DV. Emotional abuse. Narcissistic. Poss mental health issues. He's left but I can't stop contact.

[allthefuckingnicknamesaretaken]

My first thread in a long time, never a frequent poster but lurked for years.

I've been with a man for 3 years, since the breakdown of my marriage. We had an affair prior to us leaving our partners, although my exh and I had already discussed separation so this wasn't the instigator. (Not an excuse. Just background)

This relationship should have been a short term rebound I know that now. He swept me off my feet, was different to anyone I'd met beofre and I was besotted.

I can see now the controlling and emotional abuse was there from the start. But he always blamed me. I was very strong and argued and defended my self for days and weeks. But always wanted to stay. He had affairs, physically abused me, psychologically abused me, ridiculed and belittledo me. Used anything and everything against me particularly personal things I told him. I told him everything, that's how I am, too open. I never lied but was always accused of doing so. I was accused of affairs (I know our start could explain that) but there was never any substance to these accusations. While he was having them. I found out about several and he denied for months but eventually admitted. He sees that as him being honest. He speaks to his ex wife regularly but hides it from me - no dcs, she knows about our affair and has shouted at me in the street in front of him several times. They are not a couple, she has a partner and appears happy. She has admitted trying to break us up (not unreasonable on her part I know) I have no problem with her as I did wrong but he won't ever see bad in her and their relationship is equivalent to an emotional affair in my eyes. I know I'm not on a position to complain but he says that they should stay friends. Do friends buy each other personal gifts and send photos of themselves to each other?

So I'm in the wrong there but he stays with me and I try to move on. 5 times from big betrayals (a weekend away etc) there have been other women too. Again emotional definitely. Sex I don't know and that bothers me much less anyway.

So the emotional abuse. Name calling, ridiculing, making things up that I have said or done, accusations of affairs, being unsupportive during all the big things (good or bad) being great in the lead up, proud after but awful during so whatever it is is harder for me. I had an operation. He was worried before, caring and lovely bought me new pj's for hospital etc. When I gother home and needed looking after for just a day he created an argument from nowhere and left for 24 hours.

He tells me I'm miserable, i m actually quite cheerful and have a good game face so people rarely know if I'm having a bad day including him. I'm accused of being miserable when I'm in my best moods.

Looking at my phone. Checking my Internet and location history. Checking I'm at work and still not believing I am. Criticising my cooking / cleaning / parenting one minute, praising it the next.

Never chatting about his day or himself. Keeping his friends and family seperate from me but happily interacts well with mine.

I have 2 dcs 8 and 5. He's fab with them most of the time. I mean really really good. But can be strictwritten than I like and his words can be harsh to them. I do worry the girls could be affected in the long term but he's not abusive and has never hurt them. He's very protective of them.

Physical violence started after a year. Nothing more severe than bruising but I've been strangled several times. The threats of violence are worse. I'm not sure what he's capable of. He's threatened to stab me and got tools out to do it with but never done it. There have been maybe a dozen incidents. They last several hours, they are frightening. I am scared he will kill me one day. Even if it's accidental. He's remorseful eventually to an extent but the blame always comes back to me. He says it shouldn't have happened but thathe if I hadn't done xyz he wouldnt have got so angry.

Obviously he is not always like this. I won't writems the positives as you know there must be some for me to stay. But everyone sees him as the lovely wonderful version.

I'm. Not stupid. I know this is totally wrong. I know what it is. I know all the subtle things that he does which are part of the abuse. I know I shouldnt be with him for my by particularly my childrens sake. I know he might kill me and this is a valid fear.

I own my own house. He doesn't totally live here. He's here all the time but he doesn't have things here. They are in storage. Not my choice I'd like to share our life completely but he won't. But to all.intents and purposes he lives here. However us splitting would cause me housing or financial issues.

He was arrested 2 months ago for assaulting me. He was bailed but cannot come within 200 miles of me. Quite severed conditions. He has no criminal record.

This is my out. I'm on my own. I've done it.

But I can't stop contact (obviously he's breaking bail conditions but I'm not stopping him and I instigated it) Im broken hearted and miserable. My home is running well but it's not enough. I'm scared I'll take him back. Im confused as I know I shouldn't, I don't even want to in many ways. But I do In others. I'm not worried about being alone. I'm not worried about coping or the future alone. I just want him. I compare it to an addiction. I still kid myself he might change. I'm certain there are mental health issues but even if there are he's still an evil person behind them. Even in the time after his arrest his behaviour hasnt changed. He's both awful and lovely. But more awful. Why can't I withdraw? What do I need to do? I've told my friends and family this time to help me stay away. They know nothing about previous incidents and I won't tell them.

How do I keep my family safe from my stupid decisions?

Apologies for the probably terrible post. I've never fine through it like this beofre and I've just opened up the flood gates

You need to take temptation away, firstly you block your ex on all social media. Then you close all social media accounts (hopefully temporary). Contact your landline provider and find out about getting a new telephone number. Reset your mobile phone to factory settings and throw away the sim card. Use a pay as you go sim card and only give your number to close family and friends.

If it was me, I would also move, do you own your home or rent it? You don't need to move hundreds of miles away but I would want the security of knowing that he doesn't know where you live. I would also consider moving your girls to a different school.

You are trapped in a time warp in the home you shared with your ex, thinking of all the nice memories that you shared.
You need a fresh start, new surroundings and you need to give yourself a shake. Yesterday I read about a woman with beautiful children, who finally found the confidence to leave her abusive partner. The day she was leaving, her abusive partner came home early, he killed the woman and her children before turning the gun on himself.

Your ex is 200 miles away, the authorities are doing their best to help you escape this monster. He has already tried to kill you, he has shown you several times that he is more than capable of killing you. What makes you think your children are safe from him. Are you really that selfish that you are prepared to let a monster like him back into your children's lives? What happens if one of your children bravely stands up to you? You do not want to have to bury your children! Your family do not want to have to bury you! You are worth so much more than this monster. You and your children need time to heal, to feel safe and to start a new life without ever seeing this monster again.

Please contact woman's aid, get a plan together, protect your children. Look into the freedom program.

I don't want to berate you and I say this with concern but not judgement. I understand the complexities of abusive relationships. Children don't.

What you are modelling to your children is that the man treats the woman like shit and makes everyone miserable and the woman likes it. She says she doesn't but she must do because she chases him and prefers him to any other man who might treat her well and puts her relationship with him above the welfare of her children.

So DDs think that's what a relationship is - a man being physically and/or emotionally abusive but you've such a 'connection', an 'addiction' that you can't keep away. That's what a REAL relationship is, this love drug where you forgive all the abuse because the connection means you drop charges and can't keep away from him. He's more important than anything.

And DSs learn that you treat women like shit and they're devoted to you. That a REAL relationship is where you cause damage but it bonds the woman to you - the worst you treat them, the more they want you because women secretly like that. Oh, and you have no respect for women because they're mugs that keep desperately wanting you when you've treated them like shit.

I work in MH and have seen both the DDs and DSs who have been shown this is how relationships work.

If you're single and you want to chase an abuser - fine. It's not fine when you have kids.

Don't perpetuate the cycle.

The violence will escalate. Eventually, he will hospitalise you then possibly kill you. You sound intelligent, so why can't you break away when you have a superb opportunity to do so. Be totally honest about what he's done with your family. It'll harder to go back to him (which would put him in jail, anyway) if they know what he's really like.

It sounds like you value him more than your DC: this is incredible to me. You will have them removed if you persist in being in contact with this foul, violent, abusive twat.

I kinda know you will never get away from this man, and you will damage your children so much they will never recover. They will form abusive relationships too.just like mama! Do you honestly want this on your conscience?

ComeJoin speaks true. Don't let bad modelling screws up your chdren's lives.

Also, this is not love: it's addiction.

So, look at it like a.n.other drug. Would you let an addiction to cocaine or meths get between you and your children? Whenever you're wavering, think of it like this.

YY to all previous advice, and my only unique bit to add is, even if you don't delete this number, at least change his contact name to "Twatface" or something. Substitute his picture for something nasty, like a cobra baring its fangs (or whatever scares you most: the contact would do it for me!).

Thank you all so much. I'm pretty shattered tonight. I've read all the messages several times and every one is helpful, I'm so grateful to you all for your help.

Had counselling assessment (within an hour of calling which I was impressed with) and have been made an emergency case so have emergency contacts plus women's aid details and should start weekly sessions within a few weeks.

I had counselling about 20 years ago after pnd with eldest but i have little recollection except that it was bloody hard going but ultimately effective.

I have still had a few messages back and forth today. But I don't feel comfortable just blocking immediately, angering him won't help me right now. Even if I block he'll find a way to contact me. So I've not replied immediately, kept messages short, Nothing emotional or personal and kept myself calm. It might not seem like much but I feel it's a little step forward.

I've been to work which I'm struggling with but ticked off another day. Had a nice evening with dds and might go up myself now.

OK. That seems like a reasonable day. Keep going.

If you cannot cut him off immediately (which would be recommended) phase him out. Reduce his importance in your life. Do not meet up. That would be the worst mistake you could make.

If you block him and he contacts you, you can and should call the police.

His anger is not your responsibility. You're only responsibility is to yourself and your DC.

He will kill you/them.

It does not matter how you feel about this,, you can't have contact. In this instance, you do what you know you have to do, and not what you feel you can manage.

You must cut him out of your life now! No phasing.

This contact risks your life and the only protective support you have.

I do worry for your dds I really do.

Take it one day at a time. Every day you ignore him is a step towards freedom.

You need counselling and you've made that first step. It will help you to stop making the excuses you are making, for what is fundamentally, you taking decisions which are dangerous and could fuck up your children's lives.

I speak as the child of a mother who kept returning to abusive relationships to the detriment of me and my brother. She made the wrong decisions and with children myself I'm not sure why she didn't put us first

One day at a time. You can do the right thing. Tell your friends. Make it real.

You don't need to resist your addiction for months and months.

You only need a few minutes of right thinking and courage.

In those few minutes you call the police and tell him he has been in contact with you, in breach of his bail conditions. They'll do the rest.

You can and must block him, you say he will find another way to contact you, that means that you KNOW of another way. Is this social media/ email/ phone? Shut them all down, honestly you should be contacting the police. He is in violation of his parole!

Stop messaging him, stop placating him. You are still in a relationship with him if you are in contact with him so frequently. Please think of your girls! They need you! If you can't protect them from your violent partner, at least give them to their father to protect. Or another family member. If this makes your insides churn, if the thought of losing custody of your girls fills you with bone chilling panic. Then look in the mirror, you have two paths to choose from. One will lead you down a brutal, repetitive path, ending with your death or with your children being removed from your care due to your failure to protect them. The other leads you to freedom, to a fresh start and security for you and your girls. Please choose wisely.....

The right thing to do is report him to the police. They know abusers do this. They know the woman finds it hard, you won't get in trouble but he will.

This is the system to protect you. Use it.

Put your safety in someone else's hands because right now you are unable to keep yourself safe

Hey, I'm sorry for resurrecting an old thread but just wanted to pop in and thank all who posted last August. Many of the comments stuck with me and although I've not been on here since then ive often used this thread to remind myself I can do this and I mustn't fuck up.

I did keep away, it took until we went to court a couple of months later to break all contact completely but I went there and knew that him making me go through the awful experience of giving evidence rather than him pleading guilty would be the thing that finally gave me that push. And it did. Nothing since that day.

I only started telling people after that too, the next week I had a night out with friends, some close some not so much and decided I needed to start talking. It was honestly the most amazing experience. Also surprising how many had similar experiences at some point. I'm quite open about it now, I hope that if anyone is experiencing similar that me being open could help them.

I'm not over the relationship. Or him.

The awful side of the relationship I struggle with in the sense it still hurts when I think about it, the betrayal and lies mostly.

Him, i miss terribly. I always bring my focus back to the negatives but sometimes I am just mourning for what I thought it was.

However I'm most definitely not at risk of rebuilding anything or contacting him.

There are many many times I think to myself, what would this situation be like if he was around, and nearly always the answer isn't good, even if it's just a small irritation not abusive. So that's a positive, I'm embarrassed and astounded that I let this happen and still struggle to believe I did sometimes.

I don't know if I will ever truly recover from this, I don't know if the weird mix of anger, hurt and passion (right word? I'm not sure) will go, it will fade but will it stop hurting? I don't think so.

Sorry, for the ramble. Just wanted to say thanks. You all really made a huge impact and difference. Not sure how well I'd have done without this thread in my head.

X

You've been so brave. My heart goes out to you. Hugely.

It is ok to hurt and have wounds that don't fully heal. Life is a long winding road. You may see a new dawn yet - you just never know. Keep being you, and try to be proud of what you've managed to do.

What you experienced with your ex was really Stockholm syndrome. It was and is a natural defence mechanism to get you through what your body understood was an incredibly dangerous situation.

Is there any chance you could access a therapy called EMDR? I suspect you are deeply traumatized by what you experienced and EMDR may just help you heal enough that you can turn the tide of brain chemicals against this part of your past, and perhaps truly start to feel you've moved on?

Look into it. I have a feeling it might really help you in a way you don't expect.

Sorry I am trying to problem solve when really just wanted to tell you how impressed I am with your courage. Even if you never feel you "recover", I want you to know I think you did an incredible thing and i take my hat off to you.

Thank you thestamp. I dont feel brave but I am starting to feel proud of myself sometimes. For little things. Keeping my household functioning relatively normally and financially. That's a good feeling when it comes.

That therapy sounds expensive. Money is a massive struggle so imagine that's a no for now. I've read about Stockholm syndrome before and you're probably right.

I did attempt to have counselling but was only offered appointments in the middle of the day, I tried several times but that was it. I can't afford the time off.

I'm keeping my head above water. Just. The positivity from people including posts such as yours keep me hanging on. So thanks for posting x

Great update, OP. Well done for breaking those chains.

Op. You have asked why you can't break away, it's called co dependence, a well recognised psychological condition, where you keep going back to destructive or painful relationships.
You need to find a counsellor who is trained in co dependency to help you find a way through it. Look on the net.
Also read Breaking Love Addiction.

Let your children see you chose happiness and freedom.

Well done to you OP. I could have written your OP so completely understand what you went/are going through.

It's a truly tragic, soul destroying thing to go through. Each day you will still feel confused and annoyed with yourself for letting yourself be treated that way and wonder how on earth you got there in the first place?

For me it has taken a long time to come to terms with it and I probably won't fully get over it for a long long time. I remember being proud of myself that haven't contacted him for 6 months and it's nearly a year! CBT taught me it takes 6 months to break a habit so that is what I focused on.

I wish you all the luck in the world and when you feel like you're struggling financially just think to yourself I would rather be struggling in that way then be with him. Keep saying to yourself "I'm free." X

ohyes stockholm syndrome/ abuse trauma bond is slightly different to co-dependence. OP have you read about these? I'd suggest that you do so, the symptoms/causes may ring a bell for you and you will find it incredibly helpful if for no other reason than it will show you that you aren't unusual in taking time to recover. You will also find tips in helping you . If you can find a counsellor who specialises in this (and I've also read that EMDR therapy is useful, but haven't tried it).

But well done for getting out and staying out!

Well done OP you have shown real grit and determination. It's not easy. If it was all abused women would simply say "no, this is not for me" and toddle off into the sunset without a backward glance.

I sincerely hope he has not latched onto another woman yet though I expect he has. Shame we can't have these bastards tattooed across the forehead to warn off the unsuspecting.

EMDR is great. Really works. I think you are mourning what could have been, what wasn't and also possibly the previous relationship if you bounced into this one too early.

I hope your DC are settled and I wish you all the best.

Hi op, I've name changed since I posted on here last year.

Well done for breaking away, you're doing brilliantly. I'm so glad to see that.

I second EMDR therapy, I'm having a course of it and it's been hugely helpful. You should be able to get it through the NHS although I'm sure there'll be quite a waiting time. But that time will pass anyway.

This has cheered me. I was reading the thread without noticing the date on the posts and was startled when I came across my old post. I wondered who had resurrected it and why, so good to read your update.

Thanks all

fanciedachange yes mourning my marriage which I pretty much left for him is defìnitely sonething tough. And relatively new too. I know deep down it was over anyway but at the moment I'm blaming my relatuonship with my ex for my marriage breakdown. Maybe it's a way of protecting myself and keeping it as negative? Lord knows!

tearsontheground well done you, sound like you're doing brilliantly x