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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

can/do you stand up to your mother?

25 replies

wannaBeWhateverIWannaBe · 30/01/2007 22:18

there are so many posts about MILs and the dh's who refuse to stand up to them, and generally it's considered a man thing, yet there are also countless posts on here from women who have terrible relationships with their own mothers.

Are we as women any different from the men who allow their mothers to rule their lives?

If you have a bad relationship with your mother, do you find it hard to stand up to her? and are we really being a little unfair on the men sometimes?

OP posts:

themoon66 · 30/01/2007 22:28

If I argue with her or try to put a different point of view to hers and I'm a bit assertive, she just starts crying and goes all shaky and over-breathing.... and tells me I'm bad for her heart and I'll be the death of her. Great.

MrsSpoon · 30/01/2007 22:30

I can and I do stand up to my mother but always end up feeling rubbish about it, apologising and standing back down again.

Tommy · 30/01/2007 22:32

I stand up to mine but she gets all emotional blackmail on me or changes the subject or storms out in a huff and doesn't speak to me for a while.

This is different from the way DH is with his mum and doesn't even challenge her when she does things we disagree on.

He doesn't want to get into a row.....

themoon66 · 30/01/2007 22:34

Now why did that post twice???

pollyanna · 30/01/2007 22:35

I don't stand up to mine - it's not worth the emotional blackmail/martyrdom that ensues.

mummymic · 31/01/2007 08:32

i was a terrible teen to my mum ( although not sure really any worse than anyone else from my perspective) and was sent to live with my dad when i was 16 - for years every time mum and i argued she would throw it in my face (what i had done)
finally i snapped and told her in no uncertain terms that i am who i am and if she was going to make me pay for the rest of mt life for something i had done at 14-16 (15 years previous!) when i was a child/teen/young adult then our relationship was to end now
the following day she was on my doorstep (vv early) apologising - i was very nonchalant and said yeah whatever...she has never mentioned it since (5years) and we get on great now
we have both learned to deal with each other as equal adults

happystory · 31/01/2007 08:37

I agree with themoon. If ever I try to, she fills up and gets all upset, followed by indignant, followed by telling the family how much I've 'changed'. Sigh

NotQuiteCockney · 31/01/2007 08:39

I never exactly stood up to my mum, but I made clear how I felt about things, and didn't let her walk all over me. It's entirely possible to calmly handle a difficult relationship, without having a confrontation. You just say what you want, and walk away if things are getting emotional (without giving in).

MamaGstring · 31/01/2007 08:39

I always stand up to my mother and my MIL. I'm tough

NotQuiteCockney · 31/01/2007 08:39

"I have to go now. We'll talk about this when you can be calm."

MamaGstring · 31/01/2007 08:40

AND i never feel bad about it. If its important enough to me to stand up to them, i won't back down.

{GRR emoticon}

Lullabyloo · 31/01/2007 09:15

I stood up to my mother for probably the first time in 34 years over a huge issue that i felt very strongly about.
I refused to be blackmailed and pushed into the 'guilt'zone as i have been all my life.
For once I managed to rise above the crying & shaking & suicide threats...refused to 'swear ' on my baby's life(a request much used by her that leaves me wretching).

It was a huge issue & my heart went out to her because she was suffering terribly...but she is an emotional bully & I only realised just how damaging her effect was on me when I gave birth to my own child.
I began questioning her 'mothering' of me & gradually stopped feeling guilty about my failings as a daughter & feelings of anger at her failings as a mother emerged.
She was very shocked that I held my ground & was so 'hard & unfeeling'.
She told me she wanted nothing more to do with me until I changed my mind about the issue & that I was forcing her to lose her daughter & only grandchild.
I hadn't heard from her for a year-i sent a mother's day card,birthday card etc but received nothing from her.
We went to see her at Christmas for a short time and it was civilised but very awkward.
She is my mother and i will always love her & care about her because of that.
But I have found strength as a mother & my son & his happiness are my priority now.

mylittlestar · 31/01/2007 09:16

I always stand up to my mum. Find it too hard to keep my mouth shut!
We have a fight. Both go away and cool off for a day or so. Then meet up, act like normal, and never mention it again!
Works for us!

Tommy · 31/01/2007 09:41

NQC - are you my sister?! That's exactly the sort of thing my Mum says to me

NotQuiteCockney · 31/01/2007 19:50

Tommy, I doubt it. And that's the sort of thing I say to people who are getting upset, anyway - not something people say to me, generally.

Pages · 31/01/2007 20:58

If I ever had a different viewpoint from hers she would go cold and indifferent towards me and then slag me off to all my siblings. More recently I have stood up to her over something fundamental and she has cut me out of her life.

BernieBear · 31/01/2007 21:08

Erm...."now you are being over sensitive" - the one time I tried to calmly put my side across.......I hate being a daughter and am so glad I have a ds! But that is my issue and hers, not my ds' who is fantastic!

sunnyjim · 02/02/2007 10:50

oh god yes the emotional blakcmail. If I try and stand up to my mother she immediatly retreats inot being a sulky/emotional 12 yr old and I have to 'help' her feel better.

The classic example was when i was going through a really bad patch at school, I was torn ebtween two sets of friends. My parents didn't approve of one set of friends and really at 15 who wants to talk to their mom about the fact that one of their girlfriends is beign bitchy?

So I rang up the samaritans and cried at them, they were great and got me to get the bus in to see their 'youth and teenage' support worker. I had a wonderful chat to someone and felt laods better.

When I got home my mom had found the apt slip I'd written down and sat crying for 3 hrs because i hadn't talked to her about it!

Tortington · 02/02/2007 11:00

i think the answer lies in the fact that no matter how horrible a womans mother ( usually) the woman never gets confused as to where her priorities lie, she knows her children and husband/parnet come first
the difference is that many men fail to recognise this fact and find themselves in the middle of two major female figures in their lives.

Even if women find their mothers oppressive. i think in the majority of cases they acknowledge their immediate family as their prioity

Mumpbump · 02/02/2007 11:09

I constantly argue with my mum and often have periods of not speaking, following which there will usually be something which throws us together and we act as though nothing happened. But she is used to me being very independent and doing what I want, rather than what she wants - has been a power struggle for virtually all of my life! - so that is the norm and standing up to her is not a problem. In fact, dh tries to get me to go easier on her because, as he points out, she might not be around very much longer. So I am no doubt one of those difficult daughters, but think I will reap my just deserts with ds who looks to be equally independently minded and stubborn...

HappyDaddy · 02/02/2007 12:55

From the man's point, I too was very guilty of letting my mum get away with murder. Until it was pointed out to me, by dw, that if I didn't I would lose both dw and dd2. I hated doing it but did what I had to do. 18 months later and dw and my mum get on fine, to the point that mum came for xmas and boxing day and we all had a wonderful time.

foundintranslation · 02/02/2007 12:57

My standing up to my mother (refusing to leave dh) led to me being cut out of my parents' life. All the moves to reconcile have come from me.

Pinkchampagne · 02/02/2007 21:51

Sometimes I do, but I let a lot go.
If I feel she is totally in the wrong when we have an argument, I will not back down & apologise if I believe I was not in the wrong though.

Elasticwoman · 03/02/2007 21:09

I get on really well with my mum now, but when I was in my 20s and she was in her 60s (before I had children) we used to fight like cat and dog. Dh used to say "try not to fall out with your mother on this trip" every time we went to see her. She drove me crazy.

Which one of us grew out of it?? Perhaps we both did. She has never used the guilt trip thing though, ever. I cannot imagine her threatening suicide. The worst thing she did was fail to tell me that my Dad had gone into Intensive Care, until a week later when he was already home again, and then refused to promise to tell me at once if it happened again. I was very upset about that. But you know, when it did happen again she did tell me straight away.

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