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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Feeling so numb, husband has been having an affair.

17 replies

elmo4 · 23/08/2016 13:50

I am feeling completely numb, and don't know what to do. I feel like I can't tell anyone, I'm so ashamed. Just found my husband has been having an affair.
It's not the first time, he was infaithful years ago, several times with random one night . It seemed like it was because he was having a bit of an identity / life crisis ..... He changed his job, started meditating, got into cycling, started meeting up with a group of lovely guys as a sort of support group, they didn't know all the details.
had marriage counselling, we went travelling, we had our marrige vows renewed. He wrote me poetry. THat was 6 y ago. Then we had ferility treatment, and 2 amazing kids..... aged 1 and nearly 3. Things have been great, I thought. I feel like I've tried hard to accomodate his needs to esnure it wouldn't happen again... he has 'alone time' time to do stuff with the guys, time to go cycling. I've arranged date nights, ..... but it's been tough, I've had post-natal depression and been quite ill at times. The last few months I've felt like we've been a bit distant. cont....

OP posts:

Trifleorbust · 23/08/2016 13:53

You have nothing to be ashamed of that I can see from this. He's a dirty, lying, cheating snot weasel, but that's him, not you.

Original poster

elmo4 · 23/08/2016 13:55

...cont. we've had a few rows as I felt he wasn't making an effort with us as a couple. I arranged a romantic weekend away, without the kids. a big deal as we've not left them before, it was weird, he just read his book and went to sleep. Barely spoke. He is an intovert and finds the kids hard and it;s not unusual for him to be withdrawn, I put it down to us just both being exhuasted... Work has been tough on both of us, too many hours, no sleep. He made the decision to quit his job and be a full time dad, handed his notce in 6 weeks ago, although not actually stopped yet. It felt like there was hope things would be better when we both had more time and were less tired.Then I found a picture on his phone of last cycling trip and there were two bikes. Turns out he's been having an affair fot at least 6 months, he can't remember how long he says. some girl off the internet. He says he's sorry and wants to make it work... but I only found out by mistake...

OP posts:

headinhands · 23/08/2016 13:59

I've tried hard to accomodate his needs to esnure it wouldn't happen again

That breaks my heart to think of you thinking it was your job to make him not cheat :(. Sweetheart you sound so lovely and I am so sorry for this. It's not my lovely. Hold tight to your RL friends, family and post here as much as you need. 5 mins at a time for the foreseeable future.

headinhands · 23/08/2016 14:00

*its not about you

Darcychu · 23/08/2016 14:00

He obviously had no respect,

i always say if someone has an affair, not just a shitty one night stand but a full blown affair then they arnt in love with there partner anymore. and by his attitude i think its correct in this situation, if he truly wanted it to "work" then he wouldnt be having an affair and would have discussed this with you instead.

i think you have 2 options , either leave him and get on with making yourself happy or Stay with him and always know he is using you and obviously doesnt care too much if he hurts you.

I really hope it goes okay but im sorry you are in this situation. if i had a man who cheated on me ( it has happened before) then i say goodbye for good, no man will ever be allowed to treat me like that

SomeKindOfGenius · 23/08/2016 14:00

You certainly shouldn't feel ashamed, you have done nothing wrong.
He is the one who should be feeling shame.
Do you have anyone in real life to share this with so you have some support?
How have you left things with him at the moment?
Be strong.

Iamdobby63 · 23/08/2016 14:02

I'm sorry you are going through this.

So he wants to make it work but how do you feel about him now? Could you ever trust him again?

paddlenorapaddle · 23/08/2016 14:15

This sounds awful but a word of warning please go and seek legal advice before he quits his job otherwise you may find yourself funding his new life because he can claim to be the resident parent and you may be at risk of losing your home from under you

I would bet he's had this planned for a long time you need to act quickly

pombearcat · 23/08/2016 14:29

My first thought was he's left work to be 'resident parent' too ..agree with paddle ^

ImperialBlether · 23/08/2016 14:34

So he finds being a father hard, yet has given up his full time job to be a SAHP? You need to nip that in the bud now, OP.

It's such a body blow when you find this out - I'm so sorry. And you've been on tenterhooks trying to make this work and he's been cheating all this time. It's really pitiful.

You need to get rid now, before he stops work. Time to get angry - furious even. He's betrayed you, taken advantage of you, and let you try and try to make it work.

BertNErnie · 23/08/2016 14:37

You need legal advice now. As above. Huge hugs xxx

adora1 · 23/08/2016 14:38

He doesn't want to make it work, he's reacting to being found out. You can make as many excuses as you like for him but we all have stresses and trauma in our lives and don't go seeking affairs, six months is a long time, so he's a proficient liar too, there's nothing to save OP, he's been doing this for years I'd guess, he has zero respect or commitment to you. Get angry and get rid, you can do a million times better than this sneaky lying cheat.

hellsbellsmelons · 23/08/2016 14:42

He doesn't want to make it work or he wouldn't have done it - AGAIN!!
You forgave him before for multiple offences and he knows you'll forgive him again.

OK - I agree with previous posters that he's had this planned for a while.
Quitting work to become resident parent just shows you what he's planning.
Don't let him.
Kick him out right now.
Tell everyone you know. His family, your family, his friends, your friends.

You have unfortunately been doing the 'pick me' dance for the whole of your relationship.
He's led the life of Riley with wifey at home doing all she can to please him and out and about doing what he wants and when he wants.

Get legal advice and do it fast.
This man is not on your side. He is not your friend.
You now need to treat him like the enemy.
Get a step ahead as soon as you can.

This is HIS shame. You've done nothing wrong. Nothing at all.
Tell people - tell everyone and do it quick!

Helloooooooo · 23/08/2016 14:43

Yes alarm bells going off re his giving up work.
Very convenient.

adora1 · 23/08/2016 14:43

Stop being a martyr for a human being who is an entitled creep who has been keeping you on your toes for years, making you think it's you who has to please him, a relationship is about two people making each other happy, by being so accommodating you have effectively allowed him to carry on being a selfish git who thinks nothing of being disloyal, no coming back from this one.

Sorry to sound harsh but he won't suddenly become a decent partner, this is just a symptom of his endless selfishness.

Wallywobbles · 23/08/2016 14:47

If he can prove he is the SAHP he could end up with the kids 70% of the time with you paying maintenance. Sounds like he is exceptionally good at fucking you over.

If someone cheats once it's pretty safe to assume they'll keep doing it. They've no reason not to.

Get to a lawyer or 6, don't assume the first one is the one. My lawyer was my 4th. And she is great.

WombOfOnesOwn · 23/08/2016 15:55

Wow. Don't let him quit his job. He wants to use his SAHP status to stay home and talk to women behind your back, spending your money on dating sites and trysts while your kids run around neglected.

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