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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be rid of the weight of my parents' crappy lives

31 replies

Pruni · 31/01/2007 10:12

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FioFio · 31/01/2007 10:14

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nailpolish · 31/01/2007 10:17

pruni

i know what you are on about, i feel this with my dad

does your mother live with you?

i agree with Fio about counselling, it could maybe give you some coping mechanisms and help you think/cope differently

Cappuccino · 31/01/2007 10:18

dawning realisation for you Pruni

a) you are bleeding fantastic as a person and a parent, especially considering the shower of odd that brought you into the world
b) there is a whole new 'am I being unreasonable' thread for you to bring us little stories of their freakery to us as long as they both shall live

sorry if I'm over-flippant for your mood. just don't let this get to you

Lizzylou · 31/01/2007 10:21

Very much so, my parents divorced when I was 10 and 23 years later I am still listening to their crap!
It is my DC's birthday party coming up and I have chosen the party and venue purely so that they can all come and not have to speak to other...which I always promised I wouldn't do, but my graduation, Wedding and births have all been marred by their infantile behaviour.

We are seriously considering emigrating and part of me knows it's to escape their pettiness and selfishness.

Sorry that you are caught up in it all

wanderingstar · 31/01/2007 10:26

I don't live near my mother but I was brought up listening to her inappropriate whinging to me constantly about my dad's shortcomings. "I can tell you this, you're like a friend". BUT PLEASE DON'T !! I'M HIS DAUGHTER..

She still does it now he's dead. He wasn't perfect, but then who is ? She really can't see how inapproriate all this is/was, but she'll never change.

I really have to distance myself from her emotionally a bit now; otherwise I'd collapse under the weight of all her baggage.

Pruni · 31/01/2007 10:26

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FioFio · 31/01/2007 10:29

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nailpolish · 31/01/2007 10:30

sorry pruni

it was just taht you said you got home and had a conversation with your mother

my father craves hearing me saying "oh its ok dad, its all in the past, lets put it behind us" but i REFUSE

saying it wouldnt make me feel more calm or at ease, but it would him, and i dont know what to think feel/about that

can you talk to your brother about this? does he feel the same?

Lizzylou · 31/01/2007 10:30

You need to be selfish, Pruni, create some distance.

After years of trying to create a harmonious family, I've realised it isn't going to happen and am accepting it. MY family comes first and I won't let myself get stressed about my two childish parents

FioFio · 31/01/2007 10:32

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Pruni · 31/01/2007 10:34

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Pruni · 31/01/2007 10:36

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Pruni · 31/01/2007 10:41

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nailpolish · 31/01/2007 10:42

i think you should say that

refuse to talk about it

leave the room if you have to

Pruni · 31/01/2007 10:49

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sunnywong · 31/01/2007 10:52

manly pat on the arm to you Pruni - Behind the Scenes at the Museum is a very powerful book isnt' it?

Lizzylou · 31/01/2007 10:52

I've tried various things along these lines...

"Oh Gawd, sorry but this is getting so boring, aren't we past this now?

Works for a while!

Pruni · 31/01/2007 10:53

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Pruni · 31/01/2007 10:53

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foxinsocks · 31/01/2007 18:07

awww pruni you poor thing. Don't think it helps if your mother is drunk often either - the drink encourages them to be more emotional and confrontational and brings out all the 'oooooh I was never given a chance' blah blah blah sort of rant.

The problem is you can't just ignore it because they are right there! And as much as I agree with the 'creating distance' thing, it's very difficult to suddenly cut an emotional bond especially when you've been the adult in the relationship from a very young age!

I would second therapy (not that I've gone myself, ahem) but have heard it works wonders when you get the right therapist. Just get yourself on a NHS waiting list then forget about it till your place comes up.

But yes, I do sympathise terribly with having mad parents and horrid conversations about stuff that you REALLY don't want to hear anymore! And there's a thread somewhere in relationships about mad mothers - have a feeling you'd fit right in .

Pruni · 01/02/2007 10:59

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snowleopard · 01/02/2007 11:19

Pruni I would consider therapy too. If you have that feeling of "Oh I'm fine with it really. oh I can't face therapy" that may mean you need it - maybe not, but that was the case for me. Not the same situation exactly, but terrible divorced parents, dad needy and blaming, mum constantly bending my ear and craving absolution just about sums it up.

I learnt a lot in 5(!) years of therapy (once a month which kept the expense down). It doesn't solve everything by any means but it did help me learn ways of dealing with my mum in particular. She just doesn't try it on now because she knows she'll get short shrift and I won't be sucked in. Our relationship is much better and I no longer feel as if she's the child trying to get me to look after her.

I do sympathise. Especially with the "burden" stuff - that' a terrible thing to say to your child.

harpsichordcarrier · 01/02/2007 11:25

oh pruni I so hoped this wasn't you
I know I know I know
I think the key is accepting them and just absorbing the crap they give out without letting it penetrate
does that make any sense??
PS YOU ARE NOT IN THE LEAST BIT RIDICULOUS

harpsichordcarrier · 01/02/2007 11:25

oh and I was going to say it isn't any better when they die ime
is that helpful

Hassled · 01/02/2007 11:29

When they die (as both mine have) you end up with lots of regrets about things you never actually plucked up the courage to say to them - I loved them and miss them, but my father was crap in so many ways, and I still wish I'd had it out with him. Getting angry with someone who's dead is NOT healthy!