though, people leave a relationship because they want more or something different and if they find it or even another serviceable relationship then its all worth it, it all worked out etc and they don't really have regrets as such but if it doesn't work out then we look to our past and the ones that got away or the ones we took for granted and consider them our best chance at happiness.

Its all a big gamble sometimes it pays off and sometimes it doesn't. I think we men though can be guilty of both wanting a woman to reflect our status i.e hot, thin, cool esp when we are young and to also think it should always be easy and fun. We take a long time to accept the reality of grown up life and commitment, well some of us do.

Women are generally already doing the shit work and it takes only a short time to realise they've just cut their workload significantly by getting rid of a partner who doesn't pull his weight.

I think there is a lot of truth in this. Certainly I have seen a lot of women on here who say that's been their experience.

I know two men who had affairs and lost their marriages and really regret it. One went on to marry his mistress and I don't think he really likes her that much, he misses his first wife like crazy.

My ExH treated me appallingly - multiple affairs and worse. He refused to change and dropped out of couples therapy after a couple of sessions. So finally I admitted defeat. Once I'd left him though he regretted it hugely. He said he'd do anything to win me back. I said it was too late. He hasn't been happy since we split up.

A later bf dumped me with no explanation after a few months. I was baffled as I thought we'd had a great time together. He reappeared 2 years later to tell me he loved me and was ready to go further with our relationship. Naturally I'd moved on by then.

So yes, based on my experience, I would agree that men often have regrets further down the road. I think maybe they are slower to come to terms with their feelings than women are.

My first H certainly had a lot of regrets - and I felt for him, because I know they were genuine regrets. He's a good man who made some shit choices which had more repercussions (me leaving post his affair) than he'd ever dreamt of. More fool him for not thinking about the repercussions, I know.

Well my father cheated on my mother more than 30 odd years ago, and moved other woman straight into our old house within a week. Her family practically moved in too. He often slagged off my mother. Put me and my siblings through hell. Hardly had contact. OW got pregnant straight away, and delivered before divorce was even finalised. He and OW lived together 16 years, before he cheated again and it went down very nastily. My step mother attempted to take him for all he had, whereas my mother had left with nothing.

Today?

2 years ago my father phones me. Have weird conversation. Says my mother was an excellent woman, and the ending of the marriage with my mother was the worst mistake of his life, and he wished he had been a better person then. He has regretted it every day apparently. Yeah, I'm about that. Frankly it pissed me off. The things I endured while he was a shit dad, all supposedly for nothing.

So yeah, men can behave very very badly, whilst still retaining feelings, and then regret it all later. Beats me. I guess men pay less attention to feelings when making decisions about moving on. Of course I realise I am generalising very widely here, but I have heard tales similar to mine often.

Thanks for your replies and story's its good to hear that sometimes the person left behind etas in the mind of the leaver and maybe just maybe its not been worth the pain they have thrown on their families and themselves.

I won't hang around for an apology or anything else as i am really trying my best to move on and now its been a year i can feel it starting to really sink in that there is no going back.

Thanks again to you all

xx

It's crazy really, the feeling of regret which can literally last a life time!

People who hope their exes will later regret their choices, are people whom aren't over that person.

I'm one who wishes my ex would wake up and smell the coffee, however that is simply because it's still so raw. If he did decide to turn up one day to tell me he's sorry he left me & our son, I'm sure one day I won't care!

Im with you Toobloodytired. I long for the day im totally over him and dont give a toss. Its going to take so much longer due to having DS and having to have contact.

Was talking to a friend last night who told me about her friend. Her DH left her when their DD was 3 for OW. They got divorced, and each bought a new house. A year down the line they got back together and remarried. Now they have another DC and are happy as larry.

My friend spoke to him and he said once the novelty wore off and he realised that the honeymoon period didnt last, he was in the same position but missing out on seeing his daughter grow up.

I think some men have their heads turned and think the honeymoon period will last. I think they compare this to their 10/20 year relationship with ex partner, which isnt a fair comparison. After 10 years together real life has got in the way, and it's especially hard if you have children.

My stbxh is feeling huge amount of guilt that he is struggling to live with, i have heard this from a mutual friend and via email by his own admission.
Surely this amount of guilt would only be because you have done something wrong to another person and your trying to hide what it is you are actually guilty of.

Regret is not the same as guilt I've come to realise, we are only one year separated so maybe the regret will kick in in later years, who knows ??

What did he say in his email User? X

Hi Bones I've been following your thread and well done you are doing brilliantly although its hard keep on looking forward.

He said that he had done the damage and the guilt was killing him but he would have to learn to live with it.

still no clearer why he would throw it all away and live like this but he has made his choice and i wasn't it.

It is hard isn't it. Very. But you know what, my H asked me to go for food with him on Thursday with the kids! I was like WTF? I declined. And I surprised myself. My mum thinks his guilt or regret may be starting to set in. But I'm 4 months in now and feeling soooo much stronger. I'm still sad. But I realise it's ultimately gonna be him who's the loser. I'm actually starting to have happy times again. So most of the time, how he feels is actually irrelevant to me now. X

Is your OP assuming that the man is the leaves, and leaving for another woman? Because I left, and divorced, my emotionally abusive, alcoholic, narcissistic husband. I have absolutely no regrets!

And exH will never look at himself and his behaviour and regret that it caused me to leave. My counsellor says his psyche literally cannot comprehend that I left, not for another man, but because being alone was better than being with him ...