I have spent the last few days reading and reading so many of the posts here, I can't stop reading because it's the only place I have in the world where I feel like I'm not alone. OK, going to try to be as concise and clear as possible but how do you put 17 years into one post.
H and I met 17 years ago when we were in our mid 20's. He was my first serious relationship and it was a whirlwind. He was so intense and showered me with attention and affection and adoration. Within a few weeks he started talking about marriage and he kept asking until I said yes about 3 months in. We were married a year later. I was a virgin when I met him - I grew up in a born again christian home and took it all very seriously back then, so I don't really have anyone to compare with relationship wise. He knew I was committed to not having sex until I was married and said he respected that about me, but the actual pressure to have sex started on the second date. I would tell him no all the time, that I didn't want to, but he would keep pushing it and I was such a people pleaser and so naive that I would give in and do more than I wanted and then tell him again that I wasn't happy about it and the cycle would begin again. Even to the point that he practically moved into my house - my roommates weren't impressed and he persuaded me to move in together. Anyway, I never felt like things went at my pace, everything happened before I really wanted it to, including the wedding, because I wasn't strong enough to stand up and risk hurting his feelings. I thought I liked him enough so even though there was a voice in my head screaming at me not to do it, it was like I was on an express train that I couldn't get off.
There were some red flags. The first one was when he shouted at me to "Shut the Fuck UP!" when I was telling a funny story to some of his mates that he was not happy about me telling. Humiliating and I felt like I'd been slapped. Nobody in my whole life had ever spoken to me like that before. His temper would flare up against other people in his life, especially his mum and sister who he hates. He would get so angry with his younger brother if he had the nerve not to do what he advised him to do with his life.
Throughout the marriage he has shown himself to be controlling (and not just of me) but the things he does are not to the level of so many others that I've read here. Sometimes I wish he would just do something out and out obviously abusive so I could properly say, there, I can leave. He is Mr Charming and Mr Right, he will bend over backwards to help other people, often to the detriment of me and our two kids. He is the guy who everyone knows, he loves that when he walks down the street he can wave and chat to everybody. He boasts and brags about who he knows and the amazing ideas that he has about saving the environment and what he does for the community. He argues non stop on the internet and in RL about politics and he just bulldozes over people until they back down.
At home, I have become an expert at keeping him happy. As long as he is left to his own devices, allowed to sit and drink a glass of wine while watching tv in quiet. The kids are kept away and are not bothering him. That I don't ask him to help or he's not expected to help with housework or (heaven forbid!) cook. Then he's fine and happy and we have peace. But there's always the threat of a blow up, if things don't go to plan, if he's tired or hungry or the kids get noisy or start fighting, if I ask him to put them to bed or if I need to go out and have him mind them, well then it all comes apart. He has this menacing aggression to him, he's not tall, but he's a big guy and has this horrible thunderous look that he gives me and the kids if we push the buttons. We are all scared of him when he gets like that. In his tempers over the years he has thrown things, broken things, punched walls, broken doors. Not to mention the road rage incidences. He has never hit or been physical with me - I guess he doesn't need to be. But I sometimes wonder if I wasn't so good at appeasing him, if I was more of an assertive personality, would that be true.
Then there's the shouting. He calls it his Big Voice and threatens the kids with it if they aren't immediately obedient. It's very "You made me do it". He has a deep loud roar that just explodes out of him and it's terrifying. He used to roar at me, but I'm good at backing off quickly now but the kids get it pretty much every day when he's around. DD is 11 and he even roared at her in the car once when she was a baby and was crying. Now she gets it for anything and everything and he never lets her explain or talk, just keeps shouting at her to stop talking, Shut UP! Go to your room! DS is 5 and has some social issues that we are looking into and H had left him alone pretty much but now that he's getting older he's getting it too. I hear the roar and I come running to try to calm things down. Often the children are sobbing and I found my DS hiding and sobbing in a corner a couple of weeks ago because H had roared at him to turn off the computer because it was too loud and he was watching TV. When I went into H to try to ask what was going on, he just told me to "Get OUt! Just Fuck Off!" DD will tell me what happened and say it's not right and I agree with her but if I say that out loud H rages that I'm undermining him.
There's so much more, but I don't want to write more of a novel than I already have. The thing is it sounds really bad on paper but there is no financial abuse, he doesn't accuse me of cheating or act jealous, he would never cheat on me, I have my own career which he supports, he doesn't call me names, he's often very sweet and I know he loves me and the children. I feel crazy trying to explain it and make sense of it. I go from being sure that this is abuse to being terrified that I'm over reacting and that I could ruin his life and the family. I do know I feel no romantic love for him and haven't for many years, when he touches me it's all I can do to not cringe away. We don't have sex anymore and I have never enjoyed it so that is a relief. He sleeps on the couch now because he says he feels so sad that I don't want to have sex. He believes (and I have told him) that it's a psychological problem of mine, probably from my religious past because it seems too cruel for me to say that I can't bear him to touch me.
OK, enough for now. I have started a journal to try to get it all out. I just don't really know what to do. How do I figure out if there is really something abusive happening or if I am just in a normal relationships with issues? Thank you for reading this far if you did!