Escorts and DH acting like nothing has happened

[DollsHouseTroubles]

About a month ago i discovered that DH has been to a prostitute. Found out on the night it happened. He admitted he's called one and went to her address but according to him changed his mind at the door and did not go in. Which might or might not be true (he withdrew £150 that night and came back with around £90 but also had drinks in friend's company and then alone).
I wasnt particularly shocked by the discovery as our relationship has been crap for a long time. Sex life is non existent because he is addicted to porn and was always more keen to do that than get close with me. Over the years i have managed to detach from all this but in the begining it hurt. A lot. I almost resigned to the fact that at 35 i'm done with intimacy and sex and that there was little of that in the future and i was kind of ok with that. Kind of. Now his visit to escorts has opened a wound which i seem to have hidden and healed (or so i thought). It hurts and i feel such a rage towards him. I hate him with passion. The thing is, he acts like nothing has happened. Come evening he picks up his ipad and goes to bed (we sleep separately) leaving me downstairs, making no effort to talk about things. He knows i am angry. It was his birthday a few days ago and I didn't even mention it, DS wrote a card and gave it to him and that was that.

What hurts me the most is not the fact he might have shagged a prostitute but the fact he is so detached and makes zero effort to fix things. He calls me during the day and we might talk like everything is ok and have a laugh or he can apologise for his behaviour but when we're home, face to face, he doesnt talk about what happened, totally ignores it. It drives me insane. How can this relationship ever get better if he prefers to hide upstairs? How can he act like all is ok? Am i supposed to start difficult conversation after what he did? Why should I? Does he not care?...

I did think of leaving but i dont think i can afford to and neither can he. So how do we make this work, is it up to me to start the fixing (yet again)? What would you do?

I don't mean to sound harsh, but it sounds like you aren't really in a marriage anymore. You sleep separately, he seeks out sex with other women, you are only really living together because you have to. It is almost as if you have already split up.

You do know, that there are 32 MILLION men in the UK alone? Why are you tethering yourself to this cheating twat?

I know it's a scary prospect (to leave), but you really must. It's time to put your big girl pants on. I left my ExH when I was 38 years old (20 year relationship). I am now re-married to my soul mate. The upheaval was SO worth it.

You are only 35. Way too young to be in a sexless relationship. I am 46 and me and DH are active about 3 times a week.

I think it's the money thing that's worrying you. Sit down and do the figures. You may get Tax credits. Child benefit always goes to Mum. He's have to pay Child Maintenance. When you split the assets, if his pension is bigger than yours you get cash for that. See a solicitor with a view to getting out of this asap.

This is a dead marriage and perhaps you need to just have a discreet open marriage for both of you.

Is it the fact that he went to an escort or would you feel the same if he had one permanent OW?

Because I wonder why you thought he'd be resigned to celibacy.

When people say the finances don't add up, what would you do if he dropped dead and didn't have any life insurance? You'd find a way because you'd have no choice.

Don't let your kids see this sham of a marriage or they will think it's normal and end up like the two of you. Or even worse.

look there is no way that he hasn't used prostitutes in the past. Have you checked bank ATM records going back and phone records. That's how I found a trail going way back nearly ten years.
Leave him to his addiction its the only way.
You are only 35.
You will be much happier not living with the constraints his addiction puts on you. It isn't your job to put up with his addiction and try to fix it. Its up to him.

Another one who thinks that you need to separate, you are both miserable and wasting your lives.

You don't love each other, sleep separately and are unable to talk about these serious issues.

I'm sure you don't want to be with someone who uses prostitutes.

I'm sure he doesn't want to be with someone who doesn't love him and is still there primarily for financial security.

Make plans to separate and be co-parents. You'll manage financially (work full time, tax credits) and be happier for it.

You're only 35! I didn't even meet my husband till I was 36. You have a huge amount of time ahead of you to find someone who will love and cherish you. Don't stay in this broken relationship. He will be obliged to contribute to the care of the children.

whataloadofrubbish, ATM records wouldnt tell me if he's been to prostitutes. He does withdraw money here and there so how i can link any of it to cheating i dont know. He struggles with real person and prefers porn so i always thought he wasnt going to escorts. Perhaps i'm wrong, who knows.

Do you want your kids to live like you do when they grow up? Because that is what they are currently learning is normal.

Time to get a plan together and prepare for a new life.

He will have been having sex with prostitutes. And has a porn addiction too?

LTB, and not in several years, immediately!

There is a great book called In The Shadows of the Net. It's all about porn addiction and why some men become addicted. It's interesting reading.

It really helped me to process my DH's addiction and most importantly to realise that it had absolutely nothing to do with me and get some self esteem back.

Could you suggest a trial separation to start off with?

He struggles with real person and prefers porn

Lovely role model for your kids there.

This man hates women. Including you. Especially you.

You know what you have to do. Good luck .

DollsHouse,

I don't get it when you say the kids would be heartbroken.
Surely you realise splitting up now is kinder to your children?
They're going to grow up watching a loveless marriage thinking it's the norm - that's a far worse consequence than a few months of turmoil over their parents splitting up....

Not to mention if you have sons, they'll grow up seeing the way this man treats you & think it's acceptable.

I don't know what's holding you back from leaving this man but it's not concern for your kids...

You don't love your husband. It sounds like he doesn't love you.

Please don't stay married. You may think it will be better for your children, but it really, really won't.

Don't know why posters are questioning your love for him. He's the addict. You can tell by the amount and the time surely. Records also tell you where.
Why would anyone take out 150 cash for a night out? Large sums then another withdrawal the next day?
You are pretending you don't know how to work this out because you are in shock.
Check messages too.
Or just leave the bastard.

If he doesn't want sex with a person then an objectified prostitute would do it for him. That's where porn addiction leads.

Ditch him. He sounds awful.

whataloadofrubbish, the OP said textually:

No, i don't love him. Sometimes i think he's ok but love? No