OH Wants to end things as he's worried he'll get hurt in the future

[K8tyjones42]

I've been with my OH for nearly 2 years, he's 12 years older than me.
We've just come back from a fantastic holiday together but last Saturday I was in a bad mood & stormed out of his.
He now says that he wants to end it as he would rather quit now than in 5-10 years down the line.
He's been married twice before (19 & 15 years) so I do get where he's coming from, but surely live is for living? We don't know what is going to happen around the corner!
I'm seeing him tomorrow to "talk" I just need some help as to know what to say, I don't want it to be over :-(

he wants to end it as he would rather quit now than in 5-10 years down the line
Did he say that, or did he say he was afraid to get hurt in the future? This sounds more like "I don't think it is going anywhere and don't want to waste our time".

I don't think it's controlling or passive aggressive he could have been tired etc, and the OP may be minimising how much they fight, and we don't know how he would know she didn't like the film. And was it at the start or did you arrive near the end and he just wanted to finish it? A storm was only brewing because OP was having a bad day by the sounds of it, and some people do stop things in advance of future hurt, I have.

Do you know about his previous marriages? Perhaps that behaviour was present in them marriages and he is connecting the behaviour to the outcome. You need to talk to him op and find out the finer more important details

In my experience men can say they're afraid of being hurt when what they mean is they want to break up but want you to feel ok/not fuss about it.

It would only be controlling if he was threatening to break up over a minor row but actually had no intention of breaking up, and was using the threat to make OP act differently. But from what we have heard, he just wants to break up.

I think that if you want to stay together you both need to talk (and possibly grow up a bit I'm afraid). You stormed out rather than talk to him because you thought he was ignoring you. He wants to split up rather than talk to you because you stormed out.

You sound as bad as eachother to be honest - and I have never said that on here before. If you both want things to work then you both have to change the way you communicate.

You both sound like teenagers.

You say he's not PA, he doesn't play games...then accept, that for whatever reason, he wants out. He's been married twice before, I'm sure he's seen the odd stomp, or walking out, so I doubt it's that. More a case of 'the straw that broke the camels back'.

Go & see him, tell him you're sorry for acting like a twat and to please tell you what the problem is so you can at least understand why it's come to an end when you thought it was going well.

We haven't had an immature of volatile relationship it's been very calm & very mature.
I had a bad days,hormones or God knows what & I over reacted to something that another day wouldn't have bothered me. Surely I'm not the only person to have done that!
If it was a horrid toxic relationship I would hold my hands up & agree it was for the best to split.
My concern is that he's cutting his nose off to spite his face, he's so scared of being hurt somewhere down the line he thinks it better to stop now & is maybe using last sat night as an excuse

I think your actions would give a lot people cause to think twice.

A couple of people have mentioned the idea of controlling behaviour. Walking out on someone is really quite manipulative. It's like a mini breakup, isn't it? It would very likely make him afraid that he might lose you. But you weren't planning on breaking up, you were just using that fear to make him behave more like what you wanted, to take more notice of you. We all manipulate people, of course, but this level would be worrying to me, too. Maybe he has been in a controlling relationship before and saw this as a red flag?

I left because i was pissed off & I could,it wasn't done to be controlling I know him well enough to know that that wouldn't wash with him anyway!
Nobody is controlling anybody, I've been in one of those relationships before & if I thought for one minute it was like that I'd be off!

The way you say he's cutting off his nose to spite his face , it's like you think he has such a good thing going with you and he's ending it over this one incident.

Now this next bit isn't said to be mean to you, I'm just offering an opinion based on how he might perceive this

It could be that he doesn't think the relationship is as good as you think it is, so it's not a great loss to him OR he has misgivings about the relationship for other reasons, which you may be unaware of and this walking off was the final straw.

You mentioned he doesn't want to get hurt ... by that I wonder if both his Exes ended the marriage and it wasn't his choice.

I don't think it sounds particularly controlling. Not everyone deals with anger or frustration perfectly.

Sometimes we shout and get confrontational, or storm off, or sulk, or over-react, or whatever. Usually we're not proud afterwards, people who love us balance it against the things they like about us, and life goes on.

Unfortunately op I think he sees the writing on the wall, and is calling time now rather than letting things drag on and this one incident probably has very little to do with that decision.

Flouncing is by far the worst kind of attention seeking behaviour there is. You called his bluff and he ended it OP. As others have said after two long marriages he knows a thing of two about relationships and has probably decided he can do without this aggro. I've been in a relationship with a flouncer/stormer,- it's tedious and childish and deeply unattractive.

Like most other PP'S sounds like he's made up his mind and its not your decision now.

Did you arrange the "talk" or did he? If you did, then let him talk, and listen very carefully. If the relationship has been as good as you say, then it's a bit OTT of him to finish it because you have an off day. If that really is the case, then his expectations are very high, and you fell at the first hurdle. OK he's been hurt, but the only way he can guarantee that he won't ever be again is never to get involved with anyone.

Do you think he might have had experience of similar behaviour in his previous marriages and maybe he doesn't know how to handle someone in a bad mood? His reaction sounds suspiciously OTT and I'm wondering whether things had been brewing under the surface for him for a while and you perhaps hadn't heeded the signs? You say the holiday was fantastic, but did anything happen there which might have indicated he was doubtful about your future?

What's prompted this doesn't really matter - he's shown that he thinks you'll split, eventually, and he doesn't see you as a long term partner. He's right, you should save yourself the pain and cut things off now, instead of in 5 years when you've been together 7 years and been walking on egg shells.

Sounds like to me he's fed up with your behaviour and wants to end it but is saying it like that to try not to hurt you.

Storming out is a pretty big deal and if my partner did that I would be very worried, worried they were going to end it, worried what I'd done to deserve that reaction etc. I would never storm out, even after an argument and sounds like you didn't even argue. Were you just sitting there next to him on the sofa while he watched the film and then stormed out?